I know maybe I broke all rules...I did want to call h and ask about doing some repair stuff around the house..also told him he could have the queen bed, and I would get a smaller one..give me more room in bedroom..I wanted to tell him about the comment I made Fri about having sex.it has weighed on my mind how stupid I was to have said that.....anyways..I left a message..told him I did not know where it came from..except that I guess I still found him attractive..I know..maybe that was a pressure thing.but ya know what I have waited what seems like a long time to get his feelings out.well while I was gone he called back..told our s to have me call him..so I went up to bedroom and called..of course he started talking about the new floor I would like he and s to put down..and he said" so you want to give me the bed"..I said I only need a full size..figured it is still big enough for two!!I did not say that to him.. I said about the other part of message......to just forget it that you must think I was really stupid...he said"no, I did not think that"..I said I did not want it to drive you to never want to be with me or speak to me..he said,"no..it won't"..he was totaly cool about it..I told him I did not sleep all that great thinking about everything...he again said I did not have to do anything about anything next week..next month..or even 6 months from now..but to think about it...I said that I was so afraid of finances..he said he would always be sure that I had someplace to live....I said he did not have to do that..that most do not care..he said he is not like most people....we talked that to kkep the house would probably be cheaper than trying to rent an apt..but I said I dont' know if I want to stay here..he asked why and of course..I was crying and just said I don't know why..I did not say because so many happy memories with you..I said..do you want me to change everything ove r to jsut my name(bills.. joint chk act..) he said no I did not have to unless I wanted to.
We talked so freely..I commented how we have talked more in the past few days then all of our m..he was quiet, so I said do you think that..he said we have talked more and better this past year then before..he also there was no ulterior motive here for any of this..that there was no one else....he said "this is not a hate r..and it is not about you"..I said "when a person leaves a m..it usually is something about the sp..some reason the one leaving fels like they can't live together: he said again"it is not about you".....wtf does that mean..NO, I did not say that to him!!!
I see the fear that he is so high on life and the changes he has made that he does not want to risk it all back with me...I do feel the same in some ways..but I am willing to give it a try.
SO....major things have come out....a load again has been lifted for me......I believe that he is not trying to quickly dispose of our m and me....BUT what do I do from here..........any thoughts.....
Should I tell him that I am going to do my best to keep working on saving m???? That sounds like a "guess I did not make myself clear" on his part.....he seems to "sound" pretty sure that he does not want to try and save it...so how do I do it alone... Michelles books say only one can save it..should I keep working only on me...and hope that he sees there could still be a chance.. or should I keep working on me knowing and accepting that comes 6 months he will probably say "can we proceed legally"..........oh so many things to decide.
I know it has been long and rambly.......thank you to all who have popped over with hugs and kindness......
