Differences in libido in a M, just like any other differences within a M (or perhaps even more so than other differences since it is such a sensitive subject) takes a lot of hard work to overcome. It may also take a long time to reach an understanding between the two partners.
So you're in for a long ride (it can't be solved overnight especially if you're also dealing with depression, whether mild or otherwise - its still a mental block to overcome). Since your sitch cannot change overnight, you might as well learn how to deal with it in the best possible way. We cannot control our sitch or the way our Hs feel but we can control how WE feel about it. We can control our own reactions to the sitch or "rejection" as we see it.
Like you, I am the HD W married to a LD H. I've learned to accept that its not about me. It really isn't. I used to question myself so much, lose my self confidence and self esteem. I would cry, I would wait, I would try to explain nicely, then I got impatient and I screamed, I would feel rejected, feel unloved, have poor self image and became ashamed of my body. Its natural to feel this way but also very silly, negative and unproductive don't you think?
While you're trying to solve this issue in your M it is best that you have some coping mechanism for yourself. Here are some suggestions:
- when you find yourself crying about the sitch, stop yourself, don't think so hard about the sitch, in other words, don't try to analyse too deeply about what your H must be thinking, why doesn't he want or desire you anymore etc (you don't know, only he knows what he is thinking). Just stop yourself and go do something else that you enjoy.
- if you find yourself being unhappy about the 5 minute LM sessions you've been having, don't! I felt really miserable once when H came and initiated things one morning while I was still asleep (after having screamed about the sitch the day before), I wasn't even ready, it was hurried and it hurt and I felt that he only wanted to do it to shut me up but I've learned to look at it another way from some great suggestions from this board. Its a real act of love when the LD spouse does it because they think it will make you happy even if its the last thing they feel like doing.
- relax about the porn. Men are visual creatures after all. And remember its not about you. I think that LD men have the extra pressure of performance anxiety, so maybe porn doesn't give them that anxiety. Don't question yourself, don't pursue and don't pressure them as it will only make the performance anxiety worse. And why not be open with your H about the porn. Tell him that he doesn't have to hide them from you or be secretive about it. Have confidence in yourself and stop thinking that you're being replaced. Unless your H has a porn addiction, you're not.
- I think that its great that your H opened up to you about his problems. Its a great starting point. The point is to build your M up in other areas (like communication for example) so that you are both better equipped to deal with the differences in your libido in a non threatening manner. Be patient in the meantime. You don't want to turn this into such a huge issue between you that it becomes even harder to overcome.
- remember too that you can be intimate with your H without the sexual part for now. I love to be close to my H and to touch him and theres nothing to stop me from giving him loving massages (which he loves), hugs and kisses etc. Don't fret that they're the non passionate ones. You can stay connected that way until you get back the passion.
I'm busy now so have to go but hope this helps you a little.
LH
