You know, if you wanted pain, shooting yourself in the foot would probably be faster and easier than checking his internet searches. Are you currently questioning your M? So is he. I'm not trying to defend him here, but he is struggling to make a decision that is difficult for him and you are trying to force him to make it right that second. Do you make all of your decisions in ten minutes or less? Congrats if you do, because I'm always the one in the grocery store comparing each and every product I pick up to the store brand. About three hours later, I have a cart full of groceries and I'm still unsure I've made the right decision.
The point is, you're going to have to stay strong and give him a little space to ride out this indecision. Either way, you're dependent on him to either commit himself 100% to this marriage or assist in making arrangements to send you home.
However, I can not cheer any louder for you in staying strong concerning the doctor issues and the way you handled them. You are amazing. You have definitely turned the tables on him and proven that you do not need him to live a happy and successful life.
My last concern, and I'm not even sure how to phrase it according to DB standards, but I would probably make a point to H that if he's considering keeping the OW in his life, he's not committing to the M anywhere near 100%. Maybe 90, maybe 80, but definitely not 100.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
so..... A decision has been made for me to leave. We start the paperwork process on Monday. It feels........horrible. What happened was we got a phone call from the counselor that we saw and they said that if we are ready to start the ERD (which is the paperwork for me to leave) then we can go ahead and get that started. So i got off the phone and said to my H, its time to make some decisions. He told me that right now he feels like nothing is working and us staying in this environment and continuing on like we are is not going to help him change his mind. He said he feels like the only thing that might help is for me to leave and him to miss me and realize, but right now, as the situation is, its not doing anything for him to feel different. He mentioned that this could be just a separation for us. I told him that has crossed my mind as well, but on the same note, there is this other girl and there is this trip coming up where he plans to visit her and i would feel like this is more of a separation so he can see where that relationship would go and if it fizzles out THEN he can come back to me, and that is not something i am comfortable with. And that when I leave, I am not going home under the pretenses that maybe one day he will change his mind, I will be going home to start a new life that may not have a place for him anymore. And he said "well I know its that way for YOU" to imply that its not that way for him. And then I said, well if we are going to do something we gotta decide and do it...so he picked up the phone and called the counselor again and said lets get started on the ERD.
Its kinda bittersweet. I know that I wont be sitting in this limbo and awkwardness for much longer... but at the same time, i know I am leaving my H soon. I cant imagine the day i actually get on the plane. Plus, we are still living in the same house so its hard not to feel like i want to kiss him or be near him one minute, and then as far away as possible the next minute...etc... I asked him about moving out now and he doesnt want to do that, he says living together doesnt bother him. We are still planning on taking the cruise, just so that I can go on it. Which will be weird, i wish i could go with anyone but him... but I cant. I dont know... im at a loss right now...
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
I'm truly sorry it's come to this for you. maybe once you return home it will be easier for you to move forward. If it's meant to be it will be. Going home may just be what you need to detach. i wish I had advice for you, but as you know I'm in a funk myself.
Question for you meg. How much more difficult or easier was it for you to face the situation once your H got home? I know it's different for each person, but I'm just trying to figure out if it's going to be harder once I return.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Yeah, well i wont have a choice.... so I am trying to mentally prepare myself for it now. Today I went to work and didnt come home for lunch, didnt call him today...nothing...i got plans tonight for dinner with friends and I will prob just go without saying anything to him....
funny thing happened today though: im sitting here at work and i get an email from H saying: im pretty sure your boyfriend called the house a little bit ago.... make sure you let him know daddys at home so he cant call...
I dont know who called, but i emailed him back and said who? he said how many do you have?... then he called me at work and asked me about it, i said H i dont know who called but why do u care? he said I dont! ok..... lol...
Last edited by meghunny; 03/26/1012:08 PM.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Meg, take the steps you need to take care of yourself. It sounds like his phone call to you at work was to pull you into an argument and see how you would react. My wife does this to me more than I like and I stupidly put my hand under the hammer. Don't give into his game. Just do you and let him do him. Be your own person. Try to take the high road and always be the better person. It shouldn't be hard because you know you are. Just remember that. You know you are the better person. I'm praying for you.
Aces
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Last night I went out with some friends, left H at home (originally we had planned on him going too) and while I was out, we had made our way out to the bars. I tried so hard to just have an attitude like forget my H and just have a good time and whatever... and I had a couple of guys come and try to talk to me and whatever and I tried SOOO hard to enjoy it and block my sitch out of my mind... didnt happen. I ended up going home early and when I walked in the door I went straight to my room and cried. Well H heard me, and came to the room to see what was wrong, I told him that I just dont enjoy that scene, I dont like that soon I will be on it as a single person and that I dont know how to be someone other than his wife. I know this is opposite of DB but it seems like its only when i act like that, that i get attention and concern from him. As soon as I act like I am detached and I am ok.. i get this cold person who seems to care less about me. He has even told me before that when i cry it makes him want to say to me that he will stay with me, but he stops himself cause he knows its just cause he feels bad.
