OTOH, when she is with your STBX, you can look at it as a chance for your D to learn natural consequences regarding getting cold due to not being dressed properly.
That's what bothers me, she's a kid and can't be expected to make the right decisions for herself. It's our responsibility as parents to do what's best for her.
She's six though. You can start to put some of the responsibility in her hands. One way to start is you bringing extra clothing with you, then asking her "is your body warm, cold, or just right", then giving her clothing if she is cold. That's coaching her to tune into her own body and take care of herself. If she regularly wants more clothing once she's outside you can encourage her to put on the clothing before going outside. As parents, it's our job to support our children in developing self management and self regulation skills.
FWIW, your W sleeping with your D doesn't concern me . If it starts to be a problem, it can be changed.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Ok, well I don't know you well yet Romeo, but some GAL ideas or brainstorming (I know you have little free time, so don't know if all of these are doable):
- what did you used to do with your time when you were younger, had a better commute or were in a happier state? - is there something you've always wanted to try but made excuses or felt silly doing it? For me it's tap dancing and darnit, I am GOING to take a class in the next year! - Many times it's been recommended when I'm wallowing (not saying you are but it could help anyway) that I volunteer somewhere. Is there a cause or activity you're interested in? animals? children? youth mentoring/big brother? cleaning up parks? It's possible you could even choose an activity that D could come with you to do- you might meet some nice people. - do you like sports? I play soccer in an adult league on the weekends and it's a great stress reliever + meet people. Lots of these are in the evenings, too. - Is there a hobby you'd be interested in doing at home? Building something? planting something? knitting? (j/k) - do you belong to a biking club? Is there a group that bikes together on the weekends in your area? - if you weren't expending mental energy on STBXW, D6, commute, etc., what would you be doing with yourself??
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Honestly, I'm not sure I'm doing all that great - maybe as a dad I'm doing OK. However around W I'm not sure what I'm doing. For e.g. W sent some pumpkin pie home with D using her as an excuse (i think) that she wanted to bring it. She makes killer pies and this one was no different. I thought about telling her how good it was but I didn't. Should I have?
Today I went to pick DD up from her girl scout class, W had brought her there from her school. I walked in, she waved and I waved back with a generic smile. I decided not to walk all the way over to her. She came closer and told me they're still playing and stuff they colored is drawing. I just noded and said 'oh ok' then turned to watch DD as she was playing. W stood a few feet away (not too close) then she walked away talking with the other parents the rest of the time while I stood there by myself. Then when D was done (20 mins) I called her over and told her we were ready to go home, she walked over and gave W a hug who then came over and asked me if I wanted to bring a few of the colored doo-dads home, I just said "sure" took a couple from her hands and walked out talking with D.
I really am not sure how to act around her, I think she probably sees me as if I'm angry at her. Quite frankly I fight with the decision of whether or not I want to reconcile. I worry that she won't change and she'll keep fleeing whenever she wants to. I'm confused.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I'm an awesome mom (just ask me!), and we live in IL, and my boys NEVER wear pants even! They wear shorts year round!!! AND, get this, they wear hoodies all winter! They had awesome board coats, matching pants, etc... NOPE, would only wear the hoodies, and were always hot!
LoL
Your D6 is getting to the age to start to understand what she'll need, but still needs guidance. Give her a few years, and your opinion won't be worth much!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
She makes killer pies and this one was no different. I thought about telling her how good it was but I didn't. Should I have?
well, I don't see any reason not to tell her if you really think that. just say that... that pie was awesome, thanks! you just don't want to sound needy or pleading, or be stoic or mad, IMHO you want to sound like you are positive and are enjoying your life!
Quote:
really am not sure how to act around her, I think she probably sees me as if I'm angry at her. Quite frankly I fight with the decision of whether or not I want to reconcile. I worry that she won't change and she'll keep fleeing whenever she wants to. I'm confused.
again, just look like your enjoying life. I think you could start practice talking to people. are you normally the type that doesn't go up to someone?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
SR, you don't have to decide if you want to reconcile yet. You're here because you want to keep that option open, right? I know that since H moved out I've been micromanaging myself, afraid of pursuing or saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone of voice or facial expression. My interactions have been fear-based. I'm realizing that I have to start being myself around H...or at least the good part of myself . Nothing pursuing, but being a bit warmer, more humourous, a bit chattier. Partly for me, so that I feel like a human being around H, not a DB robot. I'm still following my personal guidelines, but trying to be more relaxed.
