Well I can't blame you for giving up doing some of those things when she constantly complained about it. However, she needed her hand called on it. I believe if a person is not called on their bad behavior then it breeds more bad behavior. Why would a person change if they are allowed to bulldoze their way through? What she wasn't seeing is how she didn't consider "your" feelings!
You are very much "male" in that you didn't see she was unhappy and she was very "female" in thinking that you should see beyond the surface. But, now you know it isn't working and you need to take a different approach.
I think you need to act as if you've had an awakening like the DR book talks about. But I do believe you need to stand up to her and call her out whenever she is rude and disrepectful. Don't retreat whenever she tries to take over. Stop her and calmly but firmly inform her that you are handling it and she can help or back off but she won't redo your work or take over. If she tries to take the dishes out (in your presence) then stop her and tell her you do not appreciate her doing that and it is rude. How would she like for you to come behind her and redo all of her work? If she does it when your back is turned....then more power to her. The point is not to get into a fight about it but use it as an opportunity to be the leader.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
