Moving Foward

[Kemper]

@Nikblondiew,

I still ask those questions on a daily basis if not a couple of times a day. Sometimes I wish I knew the answers and others I don't.

As the cylces progress I look back over the last 7 months and can clearly see the signs that I missed. That makes me even more mad, not only at myself but at my W for her behavior.

Do I love my W, yes. Do I want her back in my life, I don't know anymore.

[Cie la vie]

Kemp,

Welcome back. Sorry to see that your sitch has continued to deteriorate.

My W moved out shortly after you took a breather from the boards and although it isn't a good development overall it has provided me with a greater opportunity to truly detach. The tension and awkwardness associated with being under the same roof and the OM horse sh1t circulating around was unhealthy.

Yes, the initial week or two following the move out will recharge some of the emotional baggage you might have had a handle on prior to the move out but you will get a new handle on it soon enough. You will also slowly start to feel better than you did while under the same roof.

I'm not sure what kind of arrangements you and the W have made regarding your sons but I suggest you develope a game plan for the additional time alone you will have on your hands.

In my sitch the kids rotate on a 2/2/3 schedule and when you have the kids you will probably be way to busy to dwell on the f'd up situation you are in. However, when you don't have em you'll want to occupy as much of that free time alone with plenty of activities. I'm still in need of filling some of that free time. When it isn't filled my mind tends to wander in to the abyss.

I have for the most part gone NC and as dark as is possible given the kid factor. The W seems to be following a similiar game plan. Since she moved out (1/26) I have seen her only one time outside of our mediation sessions and we have exchanged a handful of text messages. All contact has been centered around the kids. We have been cordial with eachother I continue to treat her nicely when we are around eachother.

So far the kids seem to be okay with the new arrangements. They probably understand more than I or she gives them credit for. They often ask "where is mommy" when they are with me and I assume the reverse happens at her place. It saddens me greatly that they will not grow up in a normal family household but I try not to dwell on that reality.

My sitch started in early Oct. with the W filing for D and we are now in draft settlement stage with the mediator. From what the mediator is saying will be D by June.

[dwinter82]

Hey Kemp,

I am not sure about the Easter "party" but IMO I would at least do the Easter church thing. I know you W is doing some cake eating but it is a special day and the kids deserve to have you around, especially since the separation is so recent. Put everything to the side for a moment and enjoy it for yourself and the kids.

Afterwards, re-enter reality, stick to your boundaries (e.g. parenting plan, no contact, etc), move on, and DB if you so desire.

[Kemper]

Cie la vie,

I just finished catching up on your sitch. So funny that dwinter82 posted to your thread on 02/05/10 @ 7:19 about Vegas. As I was catching up on everyone's thread I was thinking the exact same thing.

As far as Facebook goes if you don't want to be tempted to view her information then just defriend her. I did that with my W and couldn't be happier that I have no clue what she is posting.

As of right now I have the boys every other weekend and on Tuesday night for the weeks that I don't have them the upcoming weekend.

I have been thinking a bunch since Saturday. The reason it was Saturday is because I drove down to the lake to pick up our boat since I am trying to unload it. That was the place where the bomb was dropped and it was the first time I have been back since. It brought back a ton of emotions. Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I do NOT want my W back.

This is the second time since we met that she has pulled this crap (e.g. running away) and not facing issues and I honestly don't want to have a person like that in my life. I do NOT want to be her friend or associate. I will be neighborly to her when I am around but I will not choose to be around her unless it is necessary.

I value the input that has been provided but I decided tonight that I will not be attending the Easter party or sitting with her in Church. This is the bed she made and she needs to lay in it.

Going to catch up on dwinter82's sitch now.

[ClingingToHope]

Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I do NOT want my W back.

For the longest time I thought I'd settle for her wanting to work on things because of finances or the kids. I finally feel now the only way I'd take her back is if she did a total 180 and wanted all of me back.

