setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

[Piano]

Intelligence update:
My overseas friend has got back to me and was unable to find out from two people - she did not approach the OW direct - if they had any info about the A & whether or not it was continuing.
She did however report that the OW is apparently "not doing well at all", according to her family. Don't know if that's because my WAH and her have broken it off or not.

The next day, one of the friends she asked, who is a common friend of myself, best friend of my WAH and cousin to the OW, rang me yesterday from overseas. He said he felt terrible about not protesting the A when it first came up, and asked what he could do to help me and the situation! Great!! A supporter!

I asked him to tell the OW to protect herself from my WAH, and to consider her part in the damage she is causing me, WAH, our unborn child, and our families. With regard to my WAH, I asked this friend to tell him to stop escaping into fantasy land with OW and accept his responsibilities and deal with his problems and fears.

He also told me he has no intelligence on the A, other than that OW is "being very discreet", hasn't spoken to her in a month, but since there has been do declaration of a split up, he still thinks they have plans to be together.

Otherwise, my locally-based friend rang back yesterday and said he couldn't do it.. He didn't want to 'lie' to my WAH and ask things sneekily. I said I understood.... what else was I to say?

[Piano]

Hi, could really do with some advice here.

It's 7 weeks to due date...and counting.

Had 3 weeks of going dark.

Replied to WAH' emails (FINALLY) with this:

(husband)
Been busy at this end, thanks for the emails.
We're doing well, and I am handling things.
Hope things turn out for you,
(wife)

Basically followed DB coach's last advice which is make him work for information about me, and the baby, cos right now it's ALL about him.

I also set up my own bank account and my next pay will be directed to threre.

Am doing NC, GAL, woking hard and preparing for my new life as a single mum.

A friend told me WAH doesn't know how to communicate with me anymore, and that he plans to ride out the storm until the baby is born...??

Again, any advice/encouragement on how to play my sitch between now and the birth?

[jasper67]

hang in there and keep strong...you seem to be doing well, though I know it's tough.

((HUGS))

[Piano]

Thanks Jasper, appreciate it. I know I am getting better at this - it's babysteps though. It's coming up to 3months since the Bomb & separation, and most of the time it just feels as surreal as it ever. Am sure most people here relate.

A practical question: many of WAH's friends (who are MY friends also but probably at the end of the day are more his) are getting in touch via email and skype asking how I am doing. While I think they are shocked by what WAH is doing, I'm afraid many of them are taking a "philosophical" stance (which is an intellectual way of fence-sitting, I think.).

What do I tell them? I can tell them I am looking after me and baby etc and that I'm a bit over talking about things..I think asking them to protest the A and do what they can to help WAH address our M, is not going to wash with these guys...

[jasper67]

It's tough to discern who is able to help and who will sit on their hands...my friends did the same thing- all supporting indiv. happiness over responsibilities and obligations- or he basic right thing to do.

I wish none of this on anyone, but perhaps one day they may wear our shoes and understand these feelings...

I think for now, positive and upbeat- def focus on being the best mom possible...perhaps a few truth darts here and there...I would possibly make a list of potential ones and hone them w/ others on the board so you will know what to use and when to use them

[Piano]

Jasper, individual happiness - it's modern-day thinking, isn't it?

Gee wiz WAH, too bad about your unborn child growing up without her dad, the financial burden your putting on BS as a single mum, the break-up of our extended family unit...for starters!

But NUP! In WH's mind, his A is worth ALL of the above. The SELFISHNESS of it!

Positive thoughts today: HE's missing out on this baby, not me. And it's SO much fun having a baby.

Positive actions today: on E-bay trying to buy the best pram, secondhand. I'm the only bidder.. 34mins to go!!

[Piano]

Ahh question...

Facts:
1. My WAH told me the truth about his affair 2 months after it started (it happened while he was o/seas, so none of it happened under 'our roof').

2. As soon as he fessed up about the A (that was Day 2 of returning from o/seas) he and I separated immediately.

3. He has given me little reason to think that we are getting back together, espically thesedays.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO PROOF THE A HAS FINISHED OR IS STILL GOING, a Q bugging me is, can I call his A and "affair"?

Are affairs only an affair when they are lying to you about it and living under the same roof as you?

[Piano]

NEED HELP!

WAH has just emailed. It's a more open email than usual and more revealing of his emotions.

He begins by hoping me and the baby are well as we are the most important people right now.

He is giving me more job hunting updates, expressing he is now very worried he hasn't has success, and telling me what he's hoping to do about it.

Then he tells me he would like to see me and support me in the last weeks of my pregnancy but is afraid of it being acrimonious like the last time we met, and hurtful for both of us. Says it's 'paramount' my pregnancy is peaceful, restful and focused.
(HE MUST BE GETTING THESE LINES FROM PEOPLE WHO'VE TALKED TO ME.)

He also said if I want, he will attend more co-parenting counseling.

DO I reply?
DO I wait a bit?
WHAT do I say?

It seems NC and one short email reply from me recently has pushed him to WORK HARDER. I don't want to blow this!!!

Sandi, Puppy, Allen.. where are you guys??

[Truegritter]

Hey Piano. Tried to get the gist of your sitch. First You've been married for 13 years? and your first baby is due. Has H been acting weird or depressed prior to A?

I'm not one to tell you exactly what to do but I think the advice you've been getting is good advice. Old Pilot posted that if he's in MLC (that's why I aske the question above)then a lot of this stuff gets harder. Your not dealing with someone you can use strategy to force behaviors. Quite frankly they just don't give a hoot. You end up focusing on some outcome or deadline you've tried to force through your strategy (i.e. NC) and drive your self crazy! Whether he is in MLC or not you need to focus on YOU and your baby. If you find yourself doing something that focuses on H STOP! This includes trying to get info on A.

You saw my last post to Jasper. Those steps posted by Lostforwords. Learn it and live it. It will set you free. You've already started to look at yourself with your DB coach. If you do this for YOURSELF you will be on sure footing emotionally. Then you can decide what YOU want.

In the meantime, you don't diserve your marriage by detaching and taking care of you.

[Piano]

Hi there TG! yes married for 13, together 15, 14months trying to get pregnant, finally get pregnant with assistance, then we move overseas, 3months apart during that, during which time he has a PA with old friend. Comes back 3 months ago, drops bomb, ILYBINILWY, "I never want to live with you again', 'No hope for us', 'I love OW', "I love this baby and want to be it's father', "I want to go back and live overseas forever"... etc etc.
Definately a nervous breakdown. Loss of great job overseas, turning 40, leaving his country or origin, becoming a father (his father abandoned him at birth), etc etc. What's the diff between a MLC and a nervous breakdown??