K, your observations are very interesting. Gives me hope that some of them do actually wake-up. I do realize that WH may not be what I want anymore, if/when he comes back. It would be like starting a new realationship with almost a stranger. I agree that it would take work and time to fall back "in love with him". I guess that would depend on what kind of a person he will become.
Originally Posted By: kissak
Just keep reminding yourself that these guys will rewrite alot of history and say things that they may not mean later.
The history re-writing is unbelievable and there is nothing I can do about it, I just have to wait and see. I keep telling myself "Watch from a distance and don't get sucked in in his drama". Still working on that
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thought I'd just come by to say hi, and wish you well!
I really appreciate your comments on my sitch, wish I could say more, but not sure what to say!
One thing that comes to mind, though, is about this rewritting history. My H had been doing that to some degree for a long time, and SOOO much now. Would even rewrite the same thing different ways in a single week.
I actually got tired of trying to argue it, correct it, or anything. I just started a little while ago to say, "Yeah, I know you feel that way". Or "I get it, I know you see it that way". Or sometimes if I wasn't feeling that conciliatory (?) I would just ignore the whole statement he was making and say something unrelated positive instead like, "We did do some pretty awesome things, eh?!".
I don't know if it helps or makes things worse (by validating), but actually no worse came of it. It almost seems like by not argueing with H about the history, he stops dwelling on the bad vision, because there's no one to argue with about it, and you get a chance to say a tiny bit to remind him of all the good things you are. Does that make sense?
Maybe the older DBs here can say whether that's good or not, but it really didn't seem to hurt anything, oddly enough. I guess it's like a 180 thought thing or something.
Mila, there is always hope in any situation. If your marriage doesnt work out in the end, there is hope of something better. Just work on you. In time hopefully your H will figure things out. Hopefully he will see what a wonderful wife he has. It will then be up to you if YOU want him back.
I agree with SecondChance, I dont think it would hurt anything to just valiadate that you HEAR what he is saying when he rewrites history. You dont have to agree. Our MC always told us to say "I hear what your saying" to each other even if we didnt agree.
Stay strong;)
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I think that you're right, you can't do damage by validating. I find it maddening at times to be saying "I understand" when I know that he is totally "out to lunch".
I observed that validating seems to calm him and when I disagree he goes into defensive/offensive mode. So lets keep validating
Last edited by Mila; 03/27/1008:02 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Once when I agreed with H's rewritten version of history (well, verbally, but it was way negative and not true!!). ....
....the strangest thing happened, in an attempt to ARGUE with me, H rewrote it again right there, telling me it was actually a good time (which it had been!).
Once when I agreed with H's rewritten version of history (well, verbally, but it was way negative and not true!!). .... ....the strangest thing happened, in an attempt to ARGUE with me, H rewrote it again right there, telling me it was actually a good time (which it had been!).
SCh, I can only laugh about that (in kind of sad way). I don't think we can figure this one out. Damned if we do damned if we don't.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Yesterday I had "civilized" meeting with WH at Starbucs. I asked to meet there. I kind of like it in public place better, because there is less chance that he will fly off the handle. WH said that he would have preferred to come "home" (yes he said home) because he needed to iron his shirts, still didn't get iron & board (since January). I said sorry you didn't tell me. This morning he actually called me asking for advice what kind of iron should he get, that he doesn't know anything about irons (yup).
We mainly talked about finances. I prepared our asset & liability statement, and some scenarios of what we could do to organize our finances.
Told him that if we have to discharge all business and personal debts we likely have to sell the house. Showed him some smaller houses that I was looking at. He was getting more and more upset, said that he doesn't want to sell the house, can we just refinance and keep it.
I said yes but for that we would need 2 incomes. I can't carry the big house all by myself and I don't know what's going to happen with him or the business. He got defensive and barked that I should stop trowing that in his face. I said that I didn't mean to upset him but it's something that is on my mind and I want to make sure that d16 & I are self sufficient in worst case scenario. Didn't really agree on anything, but I will continue looking at homes.
BTW he looked horrible, drawn, tired, bags under his eyes. At times he raised his voice but apologized saying that he's not having a very good morning. (Something with OW? who knows). I was short on small talk, very business-like then rushed off saying that I have another meeting. Totally 180 for me. Normally I would chitchat with him if I saw that he wanted to. I don't think he liked that.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Today I felt really stressed because I started to think about the amount of work that's waiting for me if I'm selling the house.
