Thanks gals...just leaving to go to MIL..did not know if h was going to pick me up..so I called and he said he was just going to meet me there..a first...why do I let these little things get me down..after church this morning he seemed so distance..but sure can be up and bubbley around others..I know I should "act as if" we will be together again..believe me I have been that way for a year...but recently I sense he wants out for what he seems for sure.
The pastor did say she had not forgotten that I wanted to talk..sais when I was ready to call..so I said "how about Wed. morning before work"..now I wonder what do I say..what do I ask her...I believe h has talked to her, but she is not going to tell me, and of course I don't want her to..maybe he has said things that he assumes I feel, and by her hearing both sides and their feelings, she can intervene or help out..who knows..
I am going to inlaws and putting on my best smile..and tight jeans and sweater..I still have hopes h sees the new me..body and mind!!!!!!!!
Good day Sue, Yuuuckk! A cold around the holidays ... always a combo that will put a damper on the ole PMA and gets those doubts stirrin'. Hope you're feeling better now and had a good time at MIL's to help recharge your "batteries" ... and speaking of batteries ... hope the "go-live" with the new computer system today didn't cause any additional stress there either.
... and stop running yourself over with a 4x4! It doesn't matter how many times you need to repeat yourself here if you haven't found a solution yet that you are comfortable with ... THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE ... to help try to find something that will work for you. Take me for instance, I been feeling like I've been going around in circles for over six months now, I just gettin' more & more dizzy. ... and over the holiday to feel like I'm spinning like a top, but that's for my thread if I get the time...
Sue, having face-to-face talk to expose your feelings to H is understandably daunting and can very well feel like an overwelming obstacle to approach. Instead of looking at it as one big talk, what if you started to chip away at it a little at a time? Maybe little "forget-me-nots" (no I don't mean the flowers), little actions that can say the words for you, like ... sending a greeting card to his address along the theme of "...just thinking of you" or "hope you're having a good day" (to this day, CAW still keeps in her breifcase for work such a card I gave her last year.) . Picking up a book that you think he'd enjoy reading or a favorite snack food that he may not think of picking up himself. Ways to express your feeling to him without having to saying it nor making feel like persuit, by keeping it on a friendship level rather than a romantic level.
HI...Thanks KAW..I feel like I have been run over by a 18 wheeler....I don't usually feel sorry for myself and am trying real hard not to let it get the best of me.I guess not feeling good is a good excuse..plus my Dad, who is in nursing home, has not been doing too good..filling up with fluid..so all plays on and with the mind.. I have thought about sending him a card..even a letter with ALL my feelings, but thought that was the easy way out..he needs to hear it from me face to face.. yet it seems like things are going backward for him..or am I ASSuming?? If he thinks we need to do something"legal" about this so we aren't inlimboland, why would I want to keep making the effort to get him to notice any changes...I don't feel like trying to do anymore db'ing if he has it in his head the m is over.SO whoever wants to take a whack at me..go ahead..I know this does not sound like I want to save the m..I do more than anything, but I am not going to make a fool of myself with him.
I am going to talk to Pastor Thurs..see if she has any suggestions...if he beleives that a d is what he needs..then I will not fight it...I will do the best I can for myself, but you can't change someones mind if they have it set on something. Now mind you, h has never beeen a difficult person..never a "have to have it my way" person..if that descibes anyone it would be more me..but he did not make much effort to piece m back before he moved, as in his head he wanted out..seems the same now...let's not take the risk and work on the m, let's get d....who knows..I feel mixed up.
Sorry I am rambling again.....
work was not too bad..will get worse before better.
Quote: ..I know this does not sound like I want to save the m..I do more than anything, but I am not going to make a fool of myself with him.
not going to whack you sue, I am however going to ask you...would you rather make a fool out of yourself and possibly not get the divorce? or would you rather not make a fool of yourself and get the divorce?
Quote: but you can't change someones mind if they have it set on something.
You're right, but you can change their perceptions on how they view what is and that in turn can get them to change their minds of their own feel will.
Sue, I'm fearing you are falling into the same trap your H is in ... resigning to the belief that there isn't anything left worth fighting for. A belief based on what you are ASSuming is going on in his head. You are reacting to what he believes and trying to come up with what to do based on how he is going to react.
