You have no idea how much you helped me with your words. The simple fact that there are some people out there that understand, truly understand how devastating a SSM can be , specially when is the wife that is HD. This is because we already as women have all sorts of image problems to begging with. Me, I always thought I was pretty hot, not mayor body issues, but if you ask me know, I don't even allow him to see me get dress, my self esteem is at all times low.
I am not saying that the men out there that are HD have it easy or is less painful, just that the extra layer of "going against the current" behavior is not there .
I had a conversation with my husband last Saturday and it when very well actually, but later over the weekend other issues come up. It all started when I was very upset that day, it was a weekend, the only time when we ever made love and that day he was looking particularly lovable , unfortunately as soon as that thought registered in my head, I started trying to make it go away, since I was not to do anything to initiate sex, as agreed and he was (like alway) obviously busy on his things and not paying any kind of attention to me.
I had been able to hold it together well for the past month or so, but I don't know why I got so upset, I had to go to the bathroom to cry because I couldn't help myself when a huge wave of pain got me. I started crying with hiccup and everything. After I calmed down , I thought I had to say or do something, because I was going to explode later, if I didn't do anything. I asked him if we could talk. He started getting defensive , telling me that we have said everything there was to say about the subject and that we had agreed to "wait it out" until the depression was gone and he felt more normal , and therefore more sexual, since now it was just not there. I don't know what I did differently this time, but even though he started to get all defensive and angry about me wanting to "beat a dead horse" one more time , I just stopped talking altogether and let him talk, he, for the first time actually talked for the whole extend of the discussion, not me. I was the one listening, very attentively I may add. He told me the things that were affecting him, his frustrations and why he felt so depresed, he even ackwoledged that many of his problems were his own doing (the Town we moved in, which he despises, the over the top investment on his work, which ended up being a huge disapointment to him, etc)I just listened to him. He ended up telling me that everything was going to be fine. I couldnt believe I was hearing right, that we were going to have a better marriage, etc. I was very relieved after that, you know? at least I know he is talking to me about his frustrations, that is a huge difference from before, and also that he knows there is a problem and that he will work on it. He even promised me that we were going to start spending more time together and that evening he taught me how to play 500, a card game, since he enjoys them a lot (btw, I don't like card games, but what the heck, I am just happy to see interest from his side).
Well, then, the following day, like other times, he worked all night in his office. I woke up at maybe 3AM and went very quietly to his office, I looked in and saw that he was looking at some nude pictures he gets from a subscription through his e-mail (even before we were even dating), I have seen them before,most of them are actually quite pretty, more erotic and artistic that anything else and as soon as I saw them I went numb, you know? I was very sleepy, but I think I was in a bit of a shock, so I made a small noise to let him know I was there, I asked him if he was going to go to bed and then I just when back to bed, when he said no. He obviously hided the picture as soon as he saw me, since one time we had a huge fight about them( as a side note, before I didn't have a problem with those pictures, since I didn't feel replaced by them at that time) He followed me to bed and hugged me for at least 10 minutes. I was just not talking or saying anything, I, even today don't know how to react, is this a good sign? I mean, is his sexual side returning a bit, so he is looking at the pictures, since they are "safe" for him, or is this a bad sign? more like I am really being replaced and his very low sexual energy is being spend elsewhere?
, unfortunately as soon as that thought registered in my head, I started trying to make it go away, since I was not to do anything to initiate sex, as agreed and he was (like alway) obviously busy on his things and not paying any kind of attention to me.
