There ya go.. YOU have freedom that he doesn't have.. how ironic eh?
The thing is, there are lots of things people can do to give them a short term thril. Some of these are healthy
Roller Coaster Horror Movie Horseback Ride
some aren't...
Drinking Crime Vadalism (ya I know its a crime, but its often portrayed as "art".. it has a similar dilmena that infidelity does) Fistfight (if you win) Practical jokes Bullying people
Both the healthy and the unhealthy give you a RUSH of excitement... and it DOES produce some happy feelings chemically speaking.
The DIFFERENCE is the long term damage that is done by the second group.
They BOTH produce similar FEELINGS, but the second group does DAMAGE.
Chemically in the brain, the results are quite similar and to the casual observer in both cases the person will appear "happy"
But, the second case dismisses the long term happy. The difference is like comparing a mutual fund investment to a roll of the dice at a luxury Las Vegas Casino
These people just see the short term feelings he's getting and think "its all good then"...
He IS enjoying himself, but its a hollow enjoyment that he will one day grow to regret.
One day twenty or so years from now he's going to have to look his children in the eyes and explain to them what a horrible thing he's been doing for the last three months... and he will NOT be able to run AWAY from that...
He's done that damage now and he WILL have to answer to it some day.. He just isn't aware of it yet.
You have no need to text him, you have what's most important to you now, your children and your life ahead of you... HIS is on a road to somewhere you do NOT want to be part of ... so steer clear..
Allen, Thanks I really like the way you worded it so much better than I did. I will write it down and practice it so I have it my head next time I have the chance to say it. Which I'm sure I will.
Keep toying with it too.. I am never happy with my writing, I always want to keep poking at it.. I see it much like a sculpture and you need to massage it a big more yet... but I think its headed in a good direction...
Certainly not validating him to act on his feelings anymore... I just don't know if its WARM enough in tone that he will even want to HEAR it
YOURS is sympathetic enough that he would listen.. I don't think mine is quite there yet
I like Phil McGraw's but he writes pretty stern like I do :
Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.
And the real kicker is that obligation can feel REALLY good if you put the time into it...
What are we trying to say here to your H though? We may be getting off track if what prompts you to give him that speech you posted earlier...
These talks between us mostly start with my H telling me that we just need to move on and that divorce is the only answer. And since my OD 2 weeks ago, he has admittly said that he is 100% done, which he didn't before.
The convo last night started with me bringing up our living arrangments and my thought on us sharing the house. Of course he tried to turn it to the D talk. Other than what I said above, I left the room.
I think the main thing I would like to get accross to him when we have a convo is that I'm not done, and that I would like to work it out.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb, I think you handled the conversation well. IMO the exact words that you use are NOT going to make a difference, so please don't feel like your M hangs on your exact wording. Your H is making bad choices here, but they are HIS choices. You need to continue keeping the focus on yourself, the children, and what YOU can control.
Please think about making some plans for the weekend. Something that would feel good.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
mb28 I think we need to remember that your H is wayward right now and what he SAYS ins't worth anything...
I think we need to understand the feelings he's trying to convey
"I'm done" = I feel hopeless "We just need to move on" = I am emotionally exhausted "Divorce is the only answer" = I am frustrated beyond measure
So, don't take him at his word, he's trying to tell you how he's feeling right now...
Don't believe a word of it at face value.
I fought an affair in my home for three years off and on... do you know how many time's I heard "I am done" or "It's over"... ?
Well, that all started 3.5 years ago and she's sitting in the next room from me reading a book. Not a pair of socks has left the relationship as of yet and she's planning on expanding her garden in our back yard.
You can't take what they say at face value. When someone is wayward their emotions are in flux and those FEELINGS are all that matters to them... and they are clumsy at expressing those feelings and end up scaring, confusing, and hurting people.
Thank you everyone. What you guys wrote about his words and his feeling made me look at it in a whole new way. I guess my problem has been that when he does say that stuff, like "I'm done" I take it to heart and as truth. I agree on having something constructive to say for when a convo happens.
I'm going to get the kids today, and it's going to be a nice day outside. So I will be doing something fun.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Exactly, its right out of DR, the words are not an accurate representation of the truth.
The stereotype of this is the female here :
HUSBAND : Are you ok?
WIFE : I'm FINE... leave me alone.
HUSBAND : You don't sound fine...
WIFE : I SAID I'm FINE... go AWAY
Now, you don't need a PhD in psychology to know this woman is NOT FINE... right?
Same with your husband... he says "I'm Done" he's NOT meaning I'm Done.. you need to focus on what he's wanting to communicate, which is how he FEELS...
His FEELINGS are at the forefront of his life right now, they are OVERWHELMING HIM.. addictions to this, they heighten your emotions and make them difficult to manage...
So, he's feeling bad... but SO are YOU
So you need to warn him that his FEELINGS although painful, are NOT the only thing int eh world right now that needs attention.
