Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

Sandi2,

You are right with what you said in you post. I am trying to that in the R. I come here to let it out sometimes, and it comes out too strong. There are just a lot of stressers, and I do feel powerless to change anything in my situation. I am just frustrated, and it comes out whiny I know. I will keep my self as strong as possible when I confront her or how I deal with her. I will not to get too out of control in my responses here. I let the pressure get to me with everything else that is going on in addition to my M.

Thanks for keeping me focused on myself everyone!

[LSG]

I am just sitting here reading through some threads trying to make sense of my sitch. I am a lot better since yesterday. I spent a nice day with the kiddies, and they had a great time as did I. I made sphagetti and meatballs and bought some ice-cream at Baskin Robbins. Wife says she had a going a way party for a co-worker, so I said okay. I am sure it is with the OM. I am very at piece having time to myself since kiddies are asleep. I am glad that my daughter will have a friend over tomorrow, so I do not have to deal with the moody, disrespectful wife. I may not necessarily do much or have a life outside the home, but I am finding things that keep me happy again, and I did not worry about her too much tonight. It felt good. I still have my moments, but I really needed some piece-of-mind tonight. I really do not want to see her because it will just bring negative feelings to me. I do want my M, so is it weird to feel this way? I guess a break from the stress is helpful.

[sandi2]

It is better to let your frustrations out here on the board, but I want you to understand that you are a man and don't lose sight of the role you have in life. You don't swap roles with her and become a female in the deal. I love being a woman, but I don't like seeing those qualities in men--so that is why I call it out when it comes through in a stitch. The stronger you get while you're here....it will show in your writing. Don't pretend, but do work on it, okay?

I understand bad moods. I use to be the queen of bad moods. But whenever her bad moods are directed at you.....call her out on it. She will never try to control her moods/behavior as long as she is allowed to pour it on you. See what I mean? My good natured H would endure my b*thchy behavior and I just kept on getting worse. Hey, I know who I can mistreat and who I can't. I know who will put up with it and who will lower the boom on me if I push them. So does your W and she will not respect you one bit as long as you are having "patients" with her. You are not doing her any favors when she is just acting in a bad mood for no reason. Bet she doesn't act like that with OM. She only lets him see her at her best!

The first thing for you to work at is self-respect and getting respect from her.

[LSG]

Hi sandie2,

You post is all good advice and makes sense. I have been doing my best to gain respect and be given respect. It is harder to do once it is lost. Does gaining respect mean fighting because I had my fair share of those this weekend. I have tried to avoid them, but I am having a harder time of just being "quiet" about our situation or accepting of her behavior. I have been sticking up for myself and discussing our problems with her making threats that I have seen cause some concern for her when she was so sure of what would happen if we divorce. She said, "she would have to check to make sure with her attorney." I told her be confident because you are going to need it if you decide to fight for divorce instead of our marriage. Some of Steve's words. Thanks Steve!

When I told her "no" to something and did not back down, she did call to let me know why she went out and if I needed anything. I never wavered from my decision or did I back down.

Is that what you mean when you say I need to gain my self respect back. Please let me know with some ways to do that. I am not being walked on anymore as much. I do still choose my battles which will not be the case when I have done some exposing and putting boundaries whether she likes it or not.

I do appreciate your honest comements.

[sandi2]

This is the way I see it. A man needs to keep cool but not accept bad behavior and/or disrespect from his W and children. Whenever you get into a verbal fight with her, then you lose control and give her power over you. This is true with fighting with anyone.

You need to set boundaries for everyone around you. Your W, children, coworkers, friends, relatives, etc. Of course, boundaries aren't much good unless there are consequenses to breaking a boundary. For example, I told my teenager that he could not use his cell phone after 11:00 pm and then I discovered he was TM and tried to say it wasn't the same as talking......I would cut off his phone account. However, getting into a verbal fight would put me on the level of a teenager instead of showing my role of a parent.

