Yup, that's the best angle to take... even in conversations with him "This is more trouble for US, but LESS trouble for the kids" etc...
If he refuses then its obvious he is willing to allow his children to be inconvenienced just so he maintains his comfortable living... and if others are there to see him take that position it just exposes his behaviour all the more...
I suspect if its addressed with too many people there he will criticize you in private for bullying him...
well, he does the same thing... just tell him "this is MORE inconveient for ME, but it IS better for these kids"
I presented the living arrangement idea to my H last night. I did it very business like and pointed out the kids and finincial benefit. When I said it's what's best for the kids, he said "What about me". I was shocked that even came out of his mouth. This is not the same man I knew 6 months ago. I stayed very calm and continued to explain the idea and then I left the room, put the kids to bed, and left. As I was leaving, he looked very depressed and down and I just went on my marry way with a smile on my face.
I kinda of knew ahead of time that was going to be his reaction. He is a negative sponge and nothing I say to him comes accross as positive in his mind. Of course I now realize that, and no longer obsess about what I might have said wrong. It's all about me and my kids for me right now. He did say we just need to get D as soon as possible and move on. I said to him "Sorry you feel that way, you know how I feel about D. You need to do whatever you think is the best decision for yourself and what will make you happy" He didn't reply and just hung his head low. I think he is more depressed than me!!!!
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
"Sorry you feel that way, you know how I feel about D. You need to do whatever you think is the best decision for yourself and what will make you happy"
This is not the case really...
He needs to do whatever he thinks is the best decision for EVERYONE and what will make EVERYONE most happy.. just like YOU.
I wish I could give credit but there is a poster on this forum that uses the signature text
Whatever is best for my kids is best for me
I really think that should be your husband's position AND yours.
When you tell him he just has to make HIMSELF happy you enable his selfishness I am afraid...
He needs to get into his head that this isnt' just HIM, his actions affect an WHOLE FAMILY.
Let me think on a better way to phrase what you tell him... I can see what you are trying to do, but I am afraid this may be sending the wrong message.
You controlled yoruself perfectly though!
Yes he may be more depressed than you, OR he's just not managing it as well... I DO think you are in mroe pain, but I think you are learning how to work with it constructively... he hasn't... all he knwos how to do is fight and mope... which isn't construtive.
Allen, I did think of that after I said it. I wished I would have said everyone or kids or family. Other than that statement, I think I got my point accross that a D will be his decision and not mine.I hate that he is pushing it so fast. However, I now understand more that it is a piece of paper, and some day he'll realize that it won't end his pain.
Yes, I would love some advice on how to word this next time I have an chance to say something like this.
When I was telling my friend about last nights convo with my H. She said "He want's his freedom, and he wants it yesterday". I think she hit it right on the money.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
When I was telling my friend about last nights convo with my H. She said "He want's his freedom, and he wants it yesterday". I think she hit it right on the money.
Everyone wants to be free from the pressures of life, but Divorce is NOT going to do that.
Alimony Child Support Part Time Parenting Negotiating Schedules with x-wife Losing friends and/or family who shame him Household maintenance Insurance and other finances
He has to deal with these things if he divorces AND he still has to deal with
Work Balancing a chequebook Rent Health care
Divorcing does not take away life's challenges, it just adds more for the most part.
The freedom he wants left when he turned 21 and became a legal adult... And despite how he feels right now, divorce is NOT going to make him seventeen again.
"Sorry you feel that way, you know how I feel about D. You need to do whatever you think is the best decision for yourself and what will make you happy"
change to
"YOU may feel that way, yes, I don't doubt it. You and I are parents, WE need to do whatever is the best for these children and what will give them the best life they can have. What's best for these kids is what we need to work for."
Notes :
I took out the sorry, I saw no need to sympathize with selfishness
I removed the happy and changed for "best life". I find during infidelity people confuse true happiness with unhealthy excitement and sheer adrenaline
You can keep playing with it until you have something that sends the right message
I agree. But that is how he is acting. All family and friends tell me that he will regret it and be miserable. I didn't believe that at first. For as much as he was going to the bars, and hanging out with old friends plus OW. I took it as he was enjoying himself. Which I'm sure he was to some extent but at first I was pursing and begging. But now I realize, that one day he will miss me, and at our age, that kind of freedom is not worth it.
I am feeling a little down tongight, probably because of the weekend and nothing to do. But I have no desire to call or text him or check-up on him, which has been freedom for me.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Allen, Thanks I really like the way you worded it so much better than I did. I will write it down and practice it so I have it my head next time I have the chance to say it. Which I'm sure I will.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