I know there's not even a .00000001 percent chance of that. The die is cast. It's time to move forward.

[Cie la vie]

K,

Vegas is nice this time of year weather wise 70's and 80's. I haven't been out their in a year of two.

My facebook page is really non-existent I haven't added a single friend to it yet and the only reason I am able to look at hers is through my mom's friends list which my W is one of. I just need to be disciplined in avoiding the temptation to look.

Your parenting schedule is pretty typical of a SAHM deal. What sort of things do you do to keep yourself busy to avoid thinking of your sitch?

Over the last few days I have come to the realization that I do NOT want my W back.

I know how you feel not sure I am there yet but for me it is likely a moot point. I don't see my W coming back and should she it will likely be at least a couple of years down the road. I'm quite sure I will be long gone at that point anyway.

I'm not interested in being my W friend post D but I do intend to be friendly primarily for the sake of the kids. She mentioned to me in one of our recent mediation sessions that she wants to able to sit with me at our daughters future dance recitials. Not sure I'm going to be interested in that either.

The Easter weekend could present a interesting dilemma for me as well. We have tradionally held an Easter party and egg hunt at our home. The W causaly floated that holiday and how we wanted to handle it a while back. It's her weekend with the kids so I'll let her make the ovature. My sense is she won't and I'm inclined to pass on any gatherings with her at this point.

I took a moment the other night to get reacquainted with your sitch and we share a a lot of the same issues. Lets keep eachother abreast of the developments and hopefully we can aide eachother through the garbage pile.

Have a good one.

[dwinter82]

CLV and Kemp, I am going the other direction on Easter, although my sitch is a little different. I am allowing the egg hunt at my house. I told the EX it was not the role of the OM (at least not yet) to spend special days with the kids during family type functions...that is still my role!! Suprisingly she agreed and went on to mention how wonderful it will be for all of us to spend Easter together. She still wants the best of both worlds; for us to be friends while she has another man in her life (I guess he is no longer the OM since we are now D...that is my new role now.

I am still up for Vegas!!

[Cie la vie]

DW,

I really haven't been given and opportunity to pick a direction on Easter. My W hasn't brought the topic up since she briefly mentioned it about a month ago. My guess is she will avoid bringing it up with me and take the kids to her sisters to celebrate the holiday with her family. Her entire immediate family lives within a a 30 minute drive of us/me.

Having the party and egg hunt at our soon to be sold home amongst the neighbors who have always joined in on the hunt would be extremely awkward. I feel bad that I won't be able to join in with my kids as this will really be the first hunt where they'll understand what is happening.

If my stich was closer to yours currently I would be inclined to take your approach to it. I would be surprised if my W latest OM is far enough along with her that she would be comfortable bringing him around her family and more importantly my kids. I could be wrong.


By the way Vegas is a hop skip and jump away for me.

[ClingingToHope]

She mentioned to me in one of our recent mediation sessions that she wants to able to sit with me at our daughters future dance recitials.

I don't want to be my stbxw's friend either, but I probably will sit with her at stuff like this. I think I will for the simple fact that the best revenge is a life well lived and I'm feeling better about things every day. Maybe it's because it's spring, but I'm miles ahead of where I was 10 1/2 months ago. W's troubles are ahead of her. I feel many of mine are behind me.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

W's troubles are ahead of her. I feel many of mine are behind me.

I agree the best revenge is to live well and be happy. I intend to do my best to accomplish both these tasks. I certainly feel better on a weekly basis with some bumps in the road as we continue to move forward. I'm not so sure I can make the same statement about my W having more trouble ahead. She will always have a financial safety net in place (her wealthy brother). And she seems happy and content with her current life. Not sure what will change those conditions.

As for sitting side by side at critical events involving my children a lot depends on her future behavior. At this juncture I will not be next to her period. It will be a while before any critical events arise anyway so it is premature for me to speculate on what my mindset will be.