Dude, I CAN help w/that! How's your personal budget?
The additional information from Rob is what I thought we'd get from him (not that your softer side isn't hott once in awhile, ROB...), and I knew it would be spot on!
Fergie, read, re-read, execute. )
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Hey, FWIW, women, in particular, are pretty body conscious. I can tell you from experience. I can't remember what I've shared, but I'll tell you again, if so!
I played D1 tennis and was on the dance team at Northwestern. Always fit. Had the kids, weight was up and down. Never too far up, though... The most weight I gained, even during three pregnancies was 12lbs. (I hurled non-stop - TMI Iknow). So, when a few years back my weight started slowly adding up, and not coming off as easily as it had in the past... I started to feel like sh*t. AND, couple that w/my H ALWAYS being in shape, never showing age, etc... God, help! I need a noose!
So, btw, I'm only 3lbs away from my goal weight, and guess who is starting to feel good about myself again? And, guess who's not looking quite as hot anymore?
So, don't discount your FITNESS affect on her. It's not your fault, unless you're consciously making her feel like a damn blob.
I'd be more considered w/her lack of desire to participate.
MOVE ON... She may just MOVE towards you!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Tough stuff to hear. I've kinda been comforted by having her stuff is here. It makes me think she is considering returning. But then I think how lazy, procrastinating, and conflict avoidant she is and chalk it up to that. It is just to difficult for her to do, so she avoids it. I guess I need to help her with that.
Read that part I highlighted above, your wife knows this about you, because you've been pursuing her and she is in control right now and you aren't in control. So her leaving her stuff behind keeps you in line, you'll be a good little boy should she decide to return if she decides at all. She doesn't feel this way, especially when she's having an affair, she is emotionally driven, her feelings are leading the way here, not logic while you're logic is leading the way here. Your logic: she left her things here, maybe she will come back, why else would she leave her things behind? At least now I can continue hoping she'll come back.
Reality, observe reality, follow reality. If she wants to leave, her feelings are telling her to leave, so let her, going against her feelings is going against her so don't go against her feelings, agree with them.
"Wife you're right, it's not working out, we should go our separate ways, you should be with the other guy, in fact I hope you're happy with him, time for me to find someone else too, I hope it works out for you, no hard feelings, bye."
She wants to move out, help her. Pack her things in boxes, put all of her stuff on the driveway or in the garage, send her an email telling her that you've done her a favor and packed up all of her things and put them in boxes for her, you're doing some clean up in the house and if you find anything else, before you throw it out, you'll send her a list of things that you're getting rid of. Don't tell her why you're cleaning up the house, she will ask, trust me. When she asks, same day, a day or two later or a week later, you will tell her that you are cleaning up the house and turning it into a bachelor's pad, getting it ready because you started dating again too and wanted the house to look like a single person lives there ;-)
That is what I am asking myself daily. Some days I get angry and think let some other sap have her. But then I remember the good times. Keep in mind, you are only getting one side of the story. I hope I'm not coloring the sitch too much in my favor.
I'm sure she would apply a lot of her own negative adjectives to me. Maybe I'm a codependent and I am addicted to helping. I need to be needed. I can fix almost anything, maybe I think I can fix this, too.
She would say in WAS-speak, she has felt alone for years. I don't talk to her. When she is on the road and calls to check in, I don't want to talk to her. When she gets home, it is like I don't care if she is there or not. I've said some snarky remarks to reinforce that "it not mattering if she is there or not". And that I won't support her in her social events.
She is smart, kind, and I want to say considerate (just not always towards me). She incredibly driven when it comes to work. I'm stupid proud of her accomplishments in her career.
We still have fun together, as long as it is something she wants to do and within her comfort zone.
This has been a long time coming. Years ago her mother (who also works outside the home) told her she needed to work less and spend time with her H. She was very upset at that.
I guess I still love her despite our differences.
I know its easy to see how you've failed in every respect with your spouse. We've all been there, alot of us will take 100% responsibility for the failure of the relationship.
But.... that's a trap.
You didn't do everything wrong. There's 2 of you in that relationship, there's a shared mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship & marriage. If she was a workaholic, if she's always negative, if she's never nice to you, if she never wants to do things with you or share in your hobbies or other good positive things with you, after a while, you're going to stop trying, it's human nature, you can try jamming that square peg into that round hole a million times but after a while you will get the hint, it doesn't fit so stop trying. I get that vibe from you that your marriage went something like that so don't beat yourself up too much.
In fact, turn that frown upside down boy, it's time for you to shine.
If your wife wants to have an affair with another man, I think it's time for you to start considering casual dating, nothing serious and I'm not telling you to go out and hump the first skirt you go out on a date with but you need to give her a taste of her medicine ;-)
I'm curious about what W was like while you were dating
I met her before she started her career. She was…. fun. Interested in things outside her comfort zone. When I met her I used to go canoe camping a lot in the summer. She was really up for that, since it was something she had never done. But even then she felt guilty because I had to pack everything, prepare the meals, and carry the heavy loads.
Once she started working, I could tell she started changing. It soon became more about hotels and restaurants, and a lot less about bugs and rain. She would never go on a camping trip now. Yet she has a friend who is in fish and wildlife management and a real outdoors guy. He and I have a lot in common. We might be talking, and to be part of the conversation, she will brag to him about how much she likes wilderness camping and the trips we have been on (as if we are still going on them) and I’m looking at her like, “who the **** are you?!?”
Another short story. Where I live there is an outdoor beer festival held annually. I had some friends going one year and asked if she wanted to go. No, of course, because it was really out of her comfort zone. The next year that same fish guy friend was going with some of his friends. She’d love to go. Then he moved away. The next year,”Hey want to go?” What do you think the answer was?
So, I see some of that confidence. If there is an event, and I can tell it may not be something she actually will like doing, for her friends she will make the effort. For me…. meh.
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Or you're REALLY a fixer who goes after wounded women in order to be their savior.
Nice analysis, Pearl. I don’t know. I think a lot of me searches to have that need for adoration filled. Maybe wounded women fulfill that need more readily (at least at first). I think I might be setting the bar too high.
I know its easy to see how you've failed in every respect with your spