Standing, When DB'ing becomes unhealthy

[1000ships]

Braveheart et al.,

I do believe that there does become a point and time when I do think its harmful and the LBS should move on. What are your thoughts and opinions?

Standing is unhealthy if you're doing it for the wrong reason.

I don’t think it is standing that is harmful but what people do with it—or do not do with it. It is how they handle or do not handle standing and about attitude. It killed my best friend. Technically her cause of death was a stroke, but her family and I know what brought that on. She was too afraid to set any type of boundary because she feared her MLCer would not return—a man who did not want a divorce. He lived at home through most of the crisis and moved out only in the last year. They were both unhealthily attached to one another.

As her friend I supported her stand while not agreeing with her methods—or lack thereof. But I knew had I not supported her as a stander, it would not have changed her mind. Her family and most other friends were fed-up, tired of hearing it, angry and beyond at her MLCer etc. But I don’t think it was standing or being a stander but what she did and did not do with that. I knew that as Jack said, she had to make the choice to stand or not and she had to choose her strategies; she chose fear. I also don’t think she was in denial when she believed her MLCer would move home—I knew her situation well and being with her was part of his pattern. In the end she finally started to doubt which increased her fears. But she could not face the possibility that he would not come home—and notice I am not saying return, I merely mean a physical move home; a return would have been dependent on their growth.

We have all kinds of standers here, newbies trying to get a handle on everything, intermediaries who are waiting for the MLC to end, long term standers who are really stuck in life, and closet standers who profess to be making changes, but really haven't. I understand the need to stand, but why continue if after years, nothing has changed? Why continue if you are divorced and the MLCer has remarried?

That implies that all long-term standers are stuck—though I doubt you meant it that way. What constitutes long-term? Two years, 3, 5, 7?
What about Covenant Keepers—perhaps they could be called extreme standers. Covenant Keepers stand based on religious principle. Some keep their covenant by refusing to remarry, though they do not expect their spouse to return. That is the case with some standers who do not consider themselves Covenant Keepers also.

If your spouse has divorced you AND remarried another, and you still attach the label "stander" to yourself, I think there is significant and unhealthy denial taking place.
… But if your ex-spouse is now remarried, there cannot be anything healthy about continuing to THINK as though perhaps one day things will come around again.

Is that universal? In all cases where the MLCer has remarried, it is denial of the (real) spouse stands and will accept reconciliation?
I think that part of standing means a person either will accept reconciliation under appropriate conditions or that they will refuse remarriage in Covenant Keeper fashion. But it does not mean they think it will happen—that they believe the odds are in their favor. Yes, some believe that and that may or may not be denial—each situation is different. I knew without a doubt my husband and I would make it through together, some people said I was in denial and many did not—some because they knew I would disagree and others because they saw what was happening.

I would have continued to stand had my MLCer married the borderline personality, pregnancy faking, suicide threatening OW who told him he should be with her because she was weak and I was strong enough to be without him. I believe whole-heartedly that such a marriage would have failed.

My hope would be that NO ONE would put their life on hold for someone who has walked away in a definitive manner. There is too much life out there to be lived and enjoyed to spend too long waiting for someone who is never even thinking about you.

My hope too. Standing isn’t still, it includes moving on, sadly many do not move on—such as my best friend.

I have a huge problem with telling someone whether or not they should hope. It is not my job, or place, and who the F am I to take away someone's hope.

I believe that Hope is something that you can let run in the background, but instead people rely on it and use it as their crutch.

What really shocks me is the amount of people that give up on their marriages after a short time.

Yeah, me too.

I think the information here given to the wonderful people that come here should ONLY be Take care of you... You matter...

Don't even bring standing or not standing into the converstion

After Bomb Drop I did not know there was such a thing as Standing. He wanted out and I thought that meant I could do nothing. Okay, O could work on myself, but I thought that had nothing to do with my marriage. I always knew I would be fine—eventually—had we not reconciled. I agree that take care of you should be a main part of the opening messages, but like most hope-seeking newbies, I needed more. I also needed that little light of hope to help me turn my focus back onto myself—even if I was using that hope as a temporary crutch; it is when it becomes a permanent prosthetic limb that is a problem.

Once the info gets into the arena of , put on make up when he comes over, put a smile on your face, when he sees you, let him make the first move, no let her move out, don't call the lawyer, call the lawyer. Reply to the email this way... Don't reply..

Yes, this is overwhelming confusing and then add his own cycling to that confusion. UGH

The goal here is to get the self esteem up on people I think that was DBING is about..... AND we can only do that by being a cheerleader of YOU ARE GOING TO BE BETTER THAN FINE..and you will be... Put in the work to better yourselves and free yourself of what keeps you in bondage...

Agreed

The advice should not be geared toward them coming back or not..It should focus on the LBS getting healthy soul, body and spirit...
Take care of you, so then in turn you can take care of your children, your finances, your heart, your health....

THEN you are able to respond to their weird emails, their phone calls.. their crap.

All of that Self-focus and growth is what is needed to get to reconciliation, but upon hearing that some do it manipulatively and it is thus not real. Personal Growth needs to be it’s own purpose and the rest will fall into place—and that may or may not include reconciliation.

But Heart’s Blessing said something important on the thread Old Pilot started for Jack.

Until the majority of "why" questions are answered, most people generally will NOT BUDGE, continuing to insist that the MLC/WAS is totally at fault, that they have to change, not the LBS, and the discussion continues until something gives, or not.

I emphasized a specific piece of that because it is not merely refusing to look in the mirror at their own flaws and stop blaming their MLCer that keeps a person stuck. For some, or perhaps many, until they get some questions answered they will not stop focusing on those questions. I got so fed-up with being told that I shouldn’t ask something. Just say I don’t know! I was fine with that, but when people told me to stop asking or that I wasn’t turning to God enough (Jim Conway’s group), I became more upset, more frustrated and a bit incensed and yes, defensive. I was praying—constantly. I was praying for guidance, peace, the ability to sleep, God’s will… For me, learning about MLC helped me to turn my focus onto myself again. It also helped me to gain understanding and compassion.
Now, that is not the same as the do this and not that…no do that and not this…strategies. But even that was part of the journey.

I see a lot of people who are stuck...
they aren't stuck because they are standing

they are stuck because they still go back to what their spouse is doing

they have not detached

Exactly. This said it well.

Standing is a choice; it’s what you do with it that is healthy or unhealthy.