The journey begins

[Drew]

I really just want to lay out my case that raising the girls has always been a 50/50 proposition and -- if you take money out of the equation -- awarding either one of us sole physical custody would hurt the girls, who are used to having both of us be active in their everyday lives.

Good. Stick with this.

I just don't see how a mediator can get us past this issue.

That's their job.

[iwantittowork]

So those of you who have gone through it, what's it like. Is it a lot of arguing? Is it he said, she said stuff?

Hey CTH, I'll give you my thoughts and experinces, after going through a couple sessions, every one will be different, but hope that you glean some useful info from it.

First, expect the unexpected. Emotional and otherwise.

I look back to my sessions and realize I was really not in the emotional place to be mediating, and that impacted our sessions.

On the one hand though, the mediator did a really good job of trying to keep that in mind, and he was impartial.

Unexpected for me included: My stbxw looking me dead in the eye across the table, and asking the mediator if it was OK to date during this, and saying she would start dating soon, as she needed to find someone new. The cold deadness in her eyes while saying this was something that really took me aback. To the mediator's credit, and there is nothing illegal in my state about infidelity, he told her she should not date during the D proceeding.

The true core of mediation should be financial in nature, splitting one household into two, and focus on that. Listen to he mediator, and if you don't like what you are hearing, you are not obligated to stay, nor agree. The first session is usually light to focus on what mediation will look like.

Keep in the frame of mind as best you can, and try not to build up to much anticipation of the future event yet. Write down what you want on notes, to look at, and refocus when and if emotion starts to creep in. I actually wrote down in big bold letters "NO!!" and "BREATH!!!!" in my notepad, just for me to come back to when I needed to refocus.

In the end, in my session, even the mediator threw up his hands and said, I just don't know what to do in your case, financially we are compromised, and stbxw wanted to hear none of that, and was trying to agree to divorce and stay in same house. No way could I have done that, that is why I chose to end mediation and pursue via L. That will cost me a huge amount financially, but my emotional well being was more important to me.

Good luck CTH..

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

As you may be aware I have been in mediation since 12/31/09 and our mediator is in the process of drawing up our settlement agreement. We ironically enough meet on the 7th to review this document before it is passed onto our respective attorney's.

So those of you who have gone through it, what's it like. Is it a lot of arguing? Is it he said, she said stuff?

In my case no. It really all depends on how you and your W go about things. I believe my W entered these sessions immersed in the affair fog and a touch of guilt. I took advantage of this and treated her with respect and kindness which thus far has translated into the best deal I could have imagined. Does she reverse field at the 11th hour? That is $125,000.00 question.

I can remember only one heated moment during our 5+ sessions and when the steam started to rise the mediator jumped in and defused it. It took great restraint on my part on several occassions during these sessions to not blow my top. Most of that anger for me revolved around her outrageous spending and her affair behavior.

All of our sitch's are different as are the personalities involved and your results may vary. As you have heard time and time again, hope for the best but expect the worst.

[Gardener]

CTH

So those of you who have gone through it, what's it like. Is it a lot of arguing? Is it he said, she said stuff?

CTH, No arguing in my M sessions, just constant tension/stress. A good Mediator will set the tone and keep things relatively calm. And, as I've said before on my thread, since you're always in the same room, face-to-face (unlike L-to-L cases), all the toxic pain and baggage that got you to this point just hangs in the air constantly. I found it much more stressful than I anticipated.
Cie la vie is spot on with this:

All of our sitch's are different as are the personalities involved and your results may vary. As you have heard time and time again, hope for the best but expect the worst.

[smith18]

I really hope you stick with the most important principle in the meeting and that is the working out a parenting plan first. The welfare of the kids come first. And unless one of you is a really crappy parent, it is best for the kids to have equal time with both parents.

I still think your W is wanting full custody based upon money and that is wrong.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks everyone.

For W, wanting full custody is both money and social based. When I originally pitched joint physical custody back in early February -- and she agreed -- the only thing she didn't like was not seeing them five straight days. She didn't think she could handle it.

