I am not telling you to act like a horse's rear to your W, but I am telling you to stand up to her and stop allowing her to wear the pants in this M. Women are never attractive when they try to be the man in the M. But, men look even worse if they go around in a dress.
IDK, there was that time Robx, Puppy, McQueen and I were in Juarez. McQueen starts hitting the tequila and singing "Mexican Blackird" at the top of his lungs. He dissappears for a few mintues and and comes out saying, "Mira aqui, yo soy una transvestiva." Not exactly saying he looked good or anything but Puppy couldn't stop commenting on how fetching he looked, Rob is all all over him about his cr*p behavior and I just ordered another round....... Made "The Hangover" look tame.
Stay thirsty my friends.
now back to your regular programming
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I truly understand and appreciate your comments. I guess I am being selective about when to let her call the shots and when not to. As for the party, I am pretty indifferent about it. I guess I want her to invite me because she wants me there and it will make me feel better about where things are going. I am not the kind of person who goes places he is not welcome. If she doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there. But I am truly indifferent. If I don't go I will enjoy the break and the time alone. If I go, I will make the best of it. My wife likes a certain level of control. One of her gripes from the beginning was that I always put myself first and not her and what she wants. She wants someone who puts her first. I have thought that pushing back on what she wants in this case could reinforce her belief that I do only what I want despite what she asks. When it came to raising and caring for two twin infants she would get angry when I would question or challenge her decisions -- as if to say I don't trust she's doing the right thing as a mother. I know her comfort as a caring mother and going to a party are pretty far apart, but I am trying to be fair and agreeable to her needs without as you so succinctly put it becoming a wimp. It seems so contradictory to stand up to her wishes because it feels like, again, I am challenging her and pushing back and causing stress. It feels like it will only push her further away. Thoughts?
Sorry...about the guilt thing. I saw it as her feeling a bit guilty that she sat and watched TV for an hour and fed herself dinner while I was up trying to put the kids down. So, to erase it, she made the effort to come down and offer me dinner suggestions. She totally didn't need to do that at all. I am 41 years old -- I can feed myself. And a few weeks ago she wouldn't have done that.
I see. So she doesn't cook dinner for the family? I think it is awful the way she sits around while you take care of the children and she doesn't even cook. Does she do any of the house work?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not the kind of person who goes places he is not welcome. If she doesn't want me there, I don't want to be there.
I don't blame you for that, neither am I. In our family, however, it is just "understood" that the spouse and children are invited to family events like BD parties. In the past, have you waited for her to invite you to go to her side of family things?
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I have thought that pushing back on what she wants in this case could reinforce her belief that I do only what I want despite what she asks.
Okay, what you have to do is to understand the difference in standing up to her for respect--and still showing fairness and respect toward her. What most LBH's do not realize is everything that the WAW wanted from him in the past.....she now feels is too little too late. So, in your eyes you might be trying to put her first--but in her eyes she is stepping all over you. It is often hard to be able to balance these things when in your stitch. But I believe respect is the most important thing to accomplish b/c she will never have a change of heart until she can respect you.....I don't care how well you put her first. In fact,the more you would try to do that right now....the more disrespect she is likely to show. The crazyiness of a WAW.
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When it came to raising and caring for two twin infants she would get angry when I would question or challenge her decisions
It could be in how you say it or it may be her personality. If you've made her feel like you think you could do a better job with the kids....that might be why she is leaving you with the work. I know I would. Have you been critical?
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because it feels like, again, I am challenging her and pushing back and causing stress.
In that case, know what is the right thing to do and then stick to your guns. Be firm but speak respectful. It is very important to show self-respect and confidence. If you don't feel confident in what you are doing, she will stomp you down.
