i've heard so much about responsibility. i've blamed my ILs for being horrible parents and raising their children to be dependent on them for life. but the children are also adults now shouldn't they be responsible for their own actions and decisions? so who is to blame here? the parents or the children (who eventually become our h or w)?
Yeah, I went through that. Blaming them. (Still am mad at them for being irresponsible parents). Blaming w. In the end, I agree with you that it is entirely the choice of the spouse to allow this to take place. My w did not have to invite them into our marriage, invite them to run her d, but blaming my w does not help me, my marriage, or anyone else. Instead, what I ended up doing is thinking about why w would choose her parents over me. What can I do to change myself so that I can outshine, outdo them in everything? For what part am I solely to blame? And what I can do about it today, next week, continue to do forever for myself or any good partner?
I clearly have an edge on affection and sex, but right now w has no interest in either of these. Affection is completely satisfied by nursing and cuddling with our son. Sex--her hormones are still in nursing mode and she has no interest in me (or anyone else). If she does, occasionally, the electrical version of me probably works just fine--it never complains
I can wait it out until her need for affection and sex returns, but I know that for my w, she must have an emotional connection first anyway. And that's what I'm working on.
I'm trying to show her in the few ways in which she is allowing me that I can meet her needs like no one else in the world. That her parents will not be willing to do what I'd do as a good husband. I often feel like I am directly competing against an extremely crafty, extremely smart, extremely responsive version of OM (embodied in MIL and FIL). Ex: I make some special herbed chicken for w and a few days later they do it too, trying to outdo me.
I can't "win" MIL and FIL over and that wouldn't be right of me to even try. But I can continue to treat them kindly, occasionally ask if they need anything I can pick up at the grocery store, talk to them, see the good in them. It's d*mn hard to do. I feel like I'm not being true to myself when I do this and would just want to scream at them and my w for being so very irresponsible and cavalier with our family! But that's not going to save my marriage, is it. That doesn't mean I can't be honest if I feel my w has done something to mistreat me. But it also mean because we're separated I have to choose the few battles wisely and sometimes drop things that I'd normally bring up in a "married" state.
