Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Temporary thread

[flowmom]

I also recommend The Feeling Good Handbook. And to be honest this is something that you can easily work with daily without help. I still recommend seeing an IC but I'm just not sure if I'd make it be all about the CBT as that's easier to DIY than some therapeutic approaches.

An approach that is very powerful is The Work. Similar to CBT, it is based on questioning our thoughts and beliefs. Although the process is quite simple (you can watch short clips of it in action on the site), IME the inquiry process of The Work gets closer to the core of things. The web site has free phone facilitators as well as paid ones that you can contact to meet in person or arrange phone consultation. I'm thinking of doing this myself as The Work is the most powerful personal development process that I've encountered. I've done some myself, but I can see the value in having it facilitated. Avermont posted about her positive experience with a The Work facilitator in her thread.

[Gardener]

Thanks, fm. Checked the book out on Amazon. Looks good. I'll add it to the list.
The site looks very iteresting. I'll also check out what avermont had to say.

[rockedworld]

Hi mrbt,

I can only speak from one session so far, but it was amazing for me. I felt I moved forward in my emotional healing much more in that one session than in the previous sessions with traditional "talk" therapy.

It is most helpful for emotional trauma, so if that is what your wife has experienced it is likely going to be helpful.

[happywithchange]

CBT changed my life forever. I went for Panic Disorder that I had suffered from for 10 years. I was panic free after 4 weeks of group and 1 on 1 therapy. It all made so much sense and I had been trying for so long, I jsut needed the right tools. Fortunately it happened before I got my bomb or I wold have been a panic attack ridden agoraphobic, drinking heavily. Instead I have gone through my whole process without a single panic attack. I am so much more calm in every aspect of my life now that I know how to be conscious of my subconscious mind.

[Gardener]

HWC,
Thank you. Quite an enthusiastic endorsement of something that has been resonating more and more with me as I look into it. And you seemed to be nothing if not enthusiastic right from the beginning.

I was lurker only on your thread since when you joined Newcomers (after New Year's?) I was kind of burnt out and in the last throes of a messy "mediation" divorce.

Much of our sitches were the same, though, although to this day, I've never seen any evidence of suspected PA. What you got in bomb 3 - or -4?, I got in bits and pieces over six months, most of that in sham, disingenuous guilt-relieving MC. I self-medicated/buzzed with wine for a couple of years, too, 2-3 glasses a night. Quit 2/06/06. And I got the "let's be friends now" schtick, too, though mine was a few weeks post-D. Friends? By what definition? I'm afraid not.

You've been pretty quiet for a few weeks. But, I guess when you're done, you're done. Small consolation, but you came charging out of the gate fast, did almost everything right. Sorry it didn't work for you.

Thanks again for the CBT endorsement.
Now, to find one.

[saffie]

CBT helped change my life and save my M too.

I like the books by Martin Seligman. There are lots of books out there, by many authors....each with their own slightly different angle, and some are work/ exercise books.

My experience though was that it was good to read material whilst at the same time seeing a therapist who could help me practice what I was learning through my reading.

[gregr1111]

An approach that is very powerful is The Work. Similar to CBT, it is based on questioning our thoughts and beliefs

This whole concept sparked my interest, I went out and got the book "loving what is" today. The concept sounds simple enough. but what I cant wrap my head around is: if the whole point is to let go of any preconcieved beliefs on why something causes you pain and to basically just be. How do you apply it to a marriage where your spouse is having an affair?
ie. if you remove all preconcieved notions that your spouse having an affair should cause you pain and you should want to change them to not do it. Then theoretically eliminating those beliefs would leave you accepting that their actions does not cause you any pain.
So what do you do? carry on with your spouse not worrying about their infidelity? or what! I dont get that?

[12bar]

CBT would not be used to help someone ignore or forget an A in my experience. A lot of times, a person becomes negative, pessimistic and depressed and the associated withdrawal from the spouse sets the stage for an A. After an A is uncovered, a BS may have intensely negative thoughts such as:

How can I go on?
I am a terrible person/spouse/lover etc.
I will never find love again

These negative thoughts keep us locked in a cycle of despair and prevent healing. CBT gives you the tools the challenge these thoughts as being largely irrational. Once you are able to challenge these negative thoughts that keep you depressed you are able to see things in a more positive light which allows you to begin healing and healing is a necessary step whether the WS stays or goes.

[saffie]

CBT would not be used to help someone ignore or forget an A in my experience

.

No, nor should it ever be seen as a means to doing this.If in this unfortunate position, one needs to learn from an A, not forget it, painful though that may be.

CBT also helped me divide things into those I could do something about and those I couldn't.

It broke things down into managable pieces rather than just looking at the big picture and feeling totally overwhelmed.

It taught me to put those things that were out of my control into 'little boxes' which I shelved until I reached a point were I could deal with them, whilst at the same time encouraging me to find ways to deal with those things I could deal with in a more positive and effective way.

It is a method that can be applied to many areas of life.

[happywithchange]

Yes CBT gives the tools to prevent ruminating. Over-analysis. Negative thinking. Circuitous thinking always leading down the same path. For me my thought process happened the same way every time. And always led to the same conclusion and outcome. A Panic attack. CBT taught me how to step out of the situation and watch it evolve, and how to step in and stop it. Concentrating so much on watching it evolve actually stopped the evolution for me. And it's not just for panic but any subconscious thinking that just seems to pop up out of nowhere. I am just so much more aware of myself talking to myself.

Hopefully Gardener you can find a good program like I did. Which also helped work on the things that lead to depression, anxiety or any other negative behavior. I didn't just get the tools for thinking, they consistently questioned me about my sleeping (big one) and eating habits, not drinking etc. All the things that are so important to living a healthy lifestyle. So really they worked on the whole me while teaching me the tools to control my thoughts and feelings and the behaviors resultant from them. Also I have to say the the book Hold on to your NUTS is a great book. That with going to AA is helping me become the man I have always had deep inside of me. I'm not sure I would have been able to silence my inner child if it weren't for CBT though. I could talk about this for days on end because it is fascinating to me.

As for my sitch, I will update it one of these days. But right now I am simply enjoying life day to day. I'm still as a happy as a clam. (are clams really that happy?)