As long as you're giving her space and not pursuing, be yourself...the good part of yourself
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
SR, you don't have to decide if you want to reconcile yet. You're here because you want to keep that option open, right? I know that since H moved out I've been micromanaging myself, afraid of pursuing or saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone of voice or facial expression. My interactions have been fear-based.
Boy, do I relate to that! This stuff messes with my head sometimes, if I let it. I second-guess everything. While I'm not happy you guys are in the same boat, it does make me feel slightly better that some "veterans" (relative to me) experience the same doubts.
But I have more clarity when it comes to others' situations. SR, if I may be candid, it is possible she could perceive you as stand-offish or mad sometimes. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing- it just is. I tend to be on the shy side- not with H, but in general- and I think my whole life b/c I don't talk a lot around big new groups, people have thought I was a bitch or too good for them, when in reality, I had no idea what to say! OTOH, W knows you, I assume. With my H, I did the silent thing for years- when I didn't want a confrontation but was angry, I'd shut him out. He finally told me how he perceived that and what it meant to him and I felt awful (his family history triggered). But maybe your W sees you differently, I don't know.
I do think it was a positive sign that she approached you at one point.
And I do understand the fine line of not wanting to appear needy or too open vs. appearing like stone. I think the others' suggestions are good- you can be pleasant and polite without revealing too much or leaving yourself open to hurt. Would it help if you thought of her as a neighbor you aren't good friends with but really have nothing against and no history with- no pre-conceived notions or past hurts? How would you be if she brought you a pie? Thankful but a tiny bit guarded b/c you don't know her? But still, polite and nice? I'm totally struggling with this, too, so I don't know if this advice is any good... Grain of salt.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
I think you could start practice talking to people. are you normally the type that doesn't go up to someone?
You could say that. I'm usually the quiet type unless I'm around friends or people that I feel comfortable with. I was at a sports store today picking something up and the girl behind the counter smiled and said hi when I first walked in, i just smiled and said hi back. Then when I got to the checkout she said hi again and I said hi and started looking at the zuzu pets for DD. She said 'are you getting one of those too?' I said 'I am, do you have a recommendation?' she said 'hmmm...I'm not sure, they do different things I think, you may want to read the box' I said 'are you saying you don't have any yourself?'. She laughed and said 'well...my son actually has a real ginneau pig'. I said oh see I was thinking of getting the zuzu pet for myself' and smiled. She laughed, I paid for it and walked out. So sometimes I can say a few silly things to strangers (only the friendly ones) but usually I keep to myself.
Speaking of the pets, I told my daughter a fairy dropped it off for her because she's being a really good girl. She wanted to know which fairy and 'for reallll?' I said I didn't see her.
FM, it's hard to act 'normal' when I constantly think I have to project some kind of an image. So maybe I should just be myself...I don't know about my good part...I don't think I have a good part
ST, it'd be kinda weird if I text'd her for nothing but to say 'the pie was awesome, thanks' don't you think? I over analyze everything.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
What's happening, hun? When you first came back here a few days ago, you were clever, witty, and confident. You're losing your mojo!! What's changed? TRUST in yourself. You are an interesting, nice guy!
Don't let a W whose used your home like a revolving door for the past three years dictate your being.
HUGS FRIEND
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Jamie, we're so much alike...hint hint haha - I know exactly what you mean by being shy and people thinking you're stuck up - that's me. I did try to think of her as my neighbor who brought a pie over I guess I could treat her that way but I really don't think she'd want to have sex with me...LOL I kill myself sometimes.
mind, I don't know what's changed, maybe the atmosphere here is affecting me. I'm thinking about this stuff a lot more than I was initially. I'm questioning if my behavior is pushing her further away or not. If I go back to my bahvior a few days ago in a nutshell it was 'I don't care what she thinks, does or feel anymore' and that would be stand-offish to her. It would mean I won't talk to her unless i had to regarding DD or something important like taxes etc or unless she asked me. But is that helping me or not? Should I continue that behavior?
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
. If it starts to be a problem, it can be changed.
haha - I know exactly what you mean by being shy and people thinking you're stuck up - that's me. I did try to think of her as my neighbor who brought a pie over I guess I could treat her that way but I really don't think she'd want to have sex with me...LOL I kill myself sometimes.