I am typically very straight forward..and say what is on my mind..and I think he has come to expect that from me...and perhaps that made me a bit boring..I was too consistent. I want to shake things up a bit. I want to be a bit mysterious..I don't want him to be able to know my next move...or expect a particular reaction..If this makes any sense.
I got manipulated... I texted him me- "Im at work" him- "why didn't you respond" me- "didnt know how to respond. how did you respond" him- "congratulations" me- "in person or email" him- "both. i gotta tell ya. your reaction is a lot less happy and much more pushy than I expected" me- "im digesting. bid her farewell for me" him- "what is the friggin problem. she is gone in 2 weeks. you are impossible" me- "perhaps you are getting the wrong vibe over text message. thank you for letting me know" him- "whatever"
Than I called (I know I know)....and it was not a very good conversation..not terrible..but not so good. 1) I told him that I was still digesting all of this 2) I asked him where she was moving to- he said a firm closer to her house. I asked what town..and he asked why? I said "i just want to know where she lurks"..he didnt like that. He responded "if we make it through this- i will tell you where she works"..OK 3) he said "I thought you were going to be really happy about this..i gotta tell ya.."...and 'don't I get any credit for telling you?" 4) he said that she told him yesterday she was going on an interview.
Here is my problem with all of this..(besides his attitude) he said he doesn't talk to her..hmmm- she told you she was going on an interview. Did she sign it to you? She felt like it was appropriate to email my H and tell him that she provided her resignation..was that door really closed? They had a conversation after the email where he said congratulations..said where she was going..that she was happy about leaving and happy about the new job?
I see that my H has really given her the message loud and clear- NO CONTACT!!!! I didn't say this to him..but I need to say something..He wants credit for telling me???? Anytime I ask him more than 2 consecutive questions..he calls it interrogation. This doesn't sound like a man over his A and ready to work on his M. He has a way of manipulating me into feeling like I shouldnt be asking anything. (I know the lurking comment was immature..but....otherwise- I don't think I said anything wrong)
I am typically very straight forward..and say what is on my mind..and I think he has come to expect that from me...and perhaps that made me a bit boring..I was too consistent. I want to shake things up a bit. I want to be a bit mysterious..I don't want him to be able to know my next move...or expect a particular reaction..If this makes any sense.
I agree you should shake things up a bit by detaching from the emotional rollercoaster. Strategies don't work. I am quoting from my thread from a person wiser than me. You can't play chess with a crazy person.
The only thing this does is it may make it easier for him to break off all contact. not gaurenteed but I remember saying he has to go or she does so this is the better scenario for you if this works out because he still has his career.
More in a bit I have to go open my wine.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
back...I know it is VERY hard to take these little steps and not get excited. A good development? Yes. What did he do though to warrant accolades from you?
In reality if he wants to see her, he will. He is acting like this is the magic bullet. IMO he has to work a lot harder. He didn't do anything here. Now if HE fired her and sent her packing that would be action!
This is about taking your power back. This woman has hurt you. This man has hurt you. You don't owe either of them anything that makes them feel better. You feel better. And I don't know about you but I don't want to hear about or talk about OP. Don't let it touch you anymore. It should not be the focus anymore as we talked earlier today. Don't let him focus on it anymore either as a step in reconciling it is a given right? It's supposed to be over and in the past. So WTF? It is a step he has supposedly already taken.
Check your gut here Lola. Do you really feel better? I think you're coming around to recognizing (and I think rightly)that this was inconsequential to YOU and your M. This is more for him, and he's trying to gain mileage out of it. No ground has been made toward YOU in my opinion.
BTW "did he sign it to her?" THAT is funny sh*t girl! Enjoy your night in the city.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I will be joining you virtually with a glass of wine shortly....
MC- that is exactly right..his actions do not match his words..and even his words don't match his words.
If he was serious about ending contact..than that means NO CONTACT. I feel like even having the conversation about her new job opened the door again....she went into his office. If she was given the message of NO CONTACT loud and clear..she would not be attempting any future contact, not sending emails, text messages, and strolling into his office to talk about her new job.
He manipulates me by getting defensive...saying that I am interrogating him. This is his way of not discussing it any further so that he doesn't have to tell any additional lies..or half truths. He didn't send me the full email conversation...there is a reason for this. I am biting my tongue right now because she IS leaving in two weeks and perhaps that is what is really necessary for him to break this thing up once and for all...The time has finally come so I don't want to blow it.
When will I feel like the wall between us is down..and the wall between him and OW are up? He just doesn't get that he CANNOT be friends with her..EVER. He won't tell me where she is working? Why is he protecting her? He asked me about coming home again during the call...he needs to let his landlord know about his lease. He has his apartment until the end of April. I told him to hold off until after we go to the MC..and see what she recommends.
I have had this bad feeling in my gut all day. He still hasn't closed the door on her...he is leaving it slightly ajar just in case we don't work out IMO. That is no way to go into MC. Perhaps I am just hypervigilent to everything because of what has happened..but he really hasn't provided me with much to feel otherwise. I know my situation is a bit different than some...my H says he wants to work it out (which many would be ecstatic about)...but I get the impression he may just be going through the motions to say that he gave it a shot. I don't want to put the effort in if this is how he is approaching things. Please tell me if I am crazy or my thought process is skewed. After speaking to him..I often question my sanity. He just isn't completely transparent..
I am vascillating between trying to win him back...and making him fall in love with me again...and then just kicking him to the curb. Most DB efforts will be pointless if he is still carrying on his A..even if it downgrades to just an EA. I am just not convinced.
thanks Grit..city is tomorrow night- cleaning lady was a no show today- which has got me crabby. I am going to pop open a bottle of wine, blast my iPod and clean my house tonight..don't be jealous.
Now comes the big decision...do I play my mellow mix (actually called mellow)...featuring David Gray, Adele, Ray LaMontagne, etc...or do I play my run mix (for when I jog)...featuring Haze, Nelly, 2Pac etc... What goes better with a malbec??? or should I pair the music with my mood???
I am playing my Iphone on Pandora radio with Eddie Vedder selected. I am getting Eddie Vedder (obviously) Pearl Jam (Obviously) Dave mathews, beck, nirvana, alice in chains (all acoustic) Pretty cool. I say let the mood flow...or whetever goes well with rolling a Dyson.
I am drinking a GSM (grenache, Syrah and Mourvedre)blend from CA-tasty!
I'll respond to long post above- domani. Gonna put the ribeyes on in a few.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
but I get the impression he may just be going through the motions to say that he gave it a shot. I don't want to put the effort in if this is how he is approaching things. Please tell me if I am crazy or my thought process is skewed. After speaking to him..I often question my sanity. He just isn't completely transparent..
You are NOT crazy...what is happening is that you are coming out from under the spell of living with a person who either has a PD or PD tendencies. Once free from the daily effects; you start to see a little clearer and notice how crazy you USED to be.
I know that feeling all too well...sometimes in an emotional moment, I even think that I miss it...how crazy is that????
I never used to be like that...it's like an addiction...
