Question

[ClingingToHope]

Expenses:
H will pay $500 in child support each month as calculated by the Indiana Child Support Calculator. This amount will help to pay for…
• Daycare fees
• Medical expenses for Hayden
• Clothing for Hayden
• Food for Hayden
• Housing for Hayden

Wow. I wished I lived in Indiana. In Illinois, the guidelines for two kids are 28 percent of your net income. In my case, W is coming after me for $970 a month and it couldn't include daycare -- that's separate.

[awest1217]

Exactly...I am being fair, not trying to take all him money or not let him see S. So far this solemn assembly is killing me because I think a lot about last year at this time and well...not the best. Last year is when H left (the week right after this) and I keep remembering my grandpa's funeral and so much more. It is really making me angry that after a year he still hasn't changed one bit.

H is still texting me and saying "hi" "hope things are going well" "love u". Nothing asking a question or trying to start a conversation. I feel they are guilt texts. I text H only because of S and that is it. S woke up this morning at 4 am with a hacking, wheezing cough so I took off of work. Doctor said S doesn't have anything majorly wrong. Virus and croupe so he is on a steroid to open his airways. H said he was glad to get all the update texts, but still nothing of substance from him and with the memories picking up and old feelings coming to the surface...I am getting more and more angry with him. I definitely need to work on those.

I am also reading many people's sitches and I think at times I am giving in too soon, but at the same time why should I keep my life on hold and live in limbo. I am very different than I was a year ago and I don't need to keep being treated horribly and never knowing when H is going to pop out of his hole to be a father or husband. I also read how people talk about their spouses and I see myself in some of the WAS. I was the one who was outgoing until H whined that I didn't see him enough so by the time we were in college he wanted to be more "outgoing" although he was still introverted, but it makes all the people he talks to now say that I was always controlling and always not allowing him to have fun, but he did that to me first. Now I am the one having fun and I hang out with many different people, but he only hangs out with OW. Sorry reading other people's posts and seeing myself in them has made me feel weird.

Off to get more sleep. S and I took a 3 hour nap and now some more sleep.

[Lucky11too]

I believe it was in DB where they say sometimes the other spouse makes us become the WAS, even though it is not what we want. They can make our lives so unbearable, that we almost have no choice but to walk away. That way, they don't have to be the bad guy. That's exactly what happened in my sitch as it seems to be somewhat in yours as well. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to be treated like dirt. You have given it your all and continue to do so, but you shouldn't have to put up with that treatment for the rest of your life. I know you don't want to give up too early, but only you can truely know your situation the best. If you think there is still a chance that H could change and you have the endurance to endure it, then maybe you keep with it. But if H continues to completely resist change, then there's not a lot you can do. You're just going to have to really evaluate H to see where that all stands. I don't know how you get thru to him though - you've tried talking, you tried ignoring - somehow, he just needs a big 2X4!

Hope S feels better!

[ClingingToHope]

I am also reading many people's sitches and I think at times I am giving in too soon, but at the same time why should I keep my life on hold and live in limbo.

I don't think you're giving in too soon. Your H is someone who would keep you on a string forever if you let him. You are making him grow up and make a choice. To me, it wouldn't be a hard choice. I'd kill for another chance to watch my family grow up every day. Your H? Well, not so much.

I thought I could live in limbo forever and I've seen some people on here still in limbo. Everyone has to make their own choice. In my case, it was made for me.

Last point is financial. Times are going to be tough the next couple of years for teachers and you have a son to think about. You need financial support and it's his job to provide it.

I'm behind you.

[awest1217]

Nothing from H about seeing S in a week. I left the idea of H seeing S in his hands and absolutely nothing has been said about it. He hasn't even asked about S except for the day S was sick. H always sends at least one text or short e-mail (I now have no service until afternoon at work) once a day that says "just wanted to say hi. hope you have a good day. i love u." It varies a little each day, but that is it. He never asks about S or asks for an update. I usually send one text a day updating about S, but that is it.

It is just crazy to me that H isn't asking to see S at all. I don't know if it is just not wanting to see him alone, not wanting to deal with me wanting something in writing, or something else. I know I am different than H. I can't go a few hours without calling to check up on S. Not that I am worried about who has him, but I want to always know what he is doing and wondering what I am missing. I don't understand going weeks without seeing my son. Easter of course is next week along with the anniversary of H leaving. My sister said I should text him "happy anniversary", but I am not going to because that is rude. Luckily it is the last day before spring break so I won't have to think about it too much, not that the day really upsets me anymore.

