New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to reunite with my W. I don't think my W is cake-eating or taking adavntage of me. Some on this board probably disagree, I don't know. I just notice many posts on this board dealing with boundaries and people encouraging LBSs to be firmer with their WAWs, etc.

I was just wondering if I needed to set boundaries as well.

Thanks, Michelle.

JR

[MichelleLT]

You have set boundaries. If they are working for you, if you don't feel like she's taking advantage of you, then that's fine.

You need to do what works in your situation, what works for you and your family, not blindly follow other opinions. Even mine lol

I just had a random thought....maybe apologize about the conversation. "I am getting close to retirement, I am feeling pressured to make some decisions and look for other work. I am also feeling the financial pressure of not having as much of a cushion as I would like while I am trying to find civilian employment. I know that you are under a lot of stress too though, and I'm sorry for bringing up that stuff while you are busy trying to go to school and deal with the kids full-time. I'm sure hearing me say that you and the kids might have to live off less money was very scary."

Did you used to own up to your part in things and apologize: when you first got together? Later on? During and after your deployment and post-deployment? Since you S? (I.e. would this be a 180?)

Do you think having her fears and defensiveness validated would make her feel more understood and allow the two of you to move towards a more team based problem solving attitude? (Not to mention smooth over the ruffled feathers and reduce her negative emotions towards you?)

[JR09]

Michelle,

I think I did well at apologizing for my mistakes and own up to them throughout my M. Maybe I should follow your validating thoughts and write my W an email. I have to say I have followed your guidance since I've been on this board. All of them have been super useful and encouraging. I don't think I would have done things correctly had I not followed your guidance and Carlos'for the past year...

You are right about doing what works for ME. So far so good. 22 months of separation and no D yet. I must be doing something right...I'm just concerned about what I may be doing wrong...

JR

[JR09]

Michelle, Carlos,

This friend from church came by tonight and told me I needed to go to my W's parents' home and tell her how I feel. He said it's time after 2 years to do it. I told him I wasn't sure if it's the best idea. He said there is no time to wait and just go there, ask to speak to my W and tell her how much I want her to be a part of my life.

I am not too sure about this move. Sounds like mega pursuing, pushing. I don't know. It's more a desperate move more than anything. what do you guys think ???

JR

[MichelleLT]

Desperate. Pursuing. Unnecessary.

She knows how you feel. You told her on the phone remember? (or at least implied it through the questions you asked) What would you say that would be different? REALLY different? Instead of asking questions you would say that you don't want D, you need her, etc. A big grand romantic gesture. I'm not so sure it's what she wants.

Furthermore, she just told you that she's still thinking about going forward with the D, and that she doesn't want you moving closer. The only thing showing up on her door does is show a complete lack of respect for her personal boundaries.

Our society teaches men to test women's boundaries, to pursue them, even when the woman does not seem especially receptive. Many men are taught that persistence will pay off and she will give in. Sometimes it works. Generally it works on young women who haven't learned how to stand up for themselves. Your W is neither of those LOL.

Just MHO of course.

You can always set up phone consults with a DB coach if you want a professional opinion.

[JR09]

Right on target, Michelle. That's how I felt as well. Just wanted confirmation. Unnecessary is the word. Too much has already been said. Pulling back is the wisest thing to do. You are always right.

THANKS.

JR

[JR09]

I'm back with the boys today til SAT. Great to see them. They are all doing well. My S11 and S7 are very clingy. I guess it's quite normal for children who haven't seen their father for a long time.

Saw my W as she dropped them off in the hotel. I had a little backpack for her with a few things she'd need for her work (water bottle, planner...) She didn't take it. Bummer. I should have known. Too much pressure on my part probably. The bad part was when she didn't take it in front of the kids. Awkward moment. My heart sank, and the kids didn't know what to say.

But I quickly recovered and didn't make a big deal about it. I should have known better. Nothing would say she'd take the gift in the right spirit. She actually DIDN'T have to accept the gift. Too much expectations from me.

Seems like my W is deeply entrenched in her anger, resentment, venom. I just continued on with the kids and started our spring break on a good note. Now is the time to focus solely on the boys. 5 days goes by so quickly...

JR

[MichelleLT]

Have a great time!

Lavish all the love and attention you can on them. Make some great memories. Talk talk talk. And have fun!

Curious what the gift was all about and what prompted you to do that.

Glad you recovered quickly.

Human beings are pretty hardwired with a sense of obligation. Friendships are built on reciprocity. I do something nice for you, you do something nice for me. But the person to do the first nice thing now is owed something by the recipient.

If your W had accepted the gift, she would have felt a sense of obligation to reciprocate. She doesn't want to be obligated to you, she wants to be independent. By doing it in front of the kids, you probably further annoyed her because she didn't want to say or do anything perceived as ungracious or mean in front of the children. But she still felt she couldn't accept it.

What's done is done. No expectations. Just forget about it. Enjoy the time with your kids.

[JR09]

Michelle,

My W wrote a short email telling me she would drop off the kids early because she was off to her internship as a medical assistant. I didn't know she was already in her internship phase. So while I was in the PX, I was prompted to get her a few items maybe she could use while learning her trade as a medical assistant: planner, water bottle, pens, calculator, a watch to take pulse, and some chocolate snacks, plus a little backpack. I thought I did well...

So when she declined. It cut me right through the heart for a few minutes. Really awkward moment with the boys looking at me. But, as I said earlier, I really kept my composure and hustled the boys in the hotel with their bags, doing my best to carry on as if nothing happened...with the backpack in my hand. I told myself no harm was done in the end. It was just a risk I took, and I should have prepared myself for a negative reaction from my W. The important part was that the Boys were with me and that was my sole focus.

So all in all I think I did OK. Anyway. THANKS again for the morale boost, Michele.I;m just trying to be a good father with the boys. They need that sense of identity with their dad. we had a blast swimming and playing b-ball. There is still a lot of time til SAT...

JR

[JR09]

Having a blast with the boys. Memories are made right now. The boys really miss their dad, I can tell. I don't understand my W. Why hold on to so much anger?... It hurts her, the boys, and me.
This is really sad. Childish. Selfish.

JR