How do I act?

[Surviving03]

Last night I went out with some friends, left H at home (originally we had planned on him going too) and while I was out, we had made our way out to the bars. I tried so hard to just have an attitude like forget my H and just have a good time and whatever... and I had a couple of guys come and try to talk to me and whatever and I tried SOOO hard to enjoy it and block my sitch out of my mind... didnt happen. I ended up going home early and when I walked in the door I went straight to my room and cried. Well H heard me, and came to the room to see what was wrong, I told him that I just dont enjoy that scene, I dont like that soon I will be on it as a single person and that I dont know how to be someone other than his wife. I know this is opposite of DB but it seems like its only when i act like that, that i get attention and concern from him. As soon as I act like I am detached and I am ok.. i get this cold person who seems to care less about me. He has even told me before that when i cry it makes him want to say to me that he will stay with me, but he stops himself cause he knows its just cause he feels bad.

I also discovered that my mother had called the house while I had been out, and my H surprisingly answered, and they talked for an hour and a half about our sitch. He told my mom all the same reasons about why he wants a D as he has told me and said in counseling. My mom said that its hard to be mad at him when you talk to him, she is mad that he isnt giving it a chance but its almost heartbreaking to listen to him explain.... she said that based on what he said, there is an absolute possibility of fixing all those things, there is nothing unfixable... but since he has his mind so made up and wont budge, nothing gets thru to him. Its so sad... all we needed was a chance....

She asked me if I ever considered that even if I had done everything right in this marriage, even if we didnt fight and all the stuff he said that was wrong wasnt wrong, if i had considered that he would have divorced me anyways? That its just not in his nature really to commit and be completely fulfilled? her example was like men who cheat (or women) like on Sandra Bullock, or Halle Berry, or of course Tiger Woods... it doesnt matter who great their wife is or how wonderful their marriage is, they were going to cheat at some point.... I never thought about it like that... of course i had never considered that cause i thought we were happy and our vows were meant by both of us... but maybe thats true, maybe if i had done EVERYTHING right, this would have happened at some point? Relationships are scary... you just never know if a person is really being true or will always be true...

I want to go into DB mode like turbo time this weekend, since i feel like once Monday rolls around and this paperwork is started, everything is going to kick into high gear... but i do feel i lost my chance... I gotta get to praying and get focused.... i am going to try to not talk about M at all unless he does, which he wont, but at this point... (especially after he looked me in my face yesterday and told me "its over") it seems as though none of my efforts will mean anything.... i guess all i can hang on to is that it isnt over til its over... there are no papers and there prob wont be for a while... idk guys... i just dont know