My sex life was fine. I have done the "dating around and hooking up thing" and I have also had a few long term relationships (lasting from one year to five years). I have also gone for long periods of time just reflecting on myself and intentionally not having sex or dating anyone.
I have never been "suicidal" about anything...and I never will be.
I definitely can keep a good "grip" on things but just getting off is not what drives me (although it is certainly part of it).
I have realized I have a problem about just being happy with myself and just let it be and not pressure my H anymore:
It feels like giving up.
Yesterday I was having a particularly bad day. My husband is in the dumps again on his depression and I was just out of ideas as to how to help him, since he turned down all of my offers to help. At that point he needed me to leave him alone , you know? I did, with a considerable amount of effort, because we are so opposite here (I would crave companionship in his case), but oh well, I thought, I will do what HE needs me to do for him, which IS nothing.
Here the problem comes. As soon as I "forgot" about him, I started really enjoying myself at home, doing my things, just like I did when I was single, If felt like I had "divorced him emotionally" and at that point I was thinking, if this is what it takes to be happy in this marriage, I am in trouble, because it felt like I had giving up some very important part of what loving means to me, which is caring for him. I cannot care and do nothing or do nothing while I still care.
I just have to say that this board is fascinating! I encountered CeMar on the MLC board and engaged him in some conversation about his frustration with his W. I think that for the first time EVER I understood why my marriage ended as a result of talking to him.
I was LD, H was HD. There was not an absence of sex (the usual two point something times a week) but I did not feel DESIRE! I could enjoy sex but I didn't need it the way H did. He complained, it was a constant issue, I never understood, brushed his complaints aside, told him his perceptions were wrong. Then he had an affair and although we tried to recover, we could not. He knew there was someone HD out there to make him happy!
So he left three years ago and now we are getting divorced. He has a new woman who presumably makes him very happy.
What a terrible waste that we couldn't communicate well enough to make each other understand how we felt. I'm not sure it would have made any difference in the end but isn't that what marriage is all about?? -- negotiating, sticking with it, trying to get the other person to understand, respecting each other's feelings, etc. We never got to that point. What I thought was a really good marriage was a kind of crappy marriage. We were like brother and sister, wonderful companions, and it took me a long time to get over missing him. I'm sure there are many things he misses about me too but alas, I'm gone.... I can hardly be in the same room with him anymore. Makes my skin crawl.
So I just wanted to drop in and say that I admire all of you HD people who stick with it and try to make it work. If you can be as explicit with your spouses as you are here, they might get it. Even my H telling me he was in love with another person and wanted to leave us didn't do it for me because we never carried the conversation on to a deeper level. We just tried to patch things up and move on. And I never understood that he needed me to feel PASSION. All the things you say here are things he needed from me and didn't get: more touching, little signs of affection, initiating, not just "going along".
Corri, I have a huge amount of respect for you. You really worked hard to understand your H. You are patient with others and very compassionate. You also asked one of the posters the very question running through my mind as I read this thread: how did you cope as a single person? Were you absolutely miserable when there was no one there to give you affection and passionate sex? How did you manage to self-soothe then?
To all I recommend a pretty amazing book: Passionate Marriage by Schnarch. He has a website too. He takes a different approach than most-- says that the whole point of marriage is to differentiate, not to merge, and that each spouse needs to "hold onto themselves" in the relationship.
Well, just wanted to applaud from the sidelines. I admire how everyone is trying to cope and learn and understand.
I will say one thing -- you cannot imagine the pain that divorce will inflict on ALL concerned. My H has what he so desperately wanted from me and couldn't get -- a loving (doting, smothering, I would say -- but hold it! that's my bias showing) mate. But he has lost much of the attention and care of his children, half his income, etc. Sometimes I wonder if he feels it is worth it. But alas, we talk on only the most superficial level these days and I will probably never know.
You should definitely spend some time (and maybe money) trying to figure out why you are not happy. Do whatever you have to do to be happy. I would start with exercise. This will help you in more ways than anything else in the world. On top of that it might not hurt to get a little counseling. The most important thing is that you be really honest with yourself and get to know yourself. If you can't do that then you are in for a world of trouble.
I know it is tricky keeping yourself from emotionally divorcing your spouse. What you have to do is just focus on yourself. You can't help your spouse. All you can do is be there for them as much as you can. Just don't lose yourself by giving or "giving in" too much.