Sue you need to act upon your beliefs, not his. If you feel it is the right thing for you to do, is fight to save this M, then you need to fight for it ... without expectation that he should be doing the same. A year and a half ago, CAW thought she hated me. Hatred comes from a pretty set mindset. I validated, gave her space, detached, but also as important, I made my stance known that I believed just as strongly that this M could survive to become better than before and I chose my actions and solutions around my belief.
Validate and give them space out of respect for them, but balance it with fighting for what you believe in. It is your fortitude in what you believe in that forces them to reconsider how they perceive the way they believe how things are.
Even tho CAW thought she hated me and at first resented the little things I did for her as my 180, but I stuck with them because its how I believed I wanted to be. I did (and still do), the flowers and cards thing and others little things that thru my actions say I care. In time, it altered her preception as to why she hated me and the anger started to abade and that triggered further re-evaluation in what she believed in. So you're right, you can't make them change their minds, but by living by what you believe in can alter their beliefs behind their "set" minds.
Quote: I have thought about sending him a card..even a letter with ALL my feelings, but thought that was the easy way out..he needs to hear it from me face to face..
Its not an easy way out of being face-to-face, Sue, because they are not to replace the discusion, but rather be a precusor to being face-to-face. "Breaking the ice" sorta speak or hopefully in your case melting and softening it some so the face-to-face doesn't seem so daunting to bring up.
WOW..........Kaw...the question about making a fool of myself made me think real hard..and I had to re-read it several times slowly!
I guess you are right..I am beginning to get tired and starting to feel like h..that there is nothing left to save.
You really have made me think..THANK YOU...I don't want to give up..at least not yet...before reading this, I was going to tell my Pastor that I am ready to give him a d, because he seems to want that..I am not going to think that way anymore...I need to keep taking care of me..I need to build my pma and realize it ain't over till it's over..and then it isn't over!
You have got to DETACH from h. Don't let every decision you make now be influenced by what you think he'll do or say. The sooner you start to be independent of him the sooner he will take notice! Read ACORN's post on detaching. It sure helped me. Go out and CHANGE you and get the focus off your h.
Go to the pastor but don't look for a reason to give h the d. You need to look for a reason for your mind to be decided! Do you want him back or not? is the ? of the hour. Even if he thinks he wants the d...his mind can change! My h has been in my face numerous times YELLING it's absolutely over this time...but i stood firm in my decision NOT to get a d and now he says he has hope for our marriage to grow/we are in counseling. If you make a decision and do not waver, your strenght WILL make an impact on him.
Now go out and get in a kickboxing class, change your hair style, join the gym, take up sewing, get your nails done, change your wardrobe, change the decor in your house...go do what you want for yourself! Believe me a vibrant, determined, strong, purposeful woman that is in YOU will get his head turning. Take it from me...it works!
I love the letter idea. I think it gets everything you want to say out, and you have the opportunity to play with the words and get them exactly how you want them. In a conversation, I know I can get so flustered that things don't come out uite the way I like. Or I forget things I wanted to say.
And, as KAW says, it is a great pre-cursor to a conversation. Gives him something to think about and then respond and possibly have a great talk then, with the foundation being set and everything you want to say out there.
Cindy...nice to meet you...I know I don't seem to be detached...I am not sure I know how...I have lost weight, wearing different clothes..taken up quilting...redecorating house...so you hit on many things I have changed. Thing is I am having trouble with how to respond to those comments from h...I want to fight for the m, but I am not going to point blank tell him that even if he files I will fight him all the way...I don't know the right way to proceed. I am leaving him alone, I won't call him anymore to go out...these are big 180 for me.
Helped at church dinner and as h went through line with plate.. and a big smile..he teasingly moved it around as I put the food on it....I said "smarty"....just little things like that give me a warm feeling.......
It doesn't matter how many times you need to repeat yourself here if you haven't found a solution yet that you are comfortable with ... THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE ... to help try to find something that will work for you. Take me for instance, I been feeling like I've been going around in circles for over six months now, I just gettin' more & more dizzy. 
... and over the holiday to feel like I'm spinning like a top, but that's for my thread if I get the time...