If you have a friend who disrespects you, then you probably discontinue the friendship. There are many examples we could use. Your W must respect boundaries in the M or she will bully you and will never be attracted to you. You have to decide what are the things you cannot or will not tolerate from her. You have to know what the results/consequences would be if she did not respect those boundaries. Just as with my teenager, if I told him again that I did not want him to use his phone after 11:00 and do nothing about the fact he had already broke the boundary he will not pay any attention to the second time around. Women are the same way. If you just "talk" but show no action (consequenses) then they won't believe you mean what you say and thus the disrespect. There is a difference in ultimatims and boundaries and you can read the thread under Newcomers about boundaries.

When you speak to your W about a matter where she is showing bad behavior, disrespect, etc., you need to speak firm but keep your voice lowered. That will help you keep control. Do not get into a sermon about her behavior. You speak the boundary and that you cannot live in a R with that and then separate yourself from the scene. If you get into a "dicussion" with her, it will turn into a fight. She will be angry when you turn to walk away, but you are in charge and have taken the power of a fight away from her. Don't be afraid of her anger. If she comes at you with, "What do you mean?" you can just give her a look of "she know and you shouldn't have to explain". Don't start explaining b/c it will turn into a fight. She know good & well what she's doing.

A woman shows her lack of respect for her H by the tone of voice she uses, the expression on her face when she looks at him or when he is speaking, and her over behavior around him. For example, if she says unkind things to her H when they are with other people....that is awful disrespect. What would a consequense be for a woman who would do such a thing? Well, each H must decide what is the best consequence in that situation.

Sticking to a decision (like telling her "no") is a wonderful way to begin to restore you respect. Always stick to a decision (unless you are convinced that you made a mistake) and do not be wishy-washy. Your family may not like your decision but they will respect it.

This is the fact men must understand about women. It is not your job to always do what your W wants.....it is your job to enforce what is the right thing and what you believe is the best decision. When the two of you can agree upon a decision then that's great. That is a partnership,but there are times that the H must take the role of leadership and say "no". As the old saying goes, "She can get glad in the same rags that she got mad". You have to just go on like you are fine and not affected by her anger or outrage. As long as she can control her environmen with her bad behavior then why would she change. We don't reward children for bad behavior so why would you reward an adult?

Showing that you will not be led around by the nose is showing her self-confidence and that is very attractive. Yes, it will be much harder now for you to regain respect from her,but it will not be impossible. In fact, it may not take near as long as you think. You just have to pass some tests that she will give you. Saying "no" was one of them....and she showed some positive by phoning you, right?

Choosing battles is important, but when getting respect from your W you have to be consistant. In other words, don't let her take her bad mood out on you tday but then call her hand on it tomorrow. You know your W better than anyone and I bet you know when understanding needs to come into play and when you need to speak up. You calmly say, "I do not appreciate you speaking to me with that tone of voice." That is how you can begin and if she continues later on in the day, you say it more firmly and make sure she is looking at you. If she isn't, tell her to look at you in your eyes b/c you want her to hear you.....then say, "I will not be spoken to in that way. You are very valuable to me but I won't be dishonored in my home from you or anyone else." Then turn and walk away. If she comes after you to fight, tell her you will not enter into a verbal battle with her and if you have to....leave the house.

She needs to know that you have had an awakening and have re-evaluated your life. You show her this by the decisions you make and by your own calm behavior. BTW, being calm is not being passive!

If she tells you something to do that sounds as if she is ordering you around or talking to one of the kids, you get in front of her and look her in the eyes and say, "W, I am not your child nor your employee. In the future you ask me in a manner that shows respect or you can find somebody else to do what you need done." Again, you say it firmly but calmly.

You will begin to feel much better about yourself once you instill some respectful behavior patterns around your home.

[LSG]

I think I blew it today. My wife said she was going to see a friend, and the kids said they wanted to say "hi," so I said I would walk with her to meet her friend and let the kids say "hi." We walked for a long ways until the kids became tired. She never received and call from her friend, and I think she was going to meet the OM. We did take a bus back home. Wife did not get off the elevator and went back to the car and left for 5 hours. I guess I should have just let her go without causing problems, but I am so sick of her lying and cheating. It is just a real difficult situation. I am not doing what I am suppose. She said she wants a divorce, and I do not know if she will or not. She said she just had to think, but I do not believe her for a second. Just had to get out my thoughts.

