SR, you don't have to decide if you want to reconcile yet. You're here because you want to keep that option open, right? I know that since H moved out I've been micromanaging myself, afraid of pursuing or saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone of voice or facial expression. My interactions have been fear-based.
Boy, do I relate to that! This stuff messes with my head sometimes, if I let it. I second-guess everything. While I'm not happy you guys are in the same boat, it does make me feel slightly better that some "veterans" (relative to me) experience the same doubts.
But I have more clarity when it comes to others' situations. SR, if I may be candid, it is possible she could perceive you as stand-offish or mad sometimes. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing- it just is. I tend to be on the shy side- not with H, but in general- and I think my whole life b/c I don't talk a lot around big new groups, people have thought I was a bitch or too good for them, when in reality, I had no idea what to say! OTOH, W knows you, I assume. With my H, I did the silent thing for years- when I didn't want a confrontation but was angry, I'd shut him out. He finally told me how he perceived that and what it meant to him and I felt awful (his family history triggered). But maybe your W sees you differently, I don't know.
I do think it was a positive sign that she approached you at one point.
And I do understand the fine line of not wanting to appear needy or too open vs. appearing like stone. I think the others' suggestions are good- you can be pleasant and polite without revealing too much or leaving yourself open to hurt. Would it help if you thought of her as a neighbor you aren't good friends with but really have nothing against and no history with- no pre-conceived notions or past hurts? How would you be if she brought you a pie? Thankful but a tiny bit guarded b/c you don't know her? But still, polite and nice? I'm totally struggling with this, too, so I don't know if this advice is any good... Grain of salt.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