I promise you that if you will exercise for an hour at least three times a week, AND, start focusing on how to make yourself happy in ways that have absolutely nothing to do with your husband, you will feel a whole lot better...and not that better that only lasts for a couple days and then vanishes...I am talking about feeling better for the rest of your life.
This is like a rollacoaster and I go up and down more than I thought possible. Me, the very together , sure of herself , controlled and dependable individual. Was I living in a word of fantasy or what?
I will stick to the plan even if I have to mentally carry myself kicking and screaming about how unfair the world is and all that happy crap. Who ever said that life was fair and I believe him/her ??!! I am getting over the bitterness of this and gaining understanding and acceptance.One good think about all of these is that I am learning a lot about being a better person and also about myself.
The exercise is definitely going to help a lot, actually now that I mention it I can answer a question Corri was asking someone and that got mention again by Carlotta : How did you HD people coped with the sex issue when single? Me, I exercised a lot, it would normally take away all that nervious energy the sexual frustration left in me, also I had made a habit of "flying solo" as often as needed and the not very effective cold showers , However for you LD people out there that are wondering why is such a big deal now, since we HD people can do what we used to do when single to deal with our sexuality now also. Let me tell you....is hundrends of times worse when you have the person you love and desire right in front of you day in and day out, sharing the same bed, walking around the house naked (like my H always does)or being just so lovable and cute and funny. It is HELL! I keep on doing everything , except for the exercise. I will start the execising like I used to do, hopefully that will help in the energy expenditure, mind peace and my looks, which I miss more than my husband would ever miss.
Here I go again, 1 step forward, 2 steps back, 3 steps forward.......
I am here for the long haul, I will stick to the plan no matter what!
AMEN TO THAT! It is completely different when you are single then when you are in love with someone. Absolutely miserable.
LDrs, for the most part, don't (or can't) understand what it is like to be in our situation. For them, it seems like sex/physical intimacy is like a basket. Something that they can carry around or put down at will. They seem to feel like our wanting sex is like us wanting them to carry our baskets around for us. For us it is completely different. Sex/physical intimacy is like an internal organ. It is not a heart or a brain but more like a stomach. It is part of us. We can't just turn it off because it is not conveinent. We can't just put it down and walk away from it.
Quote: Here the problem comes. As soon as I "forgot" about him, I started really enjoying myself at home, doing my things, just like I did when I was single, If felt like I had "divorced him emotionally" and at that point I was thinking, if this is what it takes to be happy in this marriage, I am in trouble, because it felt like I had giving up some very important part of what loving means to me, which is caring for him. I cannot care and do nothing or do nothing while I still care.
To a degree, you are emotionally withdrawing. But withdrawing isn't such a bad thing if it in fact pulls toward you that which you desire most. It's a paradox, really. In order to achieve the closeness and itimacy you so crave with your spouse, yes, you must 'let go,' do absolutely and completely NOTHING. In essence, you are dropping your spouse on his ass.
That's not to say you have to be mean to him, or cruel to him, or not even help out when he asks (IF you feel like it), but you have to stop assuming and anticipating his needs. I know that is probably how you LOVE to be treated, and there is nothing wrong with it if that what you like, but he is a different animal. He probably feels smothered and suffocated. (I don't mean to offend).
He can't be half responsible for your relationship because you are always there, fixing it, fluffing it up, doing whatever... you know? By killing yourself to be his everything and 'caring' for him, you are in essence doing HIS HALF of the work in the relationship... why should he put forth any effort when you take care of it all for him. See?
Trust him to hold up his end of the bargain.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but stop working so hard -- let it go, fall backward in the water and float with the current instead of continually fighting against the current to go upstream. Pursue the things you love, do the things you enjoy -- if he's down, feel empathetic, but don't let it hold you up...
I SWEAR TO GOD he'll notice. It may take some time, but you'll be so busy doing the things you enjoy with your life, you won't notice the time passing. The happy-go-lucky, busy with her life, confident woman you were before you got married is the woman he was attracted to to begin with.
Lose your preconceived notions of what marriage was 'supposed' to be and be willing to make it up as you go.