I still have some hesitation about filing, mostly fear of the unknown, but I always think I have done everything I could possibly do to save this marriage. I have let him live his life and not disrupted it. I have followed his lead, and broke down when he would lead me on just to ignore me for weeks again. I have changed so much in a year. Really changed everything that H complained about, but he doesn't want to see it because I won't let him come home and still be with OW. Right now I have no clue if he really is living with his parents or living with OW or finding someplace else, and honestly it doesn't matter to me. I am curious because we are still married, but beyond curiosity, it doesn't matter.

Lastly, Easter? I have no clue what is going to happen. Right now I am going to plan on S not seeing H, but I don't know about my in-laws. I am not too fond of them right now to have his mom tell me in January it isn't fair H is still going back and forth, but then let him move in for as long as he needs, according to his dad, on top of his mom saying to me "should I put H on our census report". What? His legal residence is with me so it would be on my report. I think they all hate me and I am sure H is telling them all half-truths, but oh well. H's parents are just such bad parents. They were super authoritarian when he was in high school. His curfew on the weekends was 11 pm as a senior, but as soon as college came, he can do whatever he wants and his parents won't say anything, and the same with his brothers. With S, they are also very permissive which bothers me. H's brother disciplines S more than my in-laws, but I think his brother although still living at home when he has a good job, is the only sane brother of the group.

Sorry for the kind of rambling and being all over the place. I have really been doing some soul searching this week because I don't want to regret filing. When I got married, I was seriously thinking about canceling the wedding, but didn't because I thought H would change and I didn't want to look like a failure. I don't want to rush into a D, without really making sure I am ok with it. I don't really have much I am worried about except S. For S's sake, i would love for H and I to reconcile and have a wonderful marriage, but H is making that not possible. If he would go to MC, IC, church, something to show he wanted us to work, then i would stop the train, but there is nothing.

I will just have to do a little more waiting. Wait to see how much my tax return is...wait to see what will happen with Easter...wait to see what will happen with a D....

On a good note, S is getting better although I think my body might be trying to fight off the cold he got so I have been exhausted all week. I mean having to take 30 minute "nap" resting while still listening for S every day this week. Plus going to sleep at 9 every night to wake up tired every morning. I did get both of our easter outfits complete so i am excited. I still don't know about the mommy/S pictures, but I have always wanted some pics of just the two of us even when H was around so why not. Lastly once I know about the refund I am going to get S a swing set for the backyard. We are only two blocks from a park, but on days where we need to go somewhere after school or in the summer when we have already gone to the park, it will be nice for him to just go outside and play.

Although it may not sound like it. I am really doing well besides exhausted. I don't think about H all the time or our sitch all the time. It is mostly when I read other people's sitches or I realize the date and think about what was happening a year ago (this weekend H and OW went on their first overnight weekend...I only said ok because he swore she wasn't going and it was going to a hockey game 4 hours away with coworkers, but it really was just H and OW at the game and then in a hotel room)...then I wonder if OW and H are celebrating these anniversaries?:(

[ClingingToHope]

Don't worry about his anniversaries. Worry about yours. Make plans for just you and S and if out of the blue he wants to see you or S he has to follow your plans.

You've allowed him to string you around for at least a year and it sounds like a lot longer.

Filing for D is just another step. Deep down, do you think he'll change anything on his own?

But also don't file in hopes of making him change. Because the end result is a D.

I don't really want to D either. But a D is better than holding on to someone who has convinced herself that she doesn't love me. I had a great time this week and I'm having a great time with my girls right now.

If this is how my life is going to be, it's pretty good.

Do you want to wait for someone who can't commit to you?

[awest1217]

I agree CTH. H has never committed to me...ever so I really am ok with the D.

Right now I really need advice. I am not sleeping well at all. I haven't slept well for a week. I thought it was a cold, but even now, I am up and S is still sleeping. I should be getting some extra sleep. I have been having some vivid dreams and when they are over am up. Today's was I was walking down the stairs and OW is in my house. My sister was here and let her in which is odd because my sister hates her. Anyway OW is on the phone with my MIL telling her how messed up H is. In the dream, H has moved on to another woman (another coworker I know), and OW is trying to tell MIL how messed up H is. OW's phone dies and we start talking like friends about how H needs help and is messed up. Then MIL, FIL, H's brothers, OW, and my family are all in my living room. I tell my in-laws they are going to lose their son because he is going to commit suicide because he is depressed. They say no and how it is all my fault and OW's fault and that their son is perfectly fine. I tell them how he always says he is unhappy, hates his life, hates everything and won't even see his S. I tell them that I have put seeing S in his hands again and this time I am not going to push him like I have in the past so it is his fault they haven't seen him and he hasn't seen S. They just kept saying it is his life and there is nothing wrong. THen I woke up...AAHHH!!!!

Not all my dreams are about H, actually he is always in them, but not a main part. Yesterday's was about easter and me running like a mad woman trying to help with the easter play.

