I'm going to post this as a separate topic from my thread, because I really really need some advice.
Does anyone else wake up in the mornings with a feeling of dread? I don't know how to explain it. Every single morning since the BOMB, almost a year now. I wake up about an hour BEFORE my alarm goes off, and I am terrified, I am alone. I feel it in my chest. Doesn't matter if the night before was great, or if I was sad. If I was thinking about H, or feeling like moving on with things. As the day goes on, the feeling usually passes. Next morning, same thing!
It's sort of like that movie "groundhog day" - anyone know that? Where he wakes up only to find himself in the exact same situation as the day before, except that it is a new day all over again. But it's painful, and I don't know why it happens, or how to make it stop!
Even while you're asleep, your subconscious is still dealing with the 'new' reality in your life. When you awaken, it's akin to having your head slammed into a brick wall. What you were hoping was caused by a bad dream, is actually real, and something you never thought you'd have to deal with. If there was calm and serenity and security in your life before (imagined or real), you no longer have those same advantages.
Your world may not even smell, look, sound or taste like it use to before the bomb. Let alone FEEL normal.
The only thing I can add is that we've all been there .... and after a good deal of time, it does let up. You're always going to have that shock of cold water splashing in your face 'feeling' when you've come out of a deep sleep, until you're fully awake and have your bearings again. As you said, as the day goes on, things are not as brutal as first thing in the morning.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Goodness, I know exactly what you mean, I struggled with this too. Something that helped me was changing my alarm so that I got woken up by calming music rather than being blasted by a buzzer and that helped. But really, the main thing is time.
It got WORSE after we attempted reconciliation, and that failed. And I was the one in control of stopping the attempt at reconcilation (long story, did not feel right yet). Way worse.
I don't know if it's because more reality set in (though it was pretty real before) or because the shock and anger of the first bomb had worn off and that was actually protecting me a bit.
Right now I'm not attempting any sort of reconciliation, mostly N/C or dim, and OK during the days. Working, getting out a bit, talking to people, laughing a bit again... but the mornings are worse then ever! Way worse. Nothing helps. 2 hours before the alarm this AM, and total dread.
sc I used to wake in the middle of the night everynight for probably a year plus with that same feeling you are describing I was terrified the only peace I got was to know my 2 children were safe with me b/c it seemed I hasd lost so much.. My xh left and My mother shortly became ill and died also It was a difficult time over time now 3 years later I no longer wake scared I am excited about my life I have all I need and wish the best for xh so somewhere during those dark days and nights healing took place stick with it you will come out stronger wiser and happier in the end peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peacetoday, thank you for that post!! I can't stop my subconcious-to-consciousness from doing what it does right now, and I know it will probably stop over time, but meantime it goes on and on and I'm getting afraid of going to sleep because of the feelings I have upon wakening. It is very encouraging to hear your story, and that you got through it like you did. I do have the same peace, with my 2 kids
I used the awakening to my advantage. At first I would get up and clean for a bit...that usually got me tired enough to fall back asleep.
Once that stopped working (rather fast actually)....I started working out when I woke up like that. It took about two weeks, but by then I was so fatigued by working out that I slept through the night without a problem. deep...deep sleep. Of course then once I made it through the night without a workout, my day workouts become more intense.
Now that I look at it...I probably could have just made my day work outs more intense to begin with. Of course intense for me usually involved and hour of cardio and 45 minutes of weightlifting.....so pretty tiring.
Absolutely experienced the same thing. It took me about 1.5 years to completely resolve. Now I wake up thankful for everything that is important to me. I don't take anything for granted and wish ex the best. It also helps to remember the anxiety and panic I experienced pre bomb when ex was talking "real crazy", i.e. divorce, IDLY speech, etc..... It will get better, you will heal
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