I understand that. She's never had a huge circle of friends. Her best friend lives in a small town 30 minutes away and doesn't ever come here, she has to go there. So really her mom is her de-facto best friend.

So part of it is she doesn't want to be lonely.

That's not my concern anymore. I'm more concerned that the girls don't grow up with the same weird dynamic W has with her mom and sisters.

Last night was the first night of spring break and I have them 10 straight days. They laid around for a while and then we went to see "How To Train Your Dragon."

It was a little intense for D7. They liked it though. After they called W to tell her what a good movie it was.

Today we are going for a walk in the woods and the library -- D11 has to do some Advanced Reading over the break -- and then I'm not sure. D7 wants to see "Alice In Wonderland." Steak & Shake has a kids eat free deal for the weekend.

I do have to make a confession. It's been months since I snooped. But I was at the house grabbing stuff for the break. I noticed a stack of bills and I thumbed through them. $300 for electric, $270 for gas, a $500 for a clothing store card, $875 for the windows credit card.

So bills continue to pile up. I think that's going to hurt me at mediation. When W is backed into a corner financially she doesn't think straight.

[faithisbelieving]

She seemed to sound like mothers should get the kids during the school week without question. I don't believe that so I'm not sure how much I'm going to chime in in this session.

My attorney tells me, so far, I have the most parenting time than any other father in the State of NY:
-split vacations
-alternating weekends
-2 dinners midweek
-4 weeks vacation in the summer.

If I go to trial, the boiler plate parenting time that I will be awarded is:
-split vacations
-alternating weekends
-no parenting time midweek
-2 weeks vacation during the summer.

During your mediation, the line I share with you is that if both parties walk away unhappy then it is probably a fair settlement.

As mentioned, give away all that you really don't need. Stand strong for those things that you need to stay solvent and see your children.

So bills continue to pile up. I think that's going to hurt me at mediation. When W is backed into a corner financially she doesn't think straight.

Many of our STBXW's don't. I think it just goes hand in hand with the syndrome of WAS's. My STBXW, since knowing that she may get 45% of the equitable share of the house:
-has gone to a local automobile dealership looking at new cars
-promised our 9 year old son an iPhone
-etc

If you think the money will go towards the kids.........

Stay strong. Keep to the high road. Focus on the kids. Stay under control during mediation.

Finally, as for not answering the phone. I agree with much of what the other's posted. If you think that the kids will be 'blocked' from calling you, consider having something written into your stipulation (eg, the kids are free to call the other parent as much as needed and parents are allowed X number of calls per day...week...etc).

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

FIB, I definitely wouldn't want to live in N.Y.

I still have high hopes that I'll get either joint physical custody. I can't believe that the parent WITH the flexible schedule isn't going to get some sort of consideration.

But that's for another day.

Yesterday we made it to the library. Over to a mini-putt place for batting practice with a coworker. Small meltdown by D7. Out to eat at Steak & Shake. Home to watch TV and sleep.

Today. Church. Then over to a flower store so D7 could sell girl scout cookies. D11 bought herself a necklace. Then a hike through the woods.

[ClingingToHope]

Call from mediator's office this morning. I'd forgotten I called last week to verify the appointment and they weren't in.

So this lady Andrea asks me whether I have concerns about W's alcohol and drug use. I said no. She asked if we'd had any physical confrontations. I said no. She asked if I had any worries about meeting her in person. I said no.

She said the cost is $400 for three sessions and we were to pay up front. I asked what happens if we don't use all three? She said we'd be refunded.

I said I'd drawn a line in the sand on what I wanted and I doubted the mediator can get us to agree. She said the mediator has a very good track record.

I guess we'll see. Why am I now dreading this meeting?

It could be because I'm dreading it and W is most likely excited.

How do I get this out of my head? Off to take a shower. The girls have a dentist appointment.

[whatisis]

Clinging, I think whenever you've had the D bomb dropped on you it becomes almost second nature to look up for the next one whether there's any reason to expect it or not. It's all part of being traumatized. So recognize your fear, try and reduce it cognitively and carry on anyway! Good luck with it.