how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i probably will tomorrow. i know he's got a portfolio review for a potential teaching job tomorrow morning and i was just going to text him and say good luck.

i did email him earlier in the week or last week (i forget!) and said something along the lines of how many times i wanted to text or call but i didn't...he responded by saying the same thing. but he said he was trying to force himself to put some distance between us. i think he feels it will be easier to move on and heal that way?

i will see him on sunday, but that feels like ages away. unfortunately, i have to ask him for almost $400 to help me pay my taxes (i cashed a lottery check in my name that he won last year, so he's already agreed to help me pay the taxes on it) and i'm just not looking forward to asking him about money during our time together.

you know, there were a lot of things that were very wrong with our M. i've spent the last few nights thinking about those things and how i was often unhappy or alone in our M. maybe i will take some more time over the weekend and think longer about those things - because some of them are just the result of who my H is and who he'll always be. he tends to put himself first, he's always antsy to be somewhere else, and sometimes that means that i end up doing a lot of things on my own or for myself.

i was also looking through my photo albums on FB. sadly, i don't have a whole lot of photos of my H and i (or even just my H in general) in the 20 plus albums on my page. i can easily say i have 5 times more photos of my family members (my mom, dad and sister) than i do of my H.

so...i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying to realistically look back at our 5 year R and see what it is that i would really be missing if we do end up filing for D. i do love my man with all my heart, but he has put me through a lot in the first 2 years of our marriage...although i'm not even sure he's willing to give "us" a chance at this point. i honestly think he feels like he can't work on himself AND work on our M at the same time.

i don't know what to say to him in response to that...do i have to lose my H because he can't grow up and grow with me at the same time??