I'm worried that if she does move out, you will not handle it well. You are completely consumed with how SHE's feeling and acting; what about you? What are YOU feeling? How will you live a life without her in the house? It's quite possible she's putting things in place in preparation for leaving. You cannot stop her; but you can change you. You are certainly doing better in your interactions with your wife; but are you REALLY prepared to be by yourself? You have to get yourself in a healthy position to be able to weather a separation should that happen.
You are right. I don't think I will handle it well. How do I start to prepare myself for the possibility for her departure without giving the impression that I too want it to be over?? I will say I have done better recently reacting to her when she says she is leaving. I use to beg, then I would get upset and now I just ignore it even though it does get to me.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
OIN, has your wife DONE ANYTHING to indicate she would be moving out? I know you HEAR it a lot, but I am thinknig this is just wayward script talking...
You are right. I don't think I will handle it well. How do I start to prepare myself for the possibility for her departure without giving the impression that I too want it to be over?? I will say I have done better recently reacting to her when she says she is leaving. I use to beg, then I would get upset and now I just ignore it even though it does get to me.
The best (only?) way I've seen it done around here is to adopt SmileyPerson's "Consider yourself already dead" (Band of Brothers) outlook. Maybe Coach's slightly-more-optimistic "Stockdale Paradox" but nothing more optimistic or hopeful than that.
In my experience, when you START from a basis of "he/she's cheating on me; this marriage is, for all intents and purposes, already dead," and then try to resuscitate it, you'll have more success.
OIN, you need to act as if she is STAYING..she may not leave; Allen is right, until she makes a move physically; she's still in your house.
I don't want to see you outwardly prepare for her departure, SPECIFICALLY... I want you to get to a better place..emotionally, physically, mentally..that means working on YOU and don't keep worrying if she's back in the R...or if she's leaving...
Cause if she does (and you can't control that), I'm worried about you and your health. Read DR again; one of the tools is GAL, finding what is YOU and returning to it. You sound a lot like I was in my M; my M was my identity. I had lost myself in it. When my W left...I was in shock...I wasn't prepared to be alone...and even if we don't like it; a lot of waywards do walk...mine did.
You are in a good position, however. It appears you have thwarted a possible PA and certainly an EA in its early stages. You are in an enviable position in that you have gotten to DB in the early stages of this marital crisis. Many don't come to DB until it's too late. However, you need to really get healthy and your W WILL notice. That will help attract her back to you. All of the advice you have gotten will help.
Again, I'm concerned about your own mental state of mind. She can sense any negativity; trust me and that's NOT attractive.
Work on yourself OIN and keep a check on the fire at her work. and I stress WORK ON YOURSELF as well!!!
Allen, Here is the deal. My W father is in the process of getting my W grandmothers home switched over to his name. He is currently doing work on the house. The plan is for him to move in and live downstairs and rent out the upper apartment. My W has told me since the start she was going to move out once that apartment is ready but because it is not ready yet she would co-exist with me until then.
Besides words the only other indication that she would be moving out is she told her father that she would be moving in with him. I heard he say it to him and I read a text message she sent her father.
Up till today it had been two weeks since she mentioned leaving and even then it was not in those words it was implied.
She is not nasty when she says it anymore. It sounds more sincere.
She is not packing if that is what you mean. On the other hand she is not doing much to maintain the household besides contribute to paying the bills. She leaves a mess, I clean it up because she won't.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
You know...let me be honest with you. I said something to her that I should not had is was heavy pursuit which may have prompt her to say these things today. I said to her "you know we need to go get a new bedroom set, want to go look?" She said "I don't feel like looking" I asked what she meant by that she said "well its really what you want" meaning 'I won't be here so it don't matter' then I realized what I just had done and went and sat down then she said that about the insurance
Also I had gone upstairs and was up there for sometime and shortly after my last post my W comes up stairs and starts to clean....odd after I just made that post. I heard her in the other room and she must had come cross a card she card for me shortly after our marriage in october. The card plays music and the whole song did play which means she did read the card. Her words in the card were how happy she is to be married to me and that she will always be mine... Could this hurt? It was by chance she came cross it.
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 03/26/1007:11 PM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I spoke with him on this matter. He said it is up to her and me to work it out. He said to take it one day at a time. He said to the both of us to be honest and communicate with each other. At the time I told her father I was getting mixed signals from her. He said....
"It is tough when one person wants it and the other does not" "Both of you have to do what makes you happy" "Look at me and her mom we are both happier in our lives right now after divorcing"
But her parents situation is way different than ours but he made that comparison. He wants what is best for his daughter and if she is telling him how stressed she is ect then he is going to want her out the situation.
I made a post not too long ago about a situation that occurred when we visited her father and how it was one of the worst days ever in our relationship.
I will say that a few weeks back everytime she brought up her father fixing the house up she would take the opportunity to tell me she was leaving. But last couple weeks she would bring up the house but not say anything about leaving. I am confused....
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I will say that a few weeks back everytime she brought up her father fixing the house up she would take the opportunity to tell me she was leaving. But last couple weeks she would bring up the house but not say anything about leaving. I am confused....
This is why you really need to start working on yourself. DETACH...DETACH...DETACH..
or you're going to be a basket case if she leaves...
Quit worrying about what she's going to do; because she's going to do whatever she wants and you cannot control her decision. You CAN however change you and that may sway her decision.
