H texted me last night and we spoke for a couple of hours. It was a good conversation. We talked about his A. I told him that he was so much better and stronger than that. We discussed how it was like an addiction..he agreed completely. We spoke about her leaving and that he is very happy about this..he was disappointed that I wasn't happier. I told him that I felt like she was again holding out the olive branch with a fat carrot dangling from it. I have mixed feelings. He is so rational at times..so normal. I wish him being normal was the norm. I guess this is a good start though. That gut feeling of him still seeing OW is gone.
You are NOT crazy...what is happening is that you are coming out from under the spell of living with a person who either has a PD or PD tendencies. Once free from the daily effects; you start to see a little clearer and notice how crazy you USED to be.
Just keep this in mind from MC. In understand you can have a good convo every once in a while.
Tell me if this sounds familiar:
H/W acts a way you think WTF? (like A and then A again) You ask yourself WTF was that? You start to think maybe something's facked up here. Maybe I should really pay attention to my feelings. H/W starts to act normal again. Oh maybe it's me whose crazy. No I don't think so. Oh well He/she is fine now maybe it was just one of those things that will go away.
I have been on this merry-go-round.
Our coping mechanism is to overlook the truth.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It is so confusing...it has been so long since his A started..I don't know how much of his craziness to attribute to his A- enough lying, cheating, guilt could crack anyone?? There were always times of depression and strange moods..but I was OK with dealing with those because they were a very small part of our lives. In the past year or so..it was not at all healthy.
My H told me last night that he thought I was strong. It would have been easier to leave him..and I chose to stick it out. I am going to take all of this very slow. My H does see the OW leaving his office as a fresh start. I guess I do too..although I haven't put as much weight on it. H is really concerned about facing friends and family after all of this. I told him that he will have to get out of his comfort zone and deal with the initial uncomfortableness of the situation. I also told him that if wants to be forgiven and acts that way..he will be forgiven.
It sounds so easy in theory and words. I guess I need to go into this optimistic...but perhaps I am not realistic. This is NOT an easy thing to overcome. I think initially it will be OK because it will be somewhat new again..so some excitement..and nerves. But eventually we will go back to day to day normal married life..than what? Marriage isn't easy..Will the craziness and messiness of the current situation my H created cause him to appreciate the stable and sometimes boring day to day life of a M man?
I know I am getting ahead of myself here..but I also would need to change the dynamics of our R. I did everything in our M..and didn't really mind it most of the time..but I think this allowed my H to feel less invested. He always was involved in the decisions etc..but he never had to do anything for me. I took care of myself. I have been reading on the other post about what men look for in a woman..I think once they have what they want..they get bored.
I used to make my H coffee and breakfast everyday..send him off with lunch..pick up dry cleaning..make sure his laundry was done. He would joke that he would only wear the same 2 pairs of underwear (I was very efficient with the laundry). I took care of all the finances, the dogs, planning activities with family and friends..and I have a career where I have been pretty much on the same pay scale with my H. I am a pretty girl who takes very good care of myself. I am in shape and do lots of activities. I have a lot of friends. I made sure my H was eating well.(I am obsessed with antioxidants)I would rarely turn down sex..I actually always had a higher sex drive than my H for the majority of our R. I think I was strong and confident..and like someone mentioned on the other post- some men tend to break you down brick by brick.
I think I was boring because I was predictable..everything ran like a well oiled machine. So I guess another lesson here that I got from my book...Men don't necessarily want perfect...they want interesting. I kind of lost myself..my spunk because I was so busy keeping everything together.
There is so much up there I don't know where to start. First I want you to go back to the beginning of your thread and read EVERYTHING.
Then go here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340#Post1966340. This is in MLC and its about what we are doing here and why someone would decide to stand up for their marriage. The biggest thing IMO is that you don't want to avoid or be a victim of the circumstance for which your marriage fails. You seek the truth IN YOURSELF.
That means looking in the mirror and owning up to some things about you and your choices that have contributed to where you are today.
IMO what you wrote above are not your truths they are H's If he got bored with an on the ball, successful, beautiful, strong, secure woman that's HIS F'ing problem not yours.
Quote:...it has been so long since his A started..I don't know how much of his craziness to attribute to his A- enough lying, cheating, guilt could crack anyone?? There were always times of depression and strange moods..but I was OK with dealing with those because they were a very small part of our lives. In the past year or so..it was not at all healthy.
