Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

Did I mess up? I don't know. I am just worried if I do not have a job, or an attorney. What about the kids? I don't want lose them to her the way she is now.

Let me know what I should do now!

Any help right now please! I need to stay strong, but it is awfully hard when I don't know if I will have an attorney.

I hope I am doing this right!

[LSG]

Any suggestions. Have to sleep soon. Some encouragement would be good too.

[LSG]

Well, W was grumpy today and did not like to be questioned about going to a going away party for a co-worker. I am trying not care what she thinks. I am doing better than expected all considering she believes that she is going to divorce, take the kids, and I am going to be left with nothing.

She just does not get it and will find out soon.

[LSG]

What should I do to stop my situation from escalating to an actual divorce? I do not want my marriage to end in divorce.

What should I do now?

Any suggestions.

[trytryagain]

LSG-

i feel you on not wanting your marriage to end in divorce. no one WANTS their marriage to end in divorce. but look at the way your W is treating you right now...she doesn't seem to treat you with much respect, is that the kind of person you want to be in a R with?

like so many people on this site point out, divorces do not happen overnight. you do have some time to figure all these things out, even if you filed tomorrow.

the thing to focus on now is on letting go. accepting that you can't control your W's actions. you cannot stop her from being with OM if that's what she wants. what you can do is set boundaries and not tolerate her treating you the way that she's been treating you. i haven't read through your whole thread, but on the job front...are you looking? can you apply for jobs or volunteer your time somewhere? i would think a judge would see the effort as a positive thing in terms of custody. but don't let her bully you with what she's saying about getting the kids 100% of the time since you have no job.

do what you need to do to put your children first and take care of yourself. you said you are doing ok but your last few posts seem a bit panicky to me...are you letting your W see this?

there's no real answer to what you "should" do to stop your wife from divorcing you. you can't control her. you CAN control YOU. start with that. letting her moods or actions dictate your moods or actions is NOT detachment.

when i feel like i'm in full on panic mode (which is pretty often, and my H moved out 2 months ago), i try to tell myself that this will not break me. this will not be the end of my life. this will be the end of a chapter. the next chapter may include my H, it may not. but i am going to work as hard as i can to make the next few chapters as positive, healthy and happy as i can.

hang in there!

[idontunderstand]

LSG

Good for you. You made your mind up that enough is enough and you told her so. Stick to your guns and don't back down now! Don't try to convince her that the M can still be saved, simply state "I don't want a D, but if that's what you want to do, you file".
Like TTA said, you HAVE to let go. It sucks, big time. It's the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but you can and must do it. You must do it for you, not her. Once you do detach and let her know you will be all right no matter what, then you will have your chance to see if you want a R with this alien you have been living with lately.

I have just begun to truely understand what detachment really is and it does give you the power to cope with everything. I am still working on it and fall into a panic at times but those times are fewer and don't last as long anymore.

I hope you can save your marriage, that's what we all want! You must save yourself first!

Stay strong!!!!!!!!

[LSG]

Hi trytryagain,

You are right that I do not want to be treated this way by my wife. It was not always this way, and I want my marriage to better that it was even in the good times. I am looking forward, not back. I know it may not end up that way.

I am having a hard time with the letting go because I do not want to even though I know I should. This is the difficult part for me. I thought I was, but I know I am not.

I am looking for a job daily. I can not volunteer with the finances and daycare costs. I put my kids first all the time. Maybe I have put everyone first that put me in the position that I am am right now. Who would have thought putting others first would end up with me in this situation.

I am panicking I know, but I have not let her know that I hope.

[LSG]

Hi idontunderstand,

I don't plan to change my mind and back down at this point. I know I cannot. It is becoming harder and harder to feel detached and let go. I know I need to but it is so difficult to do because I don't want to detach and let go. I am not at that point I guess. I feel like I am faking it. I do it I think, but it feels like I am acting. I believe that I am just going through the motions without the committment. I hope it changes to where I am really letting go.

I hope I move to where you are now, and it will become easier. I will not give up. I hope I will feel the same that I want a R with the alien in my life. I am sure how I will feel. I have to take it one day at a time I guess.

I sure appreciate everyone's help.

Thank you all so much!!!

[idontunderstand]

Don't get me wrong, I have my down times too. Sometimes, my W will be in a good mood, sometimes for several days at a time. Then, BAM, back to the alien and stranger. Roller coaster, up and down. It will tear you up if you let it.

It's easy for me to say all of this. My W and I haven't had ANY R talk in about four months. I know she has noticed the changes in me. Actions, not words. You told her all that you need to. Now show her, and yourself, that you get it and you can handle anything she throws at you. Remember, don't believe anything she says right now, and only 50% of what you see.

Patience, patience, patience!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sandi2]

LSG, I know you are scared but you have got to stop acting like a whiney, clingy, needy female. She sounds like she keeps you barefooted, pregnant and in the kitchen! You need to man-up real fast.