I'm not doing so well today. went up to W-town yesterday to meet with new MC. He is very good. on way up w didn't answer my phone call in the morning for a while, prompting my paranoia, prompting R talk, talk about 0M on way up, she saying "I give, I give..you can have what you want". not good.
at MC I felt like I needed to really say what was on my mind about OM, about the lying, about trust. at the end he said that it is up to me if I want to believe her or not. but if I don't then I will be doing us all a favor by ending it. wow. this is true. I have a big hangup with OM, with the lies, with trust.
so I'm not STFing well. I'm not doing a good job.
today I came back to my town. have talked to w a lot (she called). we've had some nice talks, some laughs.
I really think that I closed her right back up. I think we have backtracked. I think I keep shooting myself in the foot.
she continues to deny there is anything there with OM.
I told her today I'd stop talking about it. that I would believe her. that I will stop the negativity in her life.
last night I did get to see my boys though and that was awesome.
so I am very frustrated with myself. I was doing well there. but I felt like if we were really going to get something out of the MC I needed to get those things out in the open, as I think they are major obstacles-- that we need to be able to rebuild trust. again, she is the one who scheduled the MC appt. but I am still all about me, about my impatience.
tentative moving date is next friday. I really feel like there is a chance if I get up there, we can start co-parenting, spending some time together... I can chill out, give her the unconditional love that she needs and wants, that we may have a shot.
but again, it is so hard because I keep shooting my feet off.
