Question

[awest1217]

Nothing from H about seeing S in a week. I left the idea of H seeing S in his hands and absolutely nothing has been said about it. He hasn't even asked about S except for the day S was sick. H always sends at least one text or short e-mail (I now have no service until afternoon at work) once a day that says "just wanted to say hi. hope you have a good day. i love u." It varies a little each day, but that is it. He never asks about S or asks for an update. I usually send one text a day updating about S, but that is it.

It is just crazy to me that H isn't asking to see S at all. I don't know if it is just not wanting to see him alone, not wanting to deal with me wanting something in writing, or something else. I know I am different than H. I can't go a few hours without calling to check up on S. Not that I am worried about who has him, but I want to always know what he is doing and wondering what I am missing. I don't understand going weeks without seeing my son. Easter of course is next week along with the anniversary of H leaving. My sister said I should text him "happy anniversary", but I am not going to because that is rude. Luckily it is the last day before spring break so I won't have to think about it too much, not that the day really upsets me anymore.

I still have some hesitation about filing, mostly fear of the unknown, but I always think I have done everything I could possibly do to save this marriage. I have let him live his life and not disrupted it. I have followed his lead, and broke down when he would lead me on just to ignore me for weeks again. I have changed so much in a year. Really changed everything that H complained about, but he doesn't want to see it because I won't let him come home and still be with OW. Right now I have no clue if he really is living with his parents or living with OW or finding someplace else, and honestly it doesn't matter to me. I am curious because we are still married, but beyond curiosity, it doesn't matter.

Lastly, Easter? I have no clue what is going to happen. Right now I am going to plan on S not seeing H, but I don't know about my in-laws. I am not too fond of them right now to have his mom tell me in January it isn't fair H is still going back and forth, but then let him move in for as long as he needs, according to his dad, on top of his mom saying to me "should I put H on our census report". What? His legal residence is with me so it would be on my report. I think they all hate me and I am sure H is telling them all half-truths, but oh well. H's parents are just such bad parents. They were super authoritarian when he was in high school. His curfew on the weekends was 11 pm as a senior, but as soon as college came, he can do whatever he wants and his parents won't say anything, and the same with his brothers. With S, they are also very permissive which bothers me. H's brother disciplines S more than my in-laws, but I think his brother although still living at home when he has a good job, is the only sane brother of the group.

Sorry for the kind of rambling and being all over the place. I have really been doing some soul searching this week because I don't want to regret filing. When I got married, I was seriously thinking about canceling the wedding, but didn't because I thought H would change and I didn't want to look like a failure. I don't want to rush into a D, without really making sure I am ok with it. I don't really have much I am worried about except S. For S's sake, i would love for H and I to reconcile and have a wonderful marriage, but H is making that not possible. If he would go to MC, IC, church, something to show he wanted us to work, then i would stop the train, but there is nothing.

I will just have to do a little more waiting. Wait to see how much my tax return is...wait to see what will happen with Easter...wait to see what will happen with a D....

On a good note, S is getting better although I think my body might be trying to fight off the cold he got so I have been exhausted all week. I mean having to take 30 minute "nap" resting while still listening for S every day this week. Plus going to sleep at 9 every night to wake up tired every morning. I did get both of our easter outfits complete so i am excited. I still don't know about the mommy/S pictures, but I have always wanted some pics of just the two of us even when H was around so why not. Lastly once I know about the refund I am going to get S a swing set for the backyard. We are only two blocks from a park, but on days where we need to go somewhere after school or in the summer when we have already gone to the park, it will be nice for him to just go outside and play.

Although it may not sound like it. I am really doing well besides exhausted. I don't think about H all the time or our sitch all the time. It is mostly when I read other people's sitches or I realize the date and think about what was happening a year ago (this weekend H and OW went on their first overnight weekend...I only said ok because he swore she wasn't going and it was going to a hockey game 4 hours away with coworkers, but it really was just H and OW at the game and then in a hotel room)...then I wonder if OW and H are celebrating these anniversaries?:(