I don't know that I have ever told this on the board, but my H & I started having our first problems shortly after we M and it was mostly due to his mother. I was very young and tried hard to win her approval, but I was never good enough. I could not bear for her to find fault with me, so I was in for a bad time of it.
I can look back and see where I was very immature and wish I could redo some things, but until the day she died.....I felt she was first priority in my H's life. I was insecure and handled things unwisely at times. He was always seen as the "good guy" and I was the bad guy. I soon began to resent that very much.
It has nothing to do with honor & obey.......it is in a category all its own. A man doesn't even have to be spoiled or act like a brat to be a mamma's boy. My H was very sweet, kind hearted, etc. but his mother always had her way in our lives. I used to call her the Queen Bee. She ruled and the family knew it!
It's a very long story, but I can tell you this much......you will not be happy if he is a "mamma's boy". I hope you know what I mean. He takes more time for her than anyone else, listens to her advice over anybody else, does more for her....and so on and so on. He never ever tells her "no" under any circumstances and forget about taking a stand or defending his W if mamma says something against her.
And of course, mamma takes full advantage of her "boy" (and if I have to explain what I mean by that....then you aren't M to a mamma's boy).
A woman who is M to a mamma's boy feels like the only reason he M her is simply for sex b/c otherwise "mamma" was his choice in everything else. Yes, I know how you feel when you say you feel that MIL is the OW......I felt the same way until my MIL passed away. I really had to "choose" to forgive her for all the horrible pain that I suffered at her hands. I knew if I didn't forgive her that I would continue to be resentful.
I have referred to my resentment toward my H and what a struggle I had in deciding to stay in my M......well, that was the biggest part of it. Other members of the family (even my own children) told me that he would not defend me whenever his mother would say something nasty about me. Over many years, that starts to take quite a toll.
I have never said this before, but I know exactly how you feel when you said it's like your H has an EA with MIL. I understand it is not sexual.....but it is emotional and it does give her a position in his life that should be reserved for you. I felt the same way. Some may say it is jealousy but I think every woman wants to know that she is the most important person to her H. The scripture tells a man (not the woman) to leave his mother & father and cleave to his W. Mine never did until she was dead.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but unless he decides he wants you more than anyone else and will place you first in his life.....your life will probably have more than its fair share of misery that you shouldn't have to deal with. You have my sympathy.
If anyone scolds me for what I've said, then you can bet they weren't M to a "mamma's boy".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