Thanks Sandie2. I guess I am not real good at DBing. I was mad about her coming home at 2:30 am with out a call this weekend on Saturday.

I have to do something. I am not going to just put up with this. I am going to read about boundaries tonight.

[LSG]

I am planning on exposing the infedility to the OMW next week. How should I go about this? How have the results been from doing this for both Spouse and other person's spouse for other members on DB? What should I expect from the people connected to the affair?

Is it worth it to do?

Please let me know your stories, so I at least know the pros and cons.

Thanks

[LSG]

A couple of weeks ago, I put a stop to my wife's text messaging and blocked the OM numbers, and I further changed all the codes since the account is in my name. She asked me to put her on the account which I told her "no" the other day. She asked me again tonight, and I just simply ignored her. I will not change this. She said, "she will get her own plan." That is okay with me, but we do not have the money as it is for our current bills. If she has the money she can do it. She also wanted to see the bills which I have never stopped her. She checked while I quietly played a game of Solitaire. I have nothing to hide. Most of the money is spent by her when I tell her we cannot afford it. I simply asked if she had any questions when she was finished, and she said "no". It was a little unnerving, but I did not let her bother me too much. I have had it since yesterday. She is just too rude to even bother with when she is like this. She leaves her dishes in the sink and does not say thank you. She is so self righteous that it makes want to "puke." She disgusts me after leaving yesterday without so much as a good-bye to me or the kids. I still want the marriage, but I do not want a wife that is so uncaring and callous. I don't know what she hoped to find. We have very little money, but she has money from her parents, and goes out to lunch everyday, and buys shirts and hats for the kids. She takes them to miniature golf from this money. It is like she is trying to buy their love. I have been telling her for a while we need to budget, but she has not cared until now. How great is that! What a great woman. I tell you! I am just doing my own thing. I do not GAL because the kids are more important. She does not get home early enough to anyways. I find solace in TV, the computer, and most of all the kids. I do not listen to what she says or pay attention less to what she does. It is just irritating to have her have an attitude with me. I have a phone interview this Wednesday, and I am very excited.

Wish me luck!!! I want a job so bad. It will help me a lot I am sure for myself in this situation. I need something if she divorces me.

She arrived to work at 8:00 am, and I picked her up at 7:15 pm. She had dinner and we took the kids for a walk. She was with my son, and I was with my daughter on opposite sides for the street because she wants it that way. It so upsets my daughter. My daughter is becoming very disrespectful to her. It is so sad. I told her to apologize. It is hard on everyone, but my wife just ignores her more and more and everyone for that matter. What has happened to her I don't know. She is definitely an "alien" to me. I do not love this woman that is with us now. That so sad too. She is more interested in work and the OM. It is unbelievable to me!!! Enough for now.

I just have to take it day by day and stand by my convictions! Not much of a plan.

[LSG]

I do keep wondering when the divorce papers will come! It worries me some! How goes the script for cheaters with this? Any clues?

[LSG]

Hi Everyone,

I have only thoughts about this job at the moment, but I am worried that out of desparation I will blow it. I need this so bad for me and the kids. If it helps my M great, but this is for me. I am worried that I will take the interview personal or do anything it takes for them to hire me. I know I am capable of doing this job in my sleep and still have time for a nap. I just need to be prepared for D at all time. I know it sounds like I am whining. I just know so much is at stake in my life and my kids. It is funny to me to leave her out of the future I see more and more even all I want is her in my future, but she cannot have me an affair too. Something needs to give, and it may be me. I do want the kids with me and that matters more at the moment than anything. She has not been there for them the way I always have been and will be. I don't want to cut her out, but I want them to have a parent that will never think twice about putting someone else before them. I am going on and on, but I feel happy and worried at the same time because I don't remember wanting something so bad in the longest time. The job is not that great, but it will help me for my life. This is about me.

I do not want to go all crazy at the telling them to hire me because I need this so bad, and I can do it too. I not want to be reserved either. I wish they knew how bad I need this job. I can do it too.

Just letting out some of thoughts to gain perspective.

Enough for me tonight!