You are rewriting history here and making excuses for him.
quote: I have been reading on the other post about what men look for in a woman..I think once they have what they want..they get bored.
This is not true Lola. Men who are behaving and living dysfunctionally behave this way. Do you want a man who blames you for his boredom? Do think a man who takes responsibility for his own f*ckups behaves this way or thinks this way? A healthy man does not do this and a healthly woman won't put up with this. She cares too much about herself.
Quote:I think I was boring because I was predictable..everything ran like a well oiled machine. So I guess another lesson here that I got from my book...Men don't necessarily want perfect...they want interesting. I kind of lost myself..my spunk because I was so busy keeping everything together.
As MC and I have been saying you do LOSE yourself in this kind of relationship. You were acting more like his mother than his wife. I am only saying I know I have a 38 year old child living in my former residence that I don't even have visitation rights for right now.
Your old M is over and the only way a new one can be made (with H or someone else) is for you to get healthy. Go through this process.
Think how all this stuff got stirred up again. What happened? H called you and now you're on the ride again.
YOU should be your focus. Not H. Not talking to H about relationship. Not whether H has clean underwear. Worry about YOU. You don't have time or space in your head for anything else but YOU. When you begin to do this the fog will begin to lift and you will see things more clearly.
You probably won't read this until tomorrow. I hope you had fun in the city tonight.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit..I needed this. I do get sucked right back in..and I do blame myself for a lot of this. Not sure if it is blaming myself or just taking responsibility. I should have put him in his place..I tried at times..and other times it was just so much easier to just let him have his way to avoid a fight. I don't think it was because I was weak..I was always more easy going than him. I chose happiness and peace over conflict in many situations. That is not to say that his dinner didn't go in the garbage can on occasion when he complained his dinner wasn't ready for him on time....or that the dry cleaning didnt sit at the dry cleaners for weeks because he complained his suits weren't in his closet..I guess I chose my battles carefully. More so for my own sanity rather than to please him.
There are certain times when I feel like my H is completely rational and he is able to point things out to me that I don't see. His good side is sooo good..his bad side is soooo bad. Because he is so uneven...his good side is all that much better.
In many ways I was his mother. Besides your wife's PTSD...what was day to day life like? My H did blame me for his boredom. It was much easier for him to blame me than to take control and responsibility for his life. This is my H new mantra "you need to take control of your life"..he said this a number of times last night. He definitely feels that he lost control and is now back on track. I need to just wait and watch to see.
Well the city was great tonight..great food and it was nice to see my high school friends. I haven't been all that open to everyone about what is going on between me and H..it is kind of strange that strangers on this site know more about my life than my family and closest friends..I guess I am a private person in 'real' life. Understandably, everyone asked what was going on. I told them we are going to try to work things out...the response was "I loved you guys as a couple".."you guys were so great together".."I really hope that you can make it through this". He isn't the guy that would invoke the reaction "I knew he was a creep all along..we were just waiting for something like this to happen".
This life of 'celibacy' is rough..if it was a couple of years ago- it would have been a non issue. I guess now that I am honing in on my mid 30's...my needs have changed. It is an issue for me. I see a nice looking man..the bib comes down from the ceiling..drool forms on my bottom lip..I go into a trance..I have a knife and fork in hand..and I become a homeless person that hasn't eaten in days..staring at a juicy chicken leg. It is ridiculous. Just ridiculous.
I am with you on that one! That's why for now I have kept myself out of harms way. Last weekend when I went out with friends my buddy comes and says "Hey Barb really likes you. I don't know what your situation is ..." Barb is tall attractive blond. Ahhhh! When I separated from my first wife I was all over the place meeting lots of people (ok "meeting" is a euphamism for sex).
This is about healing you. If you run back right now or too soon you'll be back here. This is about taking control of your life. It is an opportunity to grow and stand up for what you believe in and to stand up for yourself. I look at the celibacy thing and think not only am I married and that is principal that I hold with deep respect not only for my spouse but for me. Also I know that I am in a fragile place right now and ANY sexual or romantic situation will distract me from my goals.
In the end I know I can hold my head high. I can say I acted with respect for ME. If I leave I leave on my terms. Not because someone punched me in the guts and I ran away.Then I will be a better person to move on or create my marriage anew with the woman I married.
You have heard me say I wish i had this process in 1st M. I wouldn't have spent so much time beating myself up over its demise. I lost my way.
Life isn't simple is it?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