My question is what can I do to get some sleep? I am sure I know why I dream what I dream, but how can I stop it. For example, last night I drove past my in-law's on the way home because it was a shorter way. H wasn't there and my MIL was sitting in the window playing the wii. I am pretty sure H hasn't stayed the night at his parents at all. (Gut instinct and it is usually right), but I have no idea where he is staying. Maybe OW's, but her H is home and I don't think he would be ok with it again. I don't know, and last night was the first time I found out H wasn't where he was supposed to be and didn't get angry or upset or sad. It was just like oh well...normal so the dream is probably my mind putting that all together and the fact that I am not upset about H not being at his parent's and maybe not at OW's brings up a new girl.

How can I stop this? I really am not thinking about him much. I did yesterday because of church and it was one year ago on that service where my core found out there were some major issues going on. Then thinking about how this Thursday is the one year of him moving out. It was a lot for the emotional service we had to end solemn assembly. Besides that, I don't obsess over him like I did before. I don't text him when he doesn't contact me. I don't really care about where he is except to hope he is ok, but last year or even a few months ago I would text him to make sure he was ok, but now I am worried about him, but not enough to find anything out. I just don't know. HELP!?!?!?

[Lucky11too]

It's great that you are finally able to dettach because that will save you emotionally from all these up and downs. Just make sure that you're not just supressing your feelings though.

Interesting dream situation. It was actually very much like my real situation last year. Almost exactly a year ago, H was completely suicidal. He was depressed, was unhappy all the time, and hated life. I found on his computer google searches for drugs that kill you painlessly or quickly. He had even found the one and wrote down the name of the drug. I told his parents, but like in your dream, they kept insisting how H was fine and how he would really go thru with it, etc etc. I was completely shocked and appalled. That was not something you take lightly and must always be taken as a real threat. I know you're not in the situation to have much impact on H now, but with despression, suicide is unfortunately too common, so if you think that it is a real possibility with H, do what you can to get thru to his parents. It's amazing how in denial these parents can be though! I guess that's just the biased glasses some parents were, but I just hope I'm never as naive with my own S.

Regarding sleeping, one thing that helps is exercise (helps mind and body). Maybe try taking S (in his stroller) on a little jog when you get home or find something else that can get your heartrate going. Then make sure just to find something to calm your mind before you go to bed - veg out on the tv or read a fun book. You could also try deep breathing (big deep breaths then slowly let the air out) to calm your body. I've been doing that recently and it's been helping.

Just keep taking it all one step at a time. I wish H would come around, but at least you are doing what you need to do now and stepping off that hampster wheel.

[ClingingToHope]

I've had some vivid dreams about W -- I'm sad when I wake up. The M is only alive in my subconscience.

I can't help you on the sleep stuff since if I know I'm going to be home alone for a few hours then I just take half a sleeping pill. I'm not sure that's good for you because you might have to wake up.

I would try to avoid going past the inlaws, even if it is longer, because yes you'll always look and that just brings everything back.

When I drive to and from work I can cast a quick glance and see if W is home or not since the house is about a block off the main drive. I try not to do this. I try to look the other way. I'm successful 95 percent of the time.

[awest1217]

Had some good conversations with my brother and sister-in-law about finances. We are all into the whole Dave Ramsey thing, at least parts of it. Parts my brother is not ok with because he does investment and insurance so he does not agree with some of that, but over all the saving is what we are focusing on. They understand that for right now I can't do anything firm because I am living paycheck to paycheck, but with that I have been able to save quite a bit since last year at this time I had $200 which was mostly S's money since I hadn't started an account for him yet, so really I had $50. Now I have some savings which we all agreed is an act of God since I was paying for everything by myself. It was really good and I am feeling good.

H didn't contact me since Friday during work, but of course, right on schedule, H texts me his usual "just wanted to say hi and let you know I am thinking about you. love u." All I see when he sends stuff anymore is blah blah blah. My brother asked why I am still being so nice, and I said it really is all just because I still need H to go do somethings for me for example switch the phone into my name, split cell phone bills, pay child support until I can file and get a court order, etc. I did though block him on FB, which I doubt he even notices because he isn't on much. I also blocked OW and her husband. This way I don't check their pages at all. I really am completely detached, but I do think I am suppressing a few of the sad feelings because I do know it is over, but right now I need to stay focused on my goal of getting this over with. I can grieve the loss later. (probably bad, but what I need to do for now).

On the sleep, I think it is from me playing bejeweled the last few weeks before bed. It calms me, but I also get my mind going. I have moved the computer back into the office (it was in my room because S would mess with it). Now I won't do that stuff before bed.

4 day work week then pictures on Friday, easter egg hunt on Saturday, and easter on Sunday then spring break! Yeah! Plus I already have half my spring cleaning done so I am very excited.