You might want to check into some antianxiety medication if you are being affected by lack of sleep and constant worry. If it's only first thing in the morning probably not.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
The dating—well that was his crazy idea the first time he went through crisis. He had OW, although refused to admit it (until 8 years later), and he wanted to date. To move out and date me. Like I said I thought he was crazy. Plus, I believed there was OW no matter what he said, so I refused to do it. I asked him to leave. When the time came, he stayed. Recommitted himself to the M. Then the dating was not necessary in his mind. We were fine and didn’t need to do anything to make our M better. So we returned to this place years later.
The years in between were not horrible. Life happens and you go on. Unfortunately, my H hadn’t dealt with his issues. It has been 3 years since the first bomb of this go round. He is still in la la land and that is where he needs to stay until he can figure himself out. I don’t believe he will wake up. He moves forward and backwards and I sit on the sidelines and observe.
I live my life. I am happy. I am no longer waiting for my H or my M to be reconciled. But like we all have said, each situation is unique. It takes time for the LBS to heal and grow and see what they want their future to look like. I will always love my H, but he has to do the work so that maybe someday he can be happy too.
They appear happy on the outside. Don’t doubt that it is a mask that they wear. When no one is around, they will cry, they will remember, they will sleep all day and basically are very sad underneath. They try to make themselves appear happy because they hope that they can feel it. And they do feel it, for short periods of time. Then they sadness overwhelms them again. So they try something else to feel happy again. It is all a cycle. The more you learn about it, the easier it will be for you to understand and for you to move forward with your own life and to where ever that may take you.
Keep moving forward, understand what you are really seeing, and take your journey.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I thought of that SoCo, but it's not really anxiety. During the day and at night I'm relatively OK. I get to sleep OK. It's just the awakening part. That's the time when our bodies quick in for the day, our whole physiology changes when we transition from wake to sleep. It's actually normal. Mine just seems to OVERDO it, something I've never had to deal with before in my life! I know it's situationally related, but how can you control going from subconciousness to conciousness? And there's absolutely nothing that I'm aware of that can turn it back down, just at wake time!!
I was wondering because we DID date, and it was a roller-coaster ride all unto itself! At first it was great fun.
But then I was trying to be an exciting fun date, and I was also the custodial parent of the kids, and I was also working full-time!! The laundry was piling up, I was taking time off work to do the shopping, I was staying up late talking to H on the phone and then getting up a few hours later to start the day with the kids, not getting in to work (catching up on sleep!). I even had to listen to him complain about his W (me!) like I was the OW, and provide the emotional support!!
I got so burned out, and then he had not dealt with his own demons --- like you said!!. So he slid back into MLC and I walked out. I think that was even harder then everything else I'd been through.
They DO have to deal with their issues. I guess there has to be some sort of wake-up point or else it just goes on and on. For some it may be loosing or breaking up with OW, for some moving out and not liking it, for some heading towards sep or D. If none of that works, then they are out there for a long time. Then it just really depends on how much and for how long the LBS can stand to watch/wait or pick back up the pieces if they return.
I am pleased to hear that you are happy. That is some hope in and of itself.
I do feel like I will be happy in the future. It's just hard because I really honestly truley bought into the whole marriage and fidelity thing. Now I have to figure out how to change my whole mind-set to be able to have a different life. My head doesn't think that way.
I do believe what you say about the mask on the outside. And that he is sometimes lonely when no one is around. But not enough to come back to us, and we (me, kids, family, general picture) are indeed lovely (IMHO!!). I just think he's looking out from his super cool new digs, imagining all the cool friends and dinner parties and cute girls who will be there one day (maybe, maybe not, but that's the fantasy and for him it's possible, at least for 10-15 years still, which is a LONG time). And against that we are just a pale and boring old story. yuck.
SecondChance, How can 50/50 be a high number? Either they wake up and want to reconcile or not. Of course, you will have a say as to whether you want to try again if they wake up. It's an even split right down the middle, just like the flipping of a coin.
You have to be happy w/you. Happiness comes from within and you shouldn't have to change for someone else to be happy. I wouldn't listen to a darn thing he says about how you should be. Why? Because he doesn't know which end is up. Tune the man out and take a good look in the mirror and if you are happy w/the person you are, don't sweat the small stuff.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
50/50 is a high number exactly because it is NOT a toin coss! It's a person, and free-will, and an already messed up head space, and an already walked-away spouse with an ego that won't admit he was wrong, and his family and friends encouraging him to keep moving on, and other options for him out there.
Today was a tough day, I miss him alot.
At one point I thought, I should just call him to come home now, this is so silly already.
Then I remembered that it probably wouldn't work, and I should keep going with my current strategy to get a life! I hate this.
I think he has big plans with his new life friends tonight anyways.
Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time thinking about someone who doesn't even want to be with me, when there are people who probably do!
No, it wouldn't have worked to call and tell him to come home. You would have come off sounding like a controlling mother speaking to a little boy who has run away.
Most likely he does have plans w/his new playmates. Their sandbox is more exciting right now and then too, they really don't know the history behind the man.
We all have gone through periods of thinking about them constantly. It's normal. It's one step at a time, one day at a time. Sometimes people try too hard to GAL and become frustrated. Just be patient w/yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It just makes me feel so ill.. how can a rational and grown man just walk away from his wife and kids? And how can his family and friends support this?
A friend of mine is a WAW in MLC... and she said the weirdest thing along these lines... if her OM doesn't work out, then she's prepared to "live with the consequences of her decision."
I said, "your HUSBAND AND CHILDREN are the consequences of your decisions. What are you saying?!!!"
As you might imagine, she didn't get it, and it didn't go over well!
That's the problem...you have to realize he's not rational right now and he may be living in a grown man's body, but he's reverted back to a teenager. You are not dealing with an emotionally mature adult.
Mlcers are kids in adult bodies. We can't see the bruises and cuts that they suffered as children because they are internal. When the switch is flipped, they go back to the time when they were emotionally stunted. Just as your friend has. They do not stop and think about anyone else but themselves. It's all about them...it's the mentality of a selfish, self-centered kid.
You don't know what he's told his friends and family. Blood is thicker than water when it comes to his family. At some point doing the journey, everyone will begin to see that something is seriously wrong w/them. You have to sit back and let them figure it out for themselves because your h has rewritten history and you are now the enemy. After all, why would they think he was making it up? Surely it has to be true if he's walked and it now living the life of fun and freedom. Again, eventually they will figure it out.
Just be the best you can be and whatever you do, don't talk to others about your situation. I would suggest that you select two very good friends and use them as a sounding board and come here too. The less information that finds it's way back to him the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
