It sounds like you're on the right track, gman. Keep it up. You know how you got into this mess, now you know how to get out. You have a new attitude and understanding of yourself.
Everything that Coach said will keep you moving in the right direction. Take it slow and be the man you want to be and that your W needs.
I don't think you're lame at all, and it's nice to know men have these feelings also. Thanks for posting so we women are reminded that they are much like us with similar needs.
I don't think you're lame at all, and it's nice to know men have these feelings also. Thanks for posting so we women are reminded that they are much like us with similar needs.
Wait – women have feelings too???? lol
well for what it is worth i think our R talks have eased the "movies" and thoughts to a managable level.
also thinking baby step here, was laying in bed last night and she initiated sexual contact (yeah me!)....
we are being very open about past behaviors (and reminding each other when we slip into them right now) that drove us apart, and are accepting that we both need to make some changes to ourselves and the way we treat/react to each other in order to move forward.
i know others will find out about her A - OM is weaved tightly amongst our friends. not sure how that is going to affect me in the future.....not sure how the inevitable face to face with OM is going to go down (if not this summer for sure by fall - our boys are same age and are on a couple atheletic teams together)
nowhere in my readings have i learned how to deal with the post A “confrontation”...OM texted me some very nasty things about how my boys will grow up thinking it is okay to mentaly abuse women...that does not sit well with me (not that screwing my W does either). I am trying to prepare for this so I maintain my cool and be the better person that I have always been.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
At least she is talking about R a little and taking blame for her actions?
It's good you guys are talking, I wish my W would open up but we're not there yet. Just my opinion, but don't let your guard down because she seems to be sorry. Maybe getting the vibe from you that you won't put up with it anymore. Be respectful and firm but be sure her actions match her words.
Sounds like you're in a good place right now. Keep up the good work!
quick question for anyone following my situatiuon - W just called me and asked if she could go have a drink with a girlfriend when i get home....i was a bit silent when she asked...immediateley she goes on defensive and says "never mind, just thought i would ASK"
one of the things she felt in the past was that i controlled her....so now she is ASKING me what she can and can't do...
what do i do? do i let her go, do i ask her to stay home....
edit - she told friend she couldn't go out....now i look like a bad guy to the friends....if they only knew why
Last edited by gman; 03/26/1008:50 PM.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
W just called me and asked if she could go have a drink with a girlfriend when i get home....i was a bit silent when she asked...immediateley she goes on defensive and says "never mind, just thought i would ASK"
Since she said "never mind" I think you should go home and not say another word to her about it.
Why? Because this has the smell of a possibility of the OM written on it.
If she is planning something deceitful, then she will more than likely find a way to get out of the house tonight. Either trying to guilt you or starting a fight, or telling you again that you are controlling...
You need to be wise here. Just because the OM got caught and seemed to end it with your wife doesn't mean squat yet. Your wife just can't shut off her feelings on and off any more than the rest of us can.
BEWARE. You were naive once and said you now know the signs of an affair... Well I must say.. By her calling you and asking if she can have drinks with her girlfriend is one of the oldest lies and oldest stories in the book on how to get out of the house when you are having an affair. Blame the friend is as old as dirt.
I would assume you are feeling guilty and that you are wanting to show her you aren't controlling, so you want to tell her she can go out with her girlfriend because of that reason.
Tough predicament for you. I would say nothing when I got home and then see if she finds another reason to leave. This would give you another clue that something IS up.
She may be hoping or expecting you to bring it up when you get home and tell her to go ahead. I don't think she is done yet on going out tonight. Remember. She KNOWS you are watching her every move and will try other tactics to outsmart you. BEWARE
Words matter. Every word matters.. True listening is to learn how to read the emotions behind the words.
If she truly said she WANTS to stay home with you, then those are the types of words you want to hear. Did you "feel" the emotion behind the words matched the words?
Sorry GMan, I usually hang out in the infidelity forum. That's the subject area I usually take the time to post about. So I don't always get back here...
Have you read anything about infidelity being an addiction? I haven't read that from you so far, so this point may help you out.
Many affairs that run the course of several weeks or months can be viewed as addictions.
This means there will be "a fog" Your wife will be aggressive with you Defensive Secretive Dishonest Verbally and even physically abusive She will be self-destructive Moody - Happy one hour and Mean the next
This is DURING the affair...
AFTER the affair ENDS there is a WITHDRAWAL phase where she has to get the OM out of her system.
This can take more than THREE MONTHS. She will be confused, lost, frustrated, angry, sad, and defensive during this time... she needs a fix and isn't getting it anymore. And no the sex is not the object of addiction, its the fantasy relationship she had. Think compulsive gambler thinking he just needs one more shot and he will "hit it big"... its all a fantasy
SHE needs TIME to process the fallout on her own... don't rush the healing process. She DOES need to learn, but don't expect her to be a model wife right away.. and don't take her withdrawal personally.. its just that a withdrawal for a destructive habit she's trying to kick.
And Yes, asking her if she still has feelings for OM is NOT HELPING that... at ALL.
She never HAD feelings for him.. it wasn't REAL... it was an unhealthy habit that hurt a lot of people... there were no feelings... just a habit.. OK?
It was not LOVE that they shared it was EXCITEMENT at FOOLING everyone for a short time... criminals get this adrenaline rush too... its NOT HEALTHY and it WILL come back to HAUNT YOU LATER
Your wife is dealing with that haunting now. Give her some time to process all of that... she's working on it.
I have a lot to say about Chapman's LL's too, but that will have to wait for another time.
I will leave you with some thougths from Dr Phil McGraw :
Cheaters:
Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?
Think of the children. If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?
If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"
Be honest with yourself. Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.
Be honest with your partner. By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.
Accept responsibility. Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.
Assess your commitment level. Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.
Behave your way to success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!
Turn toward your partner. When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.
Re-engineer your life. If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
