How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Things just a little more difficult. My W called me a short while ago that her mother called her. Her mother said they found the remains of my W cousin who was missing for a couple months.

I tried to console her but she rejected my attempt to I backed off. She seemed to get more upset with me.

I think this makes her more vulnerable and if she does not turn to me for support she will to someone else. Also it makes her more sympathetic and more people at work may be prone to give her attention...

[Allen A]

Just get her family near her... don't leave her alone to wander about ...

[OfficerInNeed]

I will do my best....

Any ideas,suggestions or advice in regards to my past 2 posts or so? Thanks.

[Allen A]

It doesn't sound like her dad is in a hurry to have her move out.

Just keep up the work you're doin.. you can't rush the process or you will just keep pushing it BACK... each act of pursuit puts you seven steps back to the ONE you got forward the day before...

Or a better way to put it

AVOIDING PURSUIT is SEVEN TIMES more IMPORTANT than a LOVING ACT

GOT that?

I am gonna write it again

AVOIDING PURSUIT is SEVEN TIMES more IMPORTANT than a LOVING ACT

You need to control yourself... control over yourself, is how you influence HER.

[OfficerInNeed]

I know her father is moving along as quick as possible. If not for her then for himself.

I admit I am discouraged after today. Many thoughts had gone through my head including just giving up. I am trying to regain focus and get back on the right DB track. I was at one point optimistic that my sitch could be busted but now a feel in a rut. I am trying to do for myself, I did hit the gym before work. It is though....we still live together it should make DB easier but I seem to have a hard time.

[jasper67]

So long as W is in the house, you stand a shot-
Everyone is right, you REALLY need to PMA and detach.

My W first said she was moving out in Sept...she moved out Jan and officially everything in March.

Don't push anything, dont speak of the future, dont bring up memories, etc.

You are freaking out inside- I can tell by your posts...you have to think of this as someone elses sitch- cut out the emotion...it's like how they wont let a doctor do surgery on their own family member...unfortunately you have to do this surgery, but you need to be SOOO detached.

I like PUPs advice a page back or so. THE M IS DEAD...I know it sucks to read that, I hated reading it for the first time...but thats the mentality you have to have.

You have time and opportunity.

When W was here last week she said-"I really just wish you took better care of yourself through this."

I did not- I was a wreck- quit going to the gym (thought it was a 180 b/c she always complained that I went too much.)

You have to be in the best mental shape of your life- this is a traumatic event, one of the top 3 worst things a person can go through.

It's harder for us LBS b/c we want it...the WAS not so much, but from my understanding, their pain comes later...

You are doing well, just watch the backslides...btw sorry to hear about FIL- it stinks knowing that W can draw support and comfort for D from her divorced parents...I know the feeling

W's supports are a molestation survivor/atheist, widowed and D'd mom, self serving OM1, and now D'd and loving OM2...WTF

Wanna swap sitches? lol

[OfficerInNeed]

Is this pursuit?

1
W said to me this morning " I am going to my family's house this saturday for an easter dinner" I say in reply after. Brief moment of silence "is that implying I am not invited" she said "no you can go, I was just saying. My father just txt me the info and hoped that I would show up"

I know she would not have invited me. She would just had assumed I did not want to go if I did not express any interest in going because in the past being the jerk I was I would not go to some of her family dinners just because... I don't want to be "that jerk" anymore

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Not sure if it's "pursuit" as much as it is kinda "whiny/pouty," which is just as bad.

You would have been best to leave it lie. If asked later why you didn't attend, you could have said -- truthfully: "I wasn't invited."

Puppy

[jasper67]

sounds good...so long as the "is that implying I am not invited" was said w/ a neutral tone...

good 180

[Allen A]

OIN, yes it is pursuit.

But, you COULD have said something like

"OK, great, I would be happy to keep you company, let me know if you want me to come along or not"

And you leave it with her to invite you.

compare that guy with :

"is that implying I am not invited?"

This second one sounds like someone trying to pick a fight.