!Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

[stark648]

W came over---we had big argument because she was calling biological dad of d-15 to come get her and take her back to New York to live w/him.

She was way paranoid about me keeping her from seeing girls --I told her that was not the case. She thought I was going to sneaky-adopt d-15 from under bio-dad and keep W from seeing her or something. I corrected her on that and several other items.

We argued about a lot of stuff and I basically called her on her lies to herself and the kids about ditching them and several other things. She was telling me I was no saint, and I said I didn't break #7 on the big 10 commandments and nothing I ever did deserved or excused that. I told her I was not this evil person she was making me out to be. I said d-15 would run away from her bio_dad's house and was W trying to sentence her daughter to the life she had had when she was younger? Bio-dad would want d-15 only to baby-sit his alchy-wife and her wild kids.

She finally quit the tough and nasty attacks and admitted she was extremely depressed, upset, and paranoid Friday. I told her that didn't excuse the behavior towards the girls. She did give them an apology. I told her I was never keeping her from the girls, but if she was supposed to get them for a day, she needed to be responsible and follow through.

She ended up crying quite a lot and was not angry or
aggressive anymore---we had a pretty good talk. She admitted her low self-esteem and self-image, etc. is and has been the problem. I told her only God could heal her and she would have to get right with Him and persevere in a growing relationship with Him. I can't fix her, OM can't, her screwball therapist and her mother can't --and I told her she was listening to some evil influences inside and outside of herself.

I told her my therapist had been feeding me b-s about "doing for me", etc. and I told him the kids came first. We covered a lot and it was a really good discussion by the time we were done.

She said that for a long time she had thought I deserved somebody better than her. I told her I had never wanted anyone else and that I loved her through all the b-s over the years. She said she couldn't get past some of the treatment she had done to ME. I told her that was forgiven long ago and she needed to forgive herself(which she said she couldn't). I also told her the romantic side btw her and OM would change over time and that real love was a decision and a commitment. There was lots more, but this is long enough. I think it was good.
She said she had really noticed a lot of changes in me. she also asked me why I had never cried about her leaving. I said-would it have made a diff? I then asked her if she had to work tomorrow and told her she might call it 'controlling', but she needed to go home and sleep and we needed sleep also. She left and went home rather worn out, but we were on good terms, I suppose. I had no contact with her today, but I think she has a lot to think on, I don't know. She hasn't found her happiness w/OM and I think she's starting to seriously unravel. I didn't tell her to come back or anything, but earlier I had mentioned that I couldn't just "turn off" my love for her.-And she had paid me some compliments in there, as well.

[sandi2]

I don't know why men think a R talk always does the stitch good. Maybe b/c they just feel better. Anyway, you said what you wanted to tell her so my suggestion is to not give in to tempatation and tell her again.....thinking it will finally soak in. I'm not saying you did a bad thing, but I don't know that it did as much as you hoped. Men cannot fix their R with talks. It takes time and it takes "doing" more than the talks. And, when it's the WAW doing wrong.....it could come off as sounding preachy, so be careful in the future, okay?

So now that you have told her all of that, why don't the two of you agree to a visitation schedule and also agree that if a visit is missed, then have to wait until the next time so it won't keep things messed up. Otherwise, she is going to keep you and the girls' lives turned upside down. She is showing how unstable she truly is.

BTW, D-15 is smart and your W will not be able to lie her way out of much that D-15 doesn't catch on.

Your W's unstableness and lack of convidence.....plus being guilty of adultry.....is scaring her where D-15 is concerned. I bet somebody had told her she could lose D due to how she's living and that is why she's tried to get the biological father to get her. Just remain calm when W says things about bio dad and D and don't push your wait around if you get upset, b/c you could lose D-15 and it would terrible for both of you.

Keep posting, GAL, staying strong and loving your kids. Keep a good heart for the Lord.

[stark648]

She was afraid I was going to sneakily adopt d-15 and keep her from seeing her anymore, so she wanted bio-dad to 'hold' her until she could afford to raise her--(also to jack w/me and d-15). But she admitted she was paranoid and depressed.

She's bi-polar and depressed, and her therapist has told her she doesn't need meds. Meds seem to work for a while, then they don't.

I think she doesn't believe there is a chance for us, even if she wanted to fight for me. And she says I deserve better? Maybe she means someone that wants me sexually and/or someone not so screwed up...