I totally agree that the "what did you do when you were single" argument holds NO BEARING whatsoever on married life. I mean, do you really want to know the answer to that, LOL. At any rate, I don't think those behaviors are acceptable within a monogamous relationship!
Furthermore, it seems to underscore the main difference between HD people and LD people. Corri, you are missing the boat by focusing on the fact that it is a PHYSICAL thing that is missing. It's not! I can take care of the physical thing myself. What is missing is the emotional component and connection with another person.
And the others are right...it is HELL to marry a person that you dearly love, only to have them decide at some point that sex aint doin' it for them anymore. After all, that was one of the main reasons that I married--because he was so attractive to me that I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going anywhere! I LOVED the fact that I didn't have to sit around and be lonely, bored, whatever as I did in my single days. I loved the fact that I never had to wonder again (or so I thought) how many months would go by before I would have sex again, as I did when I was single.
So Corri, I have to chime in with the others and say that the PHYSICAL yearning for a sex partner from my single days has little to nothing to do with the MENTAL, EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL yearning for my spouse.
Nope, I'm not missing the boat on the physical thing. I do get the emotional connection that comes from sex, believe me I do. I understand that that is where HDers find their confirmation and expression of intimacy and love. I do get it, really, I do.
But please understand that LDers don't just 'decide' one day that sex ain't doing it for them anymore. It isn't some conscious decision we make to withhold and cause our partners undue stress and pain. Can you even imagine for one moment what it would be like to be the one who lost their sex drive? Can you even fathom that? And if you WERE the one to loose your sex drive, what would you do to fill up your love tank?
My point in bringing up the 'what did you do before you were married' scenario was to try and understand the feelings of HDers when your weren't married.
What is it that happens in relationships changes that?
Quote: After all, that was one of the main reasons that I married--because he was so attractive to me that I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going anywhere! I LOVED the fact that I didn't have to sit around and be lonely, bored, whatever as I did in my single days. I loved the fact that I never had to wonder again (or so I thought) how many months would go by before I would have sex again, as I did when I was single.
I don't know, I've got a real problem with this kind of statement. It sounds like an enormous amount of pressure to place on someone else... it sounds like you have made your partner completely responsible for you NOT feeling bored, lonely or horney (just a figure of expression). So not only does your spouse have to take care of themselves, they must also take care of you.
Why is your spouse responsible for your boredom? Why is your spouse responsible for whether or not you feel lonely? Whose feelings are those?
Once again, Corri, you have nailed it. I felt very much as though I was being made totally responsible for my H's happiness. Given the fact that my X was married to his job more than to me, did not enjoy hanging around the family home, and that every vacation and leisure-time activity we did was in accord with his wishes, hearing that I was sexually inadequate was cause for resentment.
Someone said, on one of these threads, that if the HD partner reacts to "routine" sex with frustration, anger, resentment, then the LD partner is going to be even less inclined to put out. I could not agree more. It was very demoralizing to hear that what I thought were my loving efforts to give him something he wanted (e.g. sex 2.5 times per week) was boring, passionless, unfulfilling, and that on top of it I did not love him.
Nothing could have been further from the truth! I loved my X deeply.
NOW he sees what "not loving him" is. I cannot stand to be physically near him. He has hurt me so deeply with his deceit that I will never trust him again.
And I'd like to make it clear that I didn't suffer in the slightest because of my lack of desire. It has been my pattern for my entire life to feel that passion in the beginning of a relationship and then to have it die. In fact, if what I read is correct, that is the norm. We are built physiologically to feel passion for 6 months to three years -- the length of time it takes to conceive a child, bear it and raise it to toddlerhood.
Passion CAN be prolonged by uncertainty and by obstacles placed in the path to its fulfillment. And of course the HD experiences uncertainty and obstacles every day in their married life, which fuels the flames.
As I journey on, I accept more and more that we were simply a bad match. But at such a heavy cost.
, However for you LD people out there that are wondering why is such a big deal now, since we HD people can do what we used to do when single to deal with our sexuality now also. Let me tell you....is hundrends of times worse when you have the person you love and desire right in front of you day in and day out, sharing the same bed, walking around the house naked (like my H always does)or being just so lovable and cute and funny. It is HELL! I keep on doing everything , except for the exercise. I will start the execising like I used to do, hopefully that will help in the energy expenditure, mind peace and my looks, which I miss more than my husband would ever miss. 