OP, I certainly never thought I was perfect! I guess I was just happy being "human" and willing to work on what I could and accept the things that were me too. And the same goes for H. I liked him, faults and all. I don't like who he is right now though. I trusted him, I was really in the relationship, and he was not. Why on earth would we have the ability to be so deep into a relationship with someone who is not?
"....and figure out how to proceed, and what WE want. "
All I ever wanted was a loving husband and my family all together. The rest was just what I did to pay bills, pass time, contribute to society (work, hobbies, etc etc). I can't have that now, even if he came back, he's kicked the stuffing out of the relationship we had, just totally demolished the foundation, the trust, all the things a deep R is supposed to be.
Mach1, I guess so. He went all out on our anniversary this past year, way way way over the top. I was amazed. I didn't do much, it wasn't a major year, and we never do too much but spend some time together. It was so weird. I think I fell in love with him all over again. Then he left the next week. The kids keep blaming ME for not having gone all out on the anniversary too. How did I know he would do that? Or what he was planning next. This is so hard.
Cat04 -- what happened with the dating? I don't know your sitch.
I think I know what you mean by physical vs. real intimacy though, when we tried reconciling it felt more the former then the latter, and I was the one to stop it that time. It didn't feel real. But now I keep questioning myself, if it was just the hurt or betrayal or lack of trust getting in the way of what was real. I don't know what is real or not anymore, at least when it comes to H.
Snodderly, do you really think it's 50:50? That seems high. Also, my H seems to be just fine on his own out there, not dependant on a specific OW. He's not emotional, never cries. I don't know what it would take for him to come back, he's successful, probably looking forward to the next 20 years of fun fun fun. Why not? He did the wife and kids thing, and seems to have extracted himself from it just fine. He tells me to be more introverted, more extroverted, more successful, less successful, more intimate, less intimate... and now he can have them all... out there. I hate this!!!
Do you know what my MLCers "friends" say to my H, especially the ones who were WASs themselves? Don't worry about it, this is YOUR LIFE! Don't go back to her. There are so many cute and younger and easier things around here. And about the kids... don't worry, kids grow up no matter what you do. It's like by doing so he also validates THEIR decisions and wrongs from long ago. And so they say it's OK, so he thinks it's OK too. Does anyone here have a MLCer who hangs around other MLCers?
Hi SC...of course you are feeling all of these things...we all have and some still do and are working hard on detaching. Have you read some of the other sitches? It is very helpful to do that. Also, the resource links that OP gave to you have a wealth of information and there are also success stories!!! Right now, you should focus on yourself and your kids, be the best Mom you can be, get out and do some fun things for yourself and if you don't want a D, then don't file!!!! He wants it...he can be the one to do it...don't let him bully you into it! Do make sure that you are protected financially though. You need to not worry about what your H is doing or thinking...trust me, it doesn't help and will just make you miserable! He may seem like he is having the time of his life but if you read up on MLC, you will see that he is probably not!!!
Hope you get a good nights sleep and take care of yourself!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
SCH, The first 3 months after the bomb were awful. First 4 days I didn't sleep or eat AT ALL. Then I went to the doctor and she gave me something to help me sleep. It made me drowsy and I slept...for maybe 3-4 hours, then I would wake-up crying and that was that for sleep. This went on for about 3 months. I'm now off the sleeping pills and I sleep pretty good. My eating is better as well. I had no appetite for months (lost lots of weight)
Terrified - yes I had anxiety attacks about the future, our business, that was horrible. That lasted about a month. The worst feeling ever (tried some anxiety medication, didn't really work for me). Newer, ewer do I want to experience anything like that again.
Quote:
One thing seems for sure to me, that is... they don't feel what we are feeling. There is NO WAY someone could go through the feelings that the LBS has, and continue to do this. I feel so awful.
They say that people in MLC go through pain, but they have absolutely no idea what kind of pain and devastation LBS are going through because of them.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Hey CW, believe it or not, I think he can "bully" me into filing! But I'm just going to do a sep agreement, the actual D I will not do. Actually, the one who files for D is the one who pays for it here, so maybe doesn't file because it saves him money and he's not getting remarried now so why do it (from his perspective) even though he does not seem to have any real intention of coming home, at least not now.
Hi Mila, thanks for writing that. I went through the exact same thing as you. It's good to know it wasn't just me!
But the strange thing is that it was a better place then, then I am in now. Because we tried reconciling after several months, and at first it was awesome, but it quickly became very dark and I felt like I'd been demoted from wife to... cook and booty call. It was horrible, so I stopped it, figuring he wasn't ready to come back yet (i.e. wouldn't leave his other "life" for me/us). THEN the worst of the mornings started. Even worse then before, which were like yours!
There's something about the anger in the beginning and the shock that I think actually buffers you a bit!!