It is really hard to know in some of these threads b/c your side is all that we have. Usually, DBing is doing the thing that seems opposite of what we should be doing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Let me say that my wife and I had been house hunting since late last summer. After our fallout, she continued the search on her own. The crazy thing is that she has used our SHARED email account to communicate with our real estate agent. So, after our fallout I asked if she wanted me to come look at one particular house with her and she said 'no.' So, I took myself out of the loop. Oh, let me just clarify that her father is footing the bill. So, she has spent the past month continuing the search and even telling the agent that she'd rather build on a site. I stay out of the discussions even though I see 90% of the correspondences. So, tonight she's in a good mood. She says she bought ingredients to make mushroom risotto and asked if I wanted to have that for dinner. I suggested getting Indian food but said if you want to make the risotto I will have it and I am sure it will be great. She opted for Indian and said she can make it another night. Not typical of her to be so concerned and forthcoming about what we are going to share for dinner. Then I check my email and I see an email from our R/E agent with a subject that says "Congratulations." An offer she made on a house was accepted. Did she say anything to me? Nope. Did I say anything about it? Nope. I am waiting for her to tell me the good news. If she can't say anything by the time I leave for work tomorrow (I work for her father, BTW) then he and I will have a convo. SO F'ING BIZZARE! She's all happy and ready to have me fetch dinner but she can't find a way to say she bought a new house. I will confront her with it tomorrow but I am really getting confused even more. I think she just doesn't know how to say it b/c she KNOWS I've read our emails. But if she made a deal, I think it's her job to say something. Can a new home force a separation? Like, OK, me and the kids are moving and you are not coming with us. Ummm, that I think would be called kidnapping. I know she saw her therapist today. I just don't know what her deal is anymore. As I have always said, she's is a poor communicator of her feelings, so this is something that has got to be bothering her that I am silent. But yet she's seemingly warmer and friendlier to me at the same time. My wife is not a vindictive person at all. I just wish I knew what planet the aliens are from that took her. Worst case I am going to walk into her dad's office tomorrow, shut the door and ask him what the hell is going on since my WIFE can't open her mouth.
First of all, remember her dad is your boss and you need to be careful how you speak to him or else look for another job. Which, if there is going to be a D, that would probably be a good idea anyway.
Not knowing her dad, I don't know if he has encouraged all of the house building project or if she has put him in the middle of things. Maybe you need to talk to her first before you go storming into his office.
Like you said, she knows you've seen the emails. If you have always been the one to do the communicating then she's probably wondering why you are not saying anything. BTW, I sure know how you feel b/c that was how is was at my house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IDK, there was that time Robx, Puppy, McQueen and I were in Juarez. McQueen starts hitting the tequila and singing "Mexican Blackird" at the top of his lungs. He dissappears for a few mintues and and comes out saying, "Mira aqui, yo soy una transvestiva." Not exactly saying he looked good or anything but Puppy couldn't stop commenting on how fetching he looked, Rob is all all over him about his cr*p behavior and I just ordered another round....... Made "The Hangover" look tame.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well the good thing is that he is sympathetic and wishes for us to reconcile. My wife doesn't talk to him about our issues. He will ask me once a week or so how things are going, so I feel that talking to him a bit won't be so uncomfortable as long as I keep it cool. I'd guess he is thinking that this new house will make his daughter happy and therefore make her a little happier about her life. I would bet he's hoping it has a positive effect on us. He's old school Italian and he thinks he can fix anything. I have spoken to him about our problems and I have seen his eyes well up in sadness. Old school Italians do net believe in divorce so I am sure he thinks this will yield a net positive. I will confront my wife about it today and just act surprised and positive: "hey, I saw the email...what's going on? It sounds exciting!" and see how she squirms...
Glad to hear your FIL wants the M to last. Remember, however, it is "his" daughter and he will support her happiness before he takes sides with you.
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It sounds exciting!
JMHO, but I don't know if I would say that if you are against her moving out and getting a D. I believe in showing a PMA, but I think this is kind of fake. Unless you are going to drop the rope and act as if none of it bothers you and you're moving on, I would leave that last part off. Do you think she would not tell you about the house if you didn't ask bring up the emails?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
