Chatter- just peaked at your posts. Your from Canada, same as OTMT? Usually like to keep myself super anonymous but will state that I live on a border town. By one of the natural wonders of the world, um, well the bigger city near by.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Duh, I should mention- border meaning I live on the US side.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Our divorce mediator & W made an appointment for tomorrow. I had told W I didn't see the need now that things are improving. She thinks it is good to do anyhow.
I pretty sure this will be a catch 22. If I keep to my musts, she'll get angry and more defensive. Likely, to prove her strength, she'll want to make some point to which I'll overreact in some way.
This is an example of why getting D off the table isn't so easy - she still isn't convinced that she wants to stay.
i thought you were the one who was unsure you wanted to stay? it wouldn't hurt to see the mediator, but i'm with you, it does seem unncessary if things are improving...
please keep us posted on how it goes.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i thought you were the one who was unsure you wanted to stay?
This is one thing I could never get through my head. She tells me that I'm the one leaving, but she keeps doing things like this. You know, she has now asked for a separation 7x in 3 months, 3x of which have been after I discovered love for her.
Does anyone think I should go into the mediation as I would if I wanted a D? If I thought she could love me without conditions, and take as an acceptable "loss" the fact we will continue to misunderstand each other from time to time, I would've reconciled already. I don't want to push myself further away (or her).
OTMT, This is where you stay strong. You stand up as a man and tell her you love her and are for the marriage. You are not giving up on "us". You state it with conviction over and over. If you have fear or hesitation or doubt- you do not show that to her.
I can think of a few scenarios- she is incredibly hurt, or feels incredibly hopeless, or feels that she has no choice, or it's a test to see if you show how much you do care for her, or she feels justified in making you suffer some since you have made her suffer.
Regardless, you have to take a solid, strong stance. Women want to love their man, they do. If you stand strong for a long time- I think she will choose to stay with you.
Or, your alternative? Just give up and wonder... wonder what if you had taken a stand. What if you had persisted despite doubts and fears. Courage is defined by how we act in the face of fear and doubt. Have the courage to face this battle.
You are strong- you can do this. You will not regret doing it.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Well...I went to the mediation expecting the worst. My words and actions last night were harsh and unpredictable. I was so mad that we were going to go through this step which, I judged, must mean that she is much more hopeless and unwilling to work. Hurt, probably, but also unwilling in the end to accept me with my faults.
Right away, our mediator become our MC and asked us for an update. I went through some admissions of guilt I guess for what has been a wedge, to which she got the idea of a six month attempt at both of us working in with our ICs. This in our 2 1/2 hour meeting!
We have 6 months that we've agreed to try hard to deal with three big outstanding issues/problems that drag us down and have made our M after Retrouv. a continued failure. In the 6 months, we've agreed to not talk about D, and "act as if" everything is improving. I know I've helped her to feel worthless, I know I really, really want to run away and get a fresh start with another woman who won't know my past. I know it. My W's acceptance of me for the 6 months, even with that limit, takes me past the barriers I've been living on to love her & be a husband, not just a provider.
There is a set of strings to evaluate our successes in 6 months, but until then, everything is about making it work!
On the way home, we agreed on a sort-of compromise to get rid of this memory filled house and take advantage of the low interest rates to get something better. This compromise came in (I hope) our last hypothetical 'if we divorced' discussion, where we talked about how to buy a house when there are some strings still left over.
Not a complete reconcilliation, but a big step. I'm now left with one last decision to do right away. Am I ready to repeal the decision to divorce when I still harbour a lot of fears? She committed to not talking separation for 6 months, but I have so many "what ifs" in my head that I need to sort through.
I feel very ready to reconcile. I really want to run out and buy flowers, call my cousin to babysit for a few hours, and have a romantic night out with her to make it real. I just need to put my full heart into - and I'm almost there. Just got to be sure that I'm not committing on emotion alone. We have major miscommunication problems and along with our own issues, the hurdles do need to be passed. 6 months seems so long, and also like so little time.
June & many others - thanks so much for sticking by and reminding me of how she may be seeing this whole thing. I've felt this positive before, but today I feel I have a stronger committment from both her and I.
Yes, I think the biggest insight is to realize that what another person feels and thinks is legitimate and valid. A point that took me forever to learn. SO if someone genuinely feels wrongs then I have to take the necessary steps to repairs and reconcile that.
I like the fresh start, new house approach.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
