how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks, lolawar.

he has taken a bit of an "i screwed up so much we can't fix this" attitude and maybe it's best if i don't respond. i think he just felt bad about the way our last conversation ended and didn't want to wait until sunday to attempt to smoothe things over.

he didn't ask me anything specific...i'll definitely think about changing my approach. thanks!

[Onthemountaintop]

If you choose to reply, which maybe good at telling him that you have not thrown in any shoes, maybe limit it to a single point.

ex...
- I feel comforted that you care enough to not leaving things hanging (your empathy isn't something to run from, it is a value)

- Your love for me is amazing, which is why I think we can work things out into a wonderful & forgiving marriage (trust me and we'll do this better)

- Sometimes your love is so powerful that comments are hard to forgive, but they are being forgiven. (I am not will forgive you)

I don't know if these suggestions are true for your sitch, or of benefit. You know well enough that I'm not a fan of going dark.

Yesterday, W and I managed to survive with me in a massive pit of gloom. At night, she told me she thinks she should sleep in our son's room (as she did the previous night) for the next few months.

Calmly, I said that I didn't agree that would be good, and that I wanted her to sleep next to me as we make our marriage better. I added that I didn't want to let anything else get worse.

Guess what - she did share the bed, and I took a cautious step after another...and I'll leave it to say my hug grew. She has now taken a good step back from the separation she asked for (again!) two days ago. If I went to GAL and hope she turned to me, I don't think it would've gotten anywhere.

Ya, I know you are separated. But the amount that he texts, going to IC, the calls and emails, they all add up. They also make me wonder, TTA, about the following questions:

1. Is/was there an EA or PA or some other thing that he is afraid to admit? Maybe he can't bear to tell you...one more failure to deal with. I don't think this is the case, but I wonder. I doubt asking him would get you anywhere, but maintaining an atmosphere of forgiveness and acceptance might let him see you can (if you can) grow past anything.

2. Is he depressed?

3. Could MC tell him that you really want to be married and will do anything. At the very least, in MC, he may let on to the problems that he is dealing with during IC so you could see the whole picture.

4. He may think...she's not begging, so she must not care. I wonder if love messages are in order because he gives them to you. MWD talked about saying ILY to someone who doesn't as hurtful. He is in pain without you (he says), that sounds like love. Can you include messages of love in all messages?

5. Can asking him to hold off on S or D papers be a bad thing? I think if he knows you aren't stopping him, but that you don't want it, that's great. When I think my W wants

6. Maybe cut off a form of communication, or better could you limit it to responses when you get home so you and he aren't affected at work? My work has gone so downhill that having thinking time at work is OK, but responding calmly to mid day messages would be really too much. Is it too much for you or do you love those connections?

7. Can you meet instead of call? I find a call so much easier to be less intimate. Why not invite him over or to a cafe?

So my comments are really the opposite - take them with care and caution. It is your M and I'm not M expert!

Either way...good luck and may God make things easy for you.

[JacT]

am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people. She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team alift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since. He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind. Any views.Thanks for listening

[trytryagain]

am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people. She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team alift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since. He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind. Any views.Thanks for listening

i think you may have meant to post this in the newcomers section as a new topic? if you haven't already, i'd repost it there, or else you probably won't get many answers buried in my thread.

[JacT]

Thanks I have posted it there dont know what I have done..

[talia]

HI TTA,
Sorry I've missed so much - I feel like you were a little alone this last week! I'm glad CB stopped by.

If it makes you feel any better.. I turned 28 in Dec and since the upstairs part of my renovation was done I decided to throw myself a party! It was fun - just small becuase I didn't invite anyone who was a "mutual" friend with H. I didn't need the drama. It was great and really fun. My H texted me the day before (the day of the party) to say "Happy Birthday Tomorrow"... Classy.

Your overwhelming feelings are totally normal - don't let them scare you. Embrace the suck as CB says. Its ok to feel everything you have describe... Just don't make your decisions based on those feelings. Definitely make another appt with IC - I'm a HUGE advocate of that... as you know. Its helped me a TON to talk through this and deal with my feelings. Its made the entire difference in how well I've handled it.....

Hang in there. Keep DBing... Wait.. see what happens...

(((TTA)))

T

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia. i'm doing my best to hang in there. i know i'm going to have my rough days every now and then. i am looking forward to my 30th bday party, but like i said...at the same time, it's like it's looming over my head that my H won't even be there. i'm doing my best to embrace the suck and not let it get me down. in fact, i have been complemented on how good i look no less than 5 times today. that feels pretty damn good!

no word from my H since his email yesterday saying he didn't want to leave things hanging. i'm not going to let it get to me. have plans tonight with my sister and tomorrow with a group of friends from my service trip.

sometimes i do just wish i would wake up from all of this and have a chance to work on making my marriage what i know it could be. i'm just so afraid my H won't even give us that chance.

[trytryagain]

otm...thanks for your thoughts. i did respond to him briefly and said that i was glad that he hadn't left things hanging. i clearly stated that all i wanted was a chance for us to see if things could work.

i have wished so many times in the last few months that i could have the chance to sleep next to him again. we haven't shared a bed since the night my grandmother passed away and he held me all night while i cried (which was early january). even before moving out he slept on the couch or upstairs at a male friend's. i don't even have the chance to make that one cautious step that might lead to another...and it's killing me. it's been almost 3 months since we ML and i feel so physically disconnected from him it hurts.

[trytryagain]

feeling especially low today...not sure why. NC yesterday and i know he saw his IC on wednesday. just sort of overwhelmed by all of this today, i'm letting my inner pessimist get the best of me. must be the weather. anyway, i do have plans tonight and i worked out with my sister yesterday, so i'm doing my best to keep up my focus on gal. but i do have days where i feel like when i'im doing the gal thing, i'm just filling a void and everyone around me can tell i'm faking my smile.

i feel like my heart weighs 100 pounds today. i won't indulge myself, but i could very easily end up face down on the couch tonight in tears. that kind of day.

my rational mind is assuring me that i'll be fine and that no matter what happens, i will solider on and get through this. my emotional mind, however, is feeling like a big fat sad sack today and that's really weighing me down. i know i'll have fun out with my friends tonight, but that seems like a long way away and how on earth will i fill my time not thinking about my H until then...

i miss my husband.

[lolawar]

It must be the weather..I am in the NE and I feel EXACTLY the same today. Blah!!!! I have felt good all week so this is kind of a set back. I have negative thoughts crowding my head today too. It started before I even woke up...had a dream of my H leaving me for the OW. VIVIDLY.

I haven't reached out to my H..but we haven't been NC.. he has been reaching out to me. I haven't heard from him today yet..but after that awful dream- I am fighting myself on contacting him. I am trying to remind myself that I want to contact him out of neediness..and that is not what I want to do.

When the negative thoughts surround you like a storm cloud..it is difficult to find something positive to think about..but that is exactly what needs to be done. People pick up on your negative energy..which often makes the day go from bad to worse. Try to be positive to attract some positive energy to move you out of the slump...that is my goal this morning...although I too would prefer to be curled up in bed.

Have a fun night out.