There are so many things to deal with before the sale, backyard clean up, plant flower boxes, organize closets, organize the garage have a garage sale, fix up tons of little things around the house and get it ready to list. And just thinking about the move sends shivers down my back, so much work. How am I going to do all of this alone? I decided to take it one day at the time and work on the backyard today and pressure wash the area around the pool.
When I saw the amount of work outside I just picked up the phone without thinking and called WH to come and help, why the heck should I do it all alone. It's in his best interest as well to sell the house for top $$$.
When I asked he was hesitant and said "I have my buddy coming over for dinner and to watch a hockey game" I said "Don't worry about it I don't want to disrupt your plans". Then he said that he can help me for a bit. I hung up the phone and got really angry with myself for calling him and I also was angry with him for leaving me in a situation that I feel that I have to beg him to help me. He is living his worry free life while I agonize over how I'm going to do all of this by myself. By this time I was crying feeling sorry for myself. I thought that it would be a mistake to have him come now when I feel like this. I wouldn't be able to hold it together.
I called him right back and told him that it was a mistake to call him for help that I felt that I was imposing and that can do it by myself. He got really upset and said "What happened didn't I say "yes" fast enough for you? I dropped everything and was ready to go. You are making things harder then they already are" I said sorry, I changed my mind I just want to be alone now.
Great...then I felt bad and sent him an email
I'm sorry if I disturbed your afternoon. I didn't mean to "make thinks harder then they already are". I called you without thinking, when I felt really overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to do around here. I got upset immediately with myself for calling so I called you back to cancel. I shouldn't have called you. So again, I'm sorry for disturbing you.
He sent this back I am sorry you wouldn't let me come and help... I am sorry if I appeared hesitant when you called, I was only calculating in my mind how much time I would be able to give you, and wasn't sure if it would be enough ... I am sorry that I didn't call this morning as I should have, to offer to help in the yard... I am sorry for getting defensive... You shouldn't have to do this by yourself, I want to help... Please let's look at all the numbers Monday morning again together... I can come tomorrow morning from 8-11 and help, even if it rains...
I sent him a reply that he could come tomorrow.
Well not a great day, but by tomorrow morning I will be ready to face him.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Oh Mila, I just caught up on your thread and am so sorry for what you are dealing with.
Something that struck me about your husband ( a few pages ago) was his email messages about him being trustworthy. That came up with my husband as well, he just somehow didn't understand why I didn't think I could trust him about things. For years he was always the one who told me "trust is the most important part of a relationship", of course that went out the window with his MLC. When I actually asked him outright "don't you understand WHY I can't trust you?" His reply was that he was 'mostly trustworthy". As if somehow the OW and his affair didn't count and should be overlooked.
I would echo the other advice to not mortgage the house. That should be a safeguard for you and your daughter to have a place to live (or to sell and use to buy a new house).
Good luck with your meeting tomorrow.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
This sounds so similar. Slightly different sitches, but the same overall pic. It's so strange.
"Where you said... "He got defensive and barked that I should stop throwing that in his face." Exactly like my H too. Reality comes up, for me it was mortgages, houses, schools, because life keeps going forward and these decisions have to be made. But he just kept saying that I should "stop pressuring him", "why does he have to decide now", "he can only give me what he can give me right now", and so on. If he opened the conversation again at a later date because he knew I had to deal with these things still, I would end up getting the exact same replies from him.
He also offers sometimes to help with house things, sometimes does them, or sometimes has the gall to tell ME what I should be doing to make the house better (and these are major house tackling things that I in no way have time for).
I guess about a month or so ago, I started to make the decisions without him. What else could I do? So I'm making the decisions I feel are right for me and the kids should he not return. And if he does, he will have to catch up to us. I don't see it working any other way. He will NOT commit to us at this time, and trying to decide something 50:50 with a partner who is not committed is so frustrating, and if you don't like the outcome he will blame you. Just decide what you need to do, quietly inform him of the way it is going, and hope he eventually comes along. Do what is right for you, you have to.
Good luck! (from an exhausted SecondChance now dealing with all this stuff too).
P.S. You were right to postpone your second meet-up, though you need not apologize to him, it won't stop him from coming later anyways! I try to be 100% as much as possible when H is coming around, otherwise I don't want to see him. Makes him better see how we are getting it together (which we really are alot of the times and days) and there is no point AT ALL in him seeing us when we are down, doesn't benefit anyone .
