Well I can't blame you for giving up doing some of those things when she constantly complained about it. However, she needed her hand called on it. I believe if a person is not called on their bad behavior then it breeds more bad behavior. Why would a person change if they are allowed to bulldoze their way through? What she wasn't seeing is how she didn't consider "your" feelings!
You are very much "male" in that you didn't see she was unhappy and she was very "female" in thinking that you should see beyond the surface. But, now you know it isn't working and you need to take a different approach.
I think you need to act as if you've had an awakening like the DR book talks about. But I do believe you need to stand up to her and call her out whenever she is rude and disrepectful. Don't retreat whenever she tries to take over. Stop her and calmly but firmly inform her that you are handling it and she can help or back off but she won't redo your work or take over. If she tries to take the dishes out (in your presence) then stop her and tell her you do not appreciate her doing that and it is rude. How would she like for you to come behind her and redo all of her work? If she does it when your back is turned....then more power to her. The point is not to get into a fight about it but use it as an opportunity to be the leader.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I also have to deal with her not acknowledging me at work in the mornings and through out the day. W would rather ignore me than be civil. That sucks big time. Oh, the wedding rings are off again but she's wearing my grandmothers wedding ring that I gave her. She's weird. Lost Dad.
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
My W has really ratcheted up the ignoring me bit today. We had a company barbecue at lunch and not once has she acknowledged me or replied to anything that I have said to her at lunch. Not even looked at me when I've talked to her. I think I should call her on this. I'm starting to get weird looks from some employees when we are together. Only the owners of the company know what is going on, not the employees below us since we are both project managers. She seems to be having a great time, laughing it up and all. Just a rough day today for me. -Lost Dad
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
The fact you have allowed her to get by with so much for so long will be hard to make a believer out of her. You need to get her undivided attention and cause her to understand you are not going to tolerate being disrespected at work like she is doing.
What kind of consequences could she suffer if she chose to treat you so shabbily? This is an example of what I am talking about her showing disrespect. Even the employees know she's not treating you right. It has to stop or you will never be anything more to her than a doormat.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W has really ratcheted up the ignoring me bit today. We had a company barbecue at lunch and not once has she acknowledged me or replied to anything that I have said to her at lunch. Not even looked at me when I've talked to her. I think I should call her on this. I'm starting to get weird looks from some employees when we are together. Only the owners of the company know what is going on, not the employees below us since we are both project managers. She seems to be having a great time, laughing it up and all. Just a rough day today for me. -Lost Dad
Interesting how her ignoring you has that effect on you, wonder what would happen if you did the same thing to her, she expects you to pursue her, look to her for attention, acknowledgement, etc. and it feeds her ego on this crazy power trip she has to ignore you, she's in control, this is all going her way and she loves it. Take away some of that pleasure she is receiving because you play her game like a good little boy, try ignoring her in the exact same way, before you say she will just love that, just do it and do it for 2 weeks straight, no excuses and watch her break the silence first and then you continue to do this until she gets the hint, you aren't anyone's fool to be toyed around with and disrespected - if you can't do this, be prepared to continue bitching and whining about how she doesn't acknowledge your presence or give you any attention.
Agreed Robx, I should have. Finally after lunch I caught her in the board room and told her I was going out to see one of our employee's band play tonight. I invited her (was that dumb? probably). She said no, not her thing. And said that it would be nice to talk sometime. I'm quite sure this will be the dreaded separation agreement talk. I can't do this yet. I've been riding the roller-coaster for a few weeks and right now I'm going down the hill. I have not reached the detachment phase yet and when I look into her eyes, all I see is who she was. Not good for being strong and keeping cool. I think I need medication to even the flow, the other things I'm doing are just barely keeping it under control. Again, this sucks. -Lost Dad
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
Yeah it sucks, but it will get better with time, Need to really start living life again, going out is great, next time just do it. You knew what the answer was going to be. Time to change, you should have been the life at that barbecue, not her. Throw a wrench in the workings of her plan, everyday you are confirming that her plans are spot on. One way to do it is to make her start wondering if you have quit trying, this is very powerful. Maybe stay out later than you would have, what would she care, just make sure you tell her, not to wait up or, it will be late, as you still have to show her respect, and then really go have a good time!
you agree to the talk, and this is what you say "you know this isn't working out, I get it you don't want to be with me anymore and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me plus you're just too disrespectful lately and I don't want that anymore, when do you think you can move out? We should probably sit down and discuss details of the separation, how we're going to handle the kids, I'm thinking joint custody, 1 week and weekend for me and then the same for you, alternating each week so that we both have joint shared EQUAL custody"
Man up LD. You can't do this, the roller coaster ride that, going down hill this, haven't reached detachment that.... seriously it's UBER unattractive, if you've been acting like this and I'm sure your body language has been showing this unattractive side if you're not out & out verbally acknowledging all this stuff with your wife.
Let's take a recap of the situation here: - your wife treats you like crap - seems like she's assertive, aggressive, bossy, disrespectful - she's probably been like this for a long time - you've probably been taking this crap behavior for a long time
What are you holding on to? You're holding on to a person who doesn't want to be with you. Look I get it, you love her, but if she can't reciprocate that love back to you because she doesn't want to or because she's interested in someone else (my guess), you are looking pathetic by holding on.
Let go, seriously you can force her to be with you. No amount of anti-depressants is going to fix this, so if you want my 0.02 cents, deal with it, its hard at first but you will be ok, trust me.
You right now have a bigger responsibility at stake, you need to be a strong man for yourself first and for your children second. You can't be this broken person and mope around and take drugs to make you feel betters and all that crap, you have to dig down deep, and find that strength and courage that exists in all of us but it exists in areas where we're scared to go because we need to be pushed past our comfort zones to realize and actualize that hidden potential but it's there, you just have to be brave enough to go get it.
Say you're overweight, you weigh 400lbs. for example. Working out is going to be tough. Dieting is going to be tough. It sucks to work out everyday and it sucks to feel hungry everyday because to lose weight and do it properly you have to count calories, you have to restrict yourself, you have to force your body to use up it's stored body fat and you do that by working out hard and eating alot less. So it's really hard and the reality is you have to do it for a really long time to get back into shape and so far I haven't made any of this sound great or appealing.
But that's the beauty of it, that's the appeal of it. It's tough, when all is said and done and you've lost all the weight and you invested all those hours, days, weeks, months, years into getting into the best shape of your life and seeing your abs again, that's the victory. Of course it was hard, it had to be, anything really worth doing is usually freakin' difficult and it involves doing things that we don't want to do but when you're done and you reached your goal, you're proud of yourself, look at what you accomplished against all odds, you did it.
DB'ing is similar, you have to do the things that are hard, that are uncomfortable, that suck, that are counter-intuitive, you have to act as if, you have to move on, you have to do 180's which means doing things you normally don't do, you have to get a life, you have to show your wayward spouse that if they don't want you anymore, fine, its regrettable that it got to this point but you will be fine, hold that, better than fine, you will be f!@#$%* awesome and it will be there loss and that's the truth, it will be there loss and that's when they'll have their epiphany, that's when they'll say, "I made a mistake, what the hell did I do?!" and then you'll be the one deciding if you want to take this flaky person back into your life because you have really high standards and apparently they don't meet those standards yet, you get to be picky with who you share your life with because YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO!
Are you feeling me bro? I hope so, I hate wasting my breath on people who don't listen.
Robx, ok,I got it. Sometimes the hit with the 2x4 brings us to our senses. I'm going to print out what you wrote here and carry it with me as a reminder. We'll see how the weekend goes. Thanks, man. Lost Dad.
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
