Thanks for your understanding CG. It does help. I think I would like to try a combination of things: addressing the underlying unsafe things AND practical tools for starting to work (once I start I get involved in it and it's not too bad).
It sounds like you've made incredible progress and gained a lot of self-awareness in your journey.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I agree that sometimes we have to try a few different solutions before we find the right one.
I have made good/decent progress and I can openly say it is hard. Damn hard. I do get tired of dealing with it sometimes. When I get fed up I force myself to stop and think of how hard it was to "get going" the first time and how I never want to be there again. If I live to be 150 I will never forget that day my mom took me to the dr and hearing my dr. call the psych and say "this is a broken woman who needs immediate help". It was truly a life altering moment for me.
If you start to feel unsafe find me here or on FB. Sometimes it feels a little better to say you feel unsafe to a person that really has lived unsafe.
I haven't followed your thread closely. Speaking of procrastination, was it you who has ADHD and and an ADHD child? There was a good article about "cognition" - there is a "good time" (when you're in hyper focus mood) and there is time when you have low focus, so you would naturally try to wait till you hit hyper focused mood.
You should learn to differentiate things that require extra attention from "to do" items. All extra attention items always have prep steps that don't require special effort. This is something that helps me getting going on things. I know there always will be some small easy steps in the beginning, so no need to sweat it yet. For example getting a list of lawyers' phone numbers is not a grand effort. But it is a start.
Once you hit a hyper focus mood, don't slack off. Try to get done as much as you can.
If there is an OW or someone that hubby is pursuing, is this a game changer for you?
Just curious...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Yes, I suspect that I have ADHD, and my S has ADHD. Hyperfocusing works really well for me sometimes, though it's not good for me to rely on that because I rarely have the kind of time windows where I can work an 8 hour day, for example. But really the problem for me is starting.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Procrastination! Finally! An area where I can contribute!
For my whole life, I've been a world-class procrastinator. If they gave awards for it, my shelves would be littered with them.
I have ADD, and when I say I have it, I mean that I really have it. I've been medicated for more than a decade, and my life has been so much better for it. I do not procrastinate nearly as badly as I once did, and my medication has sharpened or reawakened my working memory. I understand that medication is not the answer for everyone, but I had utilized all the coping mechanisms to the point of exhaustion.
The book that cleared it all up for me is called Driven to Distraction. It's very helpful and contains invaluable information. I would highly recommend at least skimming it.
If there is an OW or someone that hubby is pursuing, is this a game changer for you?
If there is an OW, knowing about it would be agonizing for me (as I assume it is for everyone). And it might change my tactics. But I would still want our M and our family life, ideally in a new and improved version. Ask me again when I figure out what in tarnation is going on.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/25/1010:44 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If you start to feel unsafe find me here or on FB. Sometimes it feels a little better to say you feel unsafe to a person that really has lived unsafe.
Thanks, I'll remember that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
N8, thanks for offering to answer ADD questions. I'm glad to read that medication helped you. Maybe it would be that simple for me. <sigh> Not even sure what questions to ask.
Mo3, thanks for the vote of confidence
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