I also discovered that my mother had called the house while I had been out, and my H surprisingly answered, and they talked for an hour and a half about our sitch. He told my mom all the same reasons about why he wants a D as he has told me and said in counseling. My mom said that its hard to be mad at him when you talk to him, she is mad that he isnt giving it a chance but its almost heartbreaking to listen to him explain.... she said that based on what he said, there is an absolute possibility of fixing all those things, there is nothing unfixable... but since he has his mind so made up and wont budge, nothing gets thru to him. Its so sad... all we needed was a chance....
She asked me if I ever considered that even if I had done everything right in this marriage, even if we didnt fight and all the stuff he said that was wrong wasnt wrong, if i had considered that he would have divorced me anyways? That its just not in his nature really to commit and be completely fulfilled? her example was like men who cheat (or women) like on Sandra Bullock, or Halle Berry, or of course Tiger Woods... it doesnt matter who great their wife is or how wonderful their marriage is, they were going to cheat at some point.... I never thought about it like that... of course i had never considered that cause i thought we were happy and our vows were meant by both of us... but maybe thats true, maybe if i had done EVERYTHING right, this would have happened at some point? Relationships are scary... you just never know if a person is really being true or will always be true...
I want to go into DB mode like turbo time this weekend, since i feel like once Monday rolls around and this paperwork is started, everything is going to kick into high gear... but i do feel i lost my chance... I gotta get to praying and get focused.... i am going to try to not talk about M at all unless he does, which he wont, but at this point... (especially after he looked me in my face yesterday and told me "its over") it seems as though none of my efforts will mean anything.... i guess all i can hang on to is that it isnt over til its over... there are no papers and there prob wont be for a while... idk guys... i just dont know
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
It sucks that when divorce and being unfaithful is the question at hand people can come up with 20 to 50 different people as examples. And they all happen to be celebrities, hollywood stars... Yet they don't talk about people that over come the adversity in their marriages. These "stars" aren't people who should be followed at all for examples. If it wasn't in your husbands nature to not be faithful and commited why did he ever make his vows and promise his life to you? Its a cop-out its bs. Plain and simple it is sin.
If things had suddenly changed in him and he decided to come and commit to you. Would you be able to forgive all that has been done? Can you let go all the anger and hurt that has been caused? I think these are the questions you should be asking yourself. I'm not an expert but I know in my sitch that if my wife did a complete 180 and came back I can. Nothing she has done has made me stop loving her. I dont care if she has been unfaithful. I made my vows and I will honor them. I will tell her that we are going to work at our marriage but it will be a NEW marriage. A new relationship, because honestly I dont want my old one back. I know that my family is worth it. I know my son and daughter deserve a whole family and I am patient and faithful enough in God that things will be made right. I cannot say she will come back but I know I will be a better man because of this. Because I'm not wallowing in pain I am being proactive as a father and even as a husband, even if it is one sided. The thing that sucks is that she knows I'm here and waiting. I think she would know that even if I never told her.
Just do you meg. take care of yourself. it is all you can do.
Lead your heart Meg, don't follow it. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9
Know that what you do put everything into it and you'll become a better you.
Aces....
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Yeah aces... honestly, right now... i could forgive him and stay committed to this marriage 100% if he did a 180 on me right now and stayed... but the hard cold reality is, he isnt going to do that. And anticipating what he will be doing in the coming months, i cant promise i could forgive that and stay together. I think for us its hard, because yes i do take my vows very seriously and want more than anything else to honor them and keep them forever....but i feel like since we have only been together for 2 years and since we dont have any kids, i question all the time am i just being stupid here and should I just let it go? the military aspect of all this, the moving he will be doing soon, and then going back on deployments or whatnot, i just feel like EVERYTHING works against me and it just will never be.
I asked him today, if me leaving is more of a seperation for him or a straight path to divorce... and he said more of a seperation because anything could happen between now and august when he files the papers... i said that i think the difference is a state of mind, if we are going to "seperate" than i think thats more of a mind set of we will see how it goes and see if we want to get back together.... not the same as a straight path to divorce but always knowing that anything could happen... cause i think we would act different if we knew we were just taking time to see, rather than waiting on papers... but he said that he cant expect me to just sit around and wait... and not date if it comes up... i guess i am just confused what he is thinking... i know that if he could have it his way, i would sit around and not date and just wait for him to fully decide, but he also acknowledges that he cant just expect me to sit back and put my life on hold... i dont know... i just know that i love him and i loved our life.... and this is the most difficult thing in the world
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
