Doc, Naej, and DB Friends, I've decided to not panic about my W's sleeping at her dance friend's place weekly, and will change my approach. In the past I would have moved into the guest bedroom, reduced my contact with my W, and put more effort into GAL. I've decided (thanks Naej, Doc, Jak, and Matilda) to hold my ground, tolerate the uncertainty, and slept last night in the main bedroom. My W returned from a night out dancing, and slept next to me and cuddled.
We had a good lesson and last night at the Hustle Formation group. The new moves are so cool and fun. My W and I are talking about how to dress for the performance. I may look for some white pants, and a 70's type shirt.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
AAAAAAAH John Travolta and Saturday Night Fever Brings back memories.
Good for you Cl for holding your Ground and remaining in the bedroom but, you still should find your way to talk to your wife about her sleeping elsewhere. Or I wonder if you are able to get to a point where you feel comfortable with intimacy with your wife if the sleeping elsewhere would just stop. I guess I am wondering if she is feeling rejected or undesired by you and is seeking affirmation that she is desirable somewhere else hence her secret phrase.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I agree with Jo Jo, and just wondering what message you are giving your wife by remaining silent yet still sleeping and cuddling together after she has spent the night elsewhere. There is avoiding conflict and then there is being taken for granted and a mug! I see you are doing it differently by remaining in the bedroom, but its a tweak not a 180, sorry jmo. Found your secret for dancing yet.
Jak, Sex is such a charged issue. I'm going to have to think about how to approach it differently. My reaction is performance anxiety, and that my W will take it personally. It's hard to feel sexual with so much pressure. I'm looking to my W to change, but I suppose I need to find a way to manage my own anxiety, and to not be avoidant around this issue.
I don't see us talking about this issue in a constructive manner. I'm going to have to change my approach in a way that helps to move us forward.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, Naej, and DB Friends, I've decided to not panic about my W's sleeping at her dance friend's place weekly, and will change my approach. In the past I would have moved into the guest bedroom, reduced my contact with my W, and put more effort into GAL. I've decided (thanks Naej, Doc, Jak, and Matilda) to hold my ground, tolerate the uncertainty, and slept last night in the main bedroom. My W returned from a night out dancing, and slept next to me and cuddled.
We had a good lesson and last night at the Hustle Formation group. The new moves are so cool and fun. My W and I are talking about how to dress for the performance. I may look for some white pants, and a 70's type shirt.
CL
Good start Cl. Baby steps buddy
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, Thanks for the encouragement. I do think small steps can eventually lead to major changes.
My W and I spent the day together. It was a beautiful spring day. We started off with a dance lesson. My W is enjoying her developing relationship with her dance teacher. She said that her years of instruction are beginning to come together. I had a lesson with a lady dance teacher. She worked on me being more expressive with my body. She also wants me to have more of a presence when I lead. She said that I seem to know dance concepts but need to learn how to translate that into body movement. I hope she can teach me. I'm going to schedule some private lessons with her.
My W and I went to breakfast. She decided that instead of taking a nap, she wanted to take our dog to the dog park. She's been watching a dog training show on television, and wanted to practice her techniques. I let her be in charge. The dog does respond well to my W's leadership. My W made a comment during the day, that she needs to be in charge of something.
When we came home we practiced our dance routine, and tried to incorporate the day's lessons. She notice that I took my routine to a higher level. She said that I was beginning to look like John Travolta.
We decided to try a dance venue that our instructor's recommend. It's a jazz lounge that offers dancing. I had forgotten the difficulties we have when just my W and I go dancing. I want to enjoy myself, and she turns it into a ballroom boot camp. She kept barking feedback at me to correct this and that, which is fine when we're practicing, but not on a Saturday night. She got angry that I wasn't responding to her feedback, which led to another long car ride home. She threatened to find a dance partner who is serious like she is, and aspires to the level she does. She said that I don't appreciate her as a partner.
All of a sudden she is having this ballroom awakening. She was absent all of last year, when I went to my own lessons. Even at our new studio, I would go to lessons myself. Her primary involvement has been her own private lessons, until the Hustle Formation team. Things are percolating with our dance relationhip, so we'll see how that evolves.
She's been helping her dance friend try to reconcile with his girlfriend. They apparently spent four hours on the phone and are patching things up. He needs a life of his own, and for his house to sell, so that he can move on.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
DB Friends, My W was upset with me most of Sunday, during our cooking day. She was stressed, as she feels behind in housecleaning, and is fighting a UTI. We made it thru the cooking day effeciently and finished at a reasonable time.
She told me that her feelings were hurt on Saturday night, and that I was mean to her. She doesn't factor in how her actions affect others. I refrained from apologizing, because I didn't say anything mean to her, though I was irritated with her criticism. She complains that I go ballroom dancing weekly, and practice with a crowd that is probably 2/3 casual social dancers.
I think the problem to solve is how to move the dance relationship forward into a ballroom partnership. We've established a Salsa partnership. I told her that if she's willing to practice ballroom with me, I don't have to go to my weekday ballroom venue every week. I can give her first priority, and see how that goes. If she wants me to proceed more quickly in ballroom, she would be wise to assist me.
Our Hustle Formation partnership is going well. She told me the other day, that I'm looking more like John Travolta. My dance teacher told me recently, that she thinks there's a dancer inside of me wanting to come out. I'm so glad that I told my W about this dance team, and reluctantly agreed to do it. I've stretched myself, already in just three weeks.
My W is planning on setting a quit date for smoking cessation. She told me to remind her, if she hasn't started in several weeks.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]She also wants me to have more of a presence when I lead.[quote]
Just a thought but maybe she is looking for you to lead else where also. Maybe if you are able to somehow manage your anxiety re-guarding intimacy she will follow your lead. I understand that you feel pressure, I am thinking W does also. JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 03/31/1003:56 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
