Quote: but you can't change someones mind if they have it set on something.
You're right, but you can change their perceptions on how they view what is and that in turn can get them to change their minds of their own feel will.
Sue, I'm fearing you are falling into the same trap your H is in ... resigning to the belief that there isn't anything left worth fighting for. A belief based on what you are ASSuming is going on in his head. You are reacting to what he believes and trying to come up with what to do based on how he is going to react.
Sue you need to act upon your beliefs, not his. If you feel it is the right thing for you to do, is fight to save this M, then you need to fight for it ... without expectation that he should be doing the same. A year and a half ago, CAW thought she hated me. Hatred comes from a pretty set mindset. I validated, gave her space, detached, but also as important, I made my stance known that I believed just as strongly that this M could survive to become better than before and I chose my actions and solutions around my belief.
Validate and give them space out of respect for them, but balance it with fighting for what you believe in. It is your fortitude in what you believe in that forces them to reconsider how they perceive the way they believe how things are.
Even tho CAW thought she hated me and at first resented the little things I did for her as my 180, but I stuck with them because its how I believed I wanted to be. I did (and still do), the flowers and cards thing and others little things that thru my actions say I care. In time, it altered her preception as to why she hated me and the anger started to abade and that triggered further re-evaluation in what she believed in. So you're right, you can't make them change their minds, but by living by what you believe in can alter their beliefs behind their "set" minds.
Quote: I have thought about sending him a card..even a letter with ALL my feelings, but thought that was the easy way out..he needs to hear it from me face to face..
Its not an easy way out of being face-to-face, Sue, because they are not to replace the discusion, but rather be a precusor to being face-to-face. "Breaking the ice" sorta speak or hopefully in your case melting and softening it some so the face-to-face doesn't seem so daunting to bring up.