I was trying not to R-talk, but I had to do that so she would know where I stand w/ d-15 and her seeing the girls. I also needed to bust the delusion I've become this vengeful monster.

She seemed very upset that I had never showed emotion about us divorcing.--more than once she has asked--I think she thinks I'm not really hurt, or ?.
Is there anything I should do or say?

I didn't really explain, I had just asked her if it would have made a difference...she said she didn't know, but she looked kinda wistful.

[sandi2]

You really have your plate full. Having a WAW is bad enough but to have one who is bipolar has got to be awful.

[stark648]

She also suffers from major depression. I think she's been in the 'mania' phase of the bi-polar deal, and now seems like she's coming 'down'.

When we spoke the other night, I had mentioned her screwball therapist was not smarter than those other doctors and that maybe she really did need to be medicated.(therapist had said 'no')

I think she took it to heart because I saw her bank showed where she got a perscription filled today. 'Course I don't know what it was for, could be the Wellbutrin which makes her horny and more manic.
Or could be birth control.(which would not be bad)

I'm hoping anti-depressant or birth control.(not wellbutrin)

I wish I hadn't mentioned it to her now, though. If she would have kept being depressed, paranoid, and screwy, she might have come home sooner.

On the other hand, the meds may help her through the fog some? A reality check?

The other anti-depressants reduce her sex drive and pleasure, so some of the thrill may dissipate a little.

Any experience with others in this area?

I am still GAL and dating--but so far I'm avoiding any sexual activities. If the relationship is heading that way, I distance myself.

I would really like to see my family restored, even now.

I'm having a hard time praising God 'through the storm', but I have to trust Him and His better judgement for my life.

[sandi2]

If she would have kept being depressed, paranoid, and screwy, she might have come home sooner.

But this is not the circumstances to have her come home. You want her home for all the right reasons....not b/c she's about to have a nervous breakdown.

I agree about her doctor, if she has bipolar she needs meds.

I'm having a hard time praising God 'through the storm', but I have to trust Him and His better judgement for my life.

I understand what you mean. I have been through a lot of things down through the years that I could not see how God would get any glory from that situation. I have learned that it is up to "us" to give Him the glory. In other words, we have the power, the decision, or the ability to learn from our circumstance and to become a better person b/c of it. If you can honestly pray that God will open your eyes to see what you can learn from all of this and how to apply it to you....it may go better for you.

[sandi2]

I think she doesn't believe there is a chance for us, even if she wanted to fight for me. And she says I deserve better?

I told my H he deserved somebody better, also. It was said during a time I was falling apart and feeling so bad about myself.

I have not dealt with bipolar on a personal level,but dealing with depression is bad enough. And, yes some of the AD meds will certainly affect the sex drive in a negative way. I don't know about reversing it. I would think from what little I know about bipolar, she would have to be on meds to have any balance in her life and for you all to have any sort of normal family life.

It is very difficult to reach a WAW in the fog--but being bipolar makes the chances seem more slim. That is why I believe she needs a doctor to help her. You could talk until you turn blue but it may not do any good. I'm just saying that it makes it more serious having the bipolar, IMHO.

[sandi2]

She seemed very upset that I had never showed emotion about us divorcing.--more than once she has asked--I think she thinks I'm not really hurt, or ?.

Do you mean you've showed no emotion over her leaving or the fact she wants to file for a D? Have you kept your feelings concealed? Has she thought that you did not show emotions toward her in the past?

[stark648]

I showed her plenty of emotions when we were together--

What she's talking about:

I did not cry during our discussions when she was telling me she was leaving and I did not seem hurt enough, I guess... I don't really know why (at first)-maybe some anger and frustration and pride, I don't know--seems more like denial or detachment for my sanity--I was hurting bad. I was upset and sad and fearful, but the tears didn't come out.--it was like shock.

Later, like when she picked up the motorcycle, I was being upbeat and trying to appear strong and 'together' to be attractive, etc.

That was one time (of a few) she said I never really fought for her--with tears in her eyes.

Maybe I've screwed up by not showing enough sorrow ?

I thought the begging, pursuing, crying, etc. was 'bad'--but she's kinda backwards on things anyway--what do you think?

[stark648]

I HAVE shown her how torn up I was (once in the middle of the mess), but I don't think she remembers that time, or she thinks I was just torn up about the divorce in general-- idk--at that time, she was wanting to hurry up and get the divorce finished to maybe make it easier on me--she was pretty wrapped up in OM then. I'm not as sure it's AS 'great', now.