She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

I was writing in my journal and decided to write it her so my DB friends can see.

Nothing has changed in my sitch other than we communicate less. I've been holding myself together fairly well for the most part, but of course i have bad days.

I still analyze what the W doing and what she is thinking or feeling. I know what I come up with may or may not be wrong. i still feel she hates me, doesn't miss me at all, and may even possibly have someone else waiting in the wings. For example, her email the other day. Was she trying to reaffirm her anger and unhappiness? Should I at least be happy that she wants to address these things?

I've also had time to analyze myself. I had thought I was the man I wanted to be, but I don't feel i am. I'm making steps to improve myself, but i find that as i improve some things, I'm also losing who i am. I'm no longer the fun loving, laughing, joking, fun to be around guy that I was. I know this all has to do with the way I'm handling things, and that's my doing.

I'm obviously not happy knowing my life as I knew it is over. I now have to re-prioritize and focus on new and different things.

I badly want things to work out between my w and i , but I have to somehow prepare for if they don't. I still love my W very much, but i don't like who she is right now. She seems to have completely detached from me, and I guess that's good for her.

It seems as though she no longer includes me in her life, and it still boggles my mind that she can s easily start treating me like this.

It also bothers me that she was capable of faking our last week together before i left. How much more of our marriage was faked by her? Did she even really fake that week, or is she once again just trying to hurt me?

I go home in two weeks and i have no idea what to expect. I'm happy, anxious, nervous, and sad. I'm feeling so many different emotions at the same time. I definitely want my W back, but not who she is now. Actually, I really don't mind the person she is now, just not the way she's acting towards me.

She's starting to act with a little more confidence and mojo, and i think it's great. That is the person I married, but she's never acted so hateful towards me.