i've blamed my ILs for being horrible parents and raising their children to be dependent on them for life. but the children are also adults now shouldn't they be responsible for their own actions and decisions? so who is to blame here? the parents or the children (who eventually become our h or w)?
I think both sides are responsible....the parents and the adult child. In some cases with the mothers, I believe they have no other life except for their kids and they are so possessive that they won't turn them lose. I also believe there are some mothers who find it very hard to see themselves as "replaced" (as they think of it) by the DIL. Of course, no parent is replaced but there should be a new position opened for the W.....and MIL should not take that position.
I believe the adult child should be able to step away from his/her parent and be responsible for his/her own family. Once the adult child is financially indebted to the parents....then they feel obligated to them forever.
If I had not had a child as soon as I did, I probably would have walked away. I'm not telling you to do this, but I recognize a serious problem. If you have a H who is chosing his parents over you.....and they are talking him into a D and finding someone "better", then you are going to have problems for the rest of your life....or theirs. Your H is allowing them to influence him way beyond reason.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i believe it's time to cut the apron strings as well. do i wait for his mother to kick the bucket? what's going to happen when both mother and father pass away? i can kind of understand when a woman clings to her parents. but a man clinging to his parents and having them fill most of his needs? like a friend of mine said "he must really like his right hand".
i just can't believe a grown man can be under such a dysfunctional spell. he was never like this when we were dating. but you know as soon as we got married, mil felt threatened because i was taking over all of the duties and not messing up. she kept sticking her hands in and trying to run my h's life.
to be honest, h can only stand her for a week. i think he just puts up with her. when she calls and babbles, he puts her on mute and watches tv. both of his parents act helpless to me, i've never met any two individuals who were so useless. they sure talk like they're all that but underneath they are a useless waste of skin.
This is just an extension of MWD's maturity principle...
She talks at length about a person in a relationship having the maturity to do what is needed to make a marriage thrive.
To her mind the maturity to Do this when you have the MOST obstacles facing you - your spouse is wayward, your spuose is cheating on you, you have cancer, etc is the most desirable quality in a mate. In short - Staying power.
THose with less maturity will run to a new mate (infidelity), run to their parents (mama's boys and daddy's girls), or they will simply run (flight risk)
In all three cases these three scenarios have that same thing in common... when the going gets tough, they RUN!
The thing is DFMIL, your husband once bereft of parents will simply find someone ELSE to run to... most likley infidelity will arise instead...
When things get difficult wtih YOU, they can't deal solo and run for support... if their parents aren't there they will go to someone else instead... another woman, etc
AND.. your H's parents passing WILL put a HUGE straign on your spouse too... so much that they may have an affair as a means to DEAL wtih the LOSS of the PARENTS...
Staying power is what's needed, if they can't find that, they are always going to be a flight risk
What was your parents' relationship like? Your placement in the family and relationship with your siblings growing up? How do you relate now with them and your parents? What was the source of the codependency you've already noted?
Also, when you say that the only person your H could depend on was you--didn't he have any friends? Did he already have a pattern of relationships which ended badly?
What changes would he need to make for you to take him back?
If you have a H who is chosing his parents over you.....and they are talking him into a D and finding someone "better", then you are going to have problems for the rest of your life....or theirs. Your H is allowing them to influence him way beyond reason
So, is this a solvable problem? (My situation is that my w has chosen her parents over me.) I feel like if I go "dark" or initiate "Plan B" it will have no effect because she's already chosen them over me. In Dumped's case and mine, maybe we have no leverage.
Maybe we just each married someone who was too immature for marriage and didn't realize it until too late--until we were deeply in love with them and had kids (in my case).
It sounds like these situations are solvable only if the spouse realizes it and makes changes. Otherwise it's a lifetime of parental control? I know 100% for sure that MIL and FIL are not going to change. Hell, they don't even recognize there's a problem. They believe they have a healthy and completely functional family.
Yea, but look at one reason why you're so Deeply in love w/ them...b/c they are unavailable and "checking out."
I'm not going to say that's the only reason...but it's a HUGE factor.
The point of DB-ing- ironic, b/c I only understand it now- is to save yourself first and formost...to make the changes you need to make for you...to be OK w/ or w/o the M.
That's what needs to be done- like they say counter-intuitive, but that's the name of the game.
You can DB your a$$ off and get nowhere...so long as you're still focused on the M and saving it- DB all you want, but you will still be the one in pain.
If you DB your a$$ off, w/ you coming first- you might get the same results, but will be FAR better off after the fact.
The loss you need to exact is TRUE loss...assuming you've tried addressing the issue, being the better option, etc...you can still be the better option w/ yourself coming first- GAL your a$$ off, detach, and be OK w/ whatever happens...
Any type of loss falling short of that, is contrite...no offense, and will not have the impact necessary to turn heads (which if done correctly, you won't even care about)
Yea, but look at one reason why you're so Deeply in love w/ them...b/c they are unavailable and "checking out."
I'm not going to say that's the only reason...but it's a HUGE factor.
Yep, you got that. When I was with w, I didn't appreciate what I had. When she's unavailable, I am suddenly "deeply in love." Of course I was before, but it seems to have a desperate edge to it now, that as you point out I need to get rid of by detachment.
I don't think detaching means falling out of love, does it? That's probably my fear. That's probably unfounded. I guess you can detach from being involved in the drama of a child's tantrum and maintain love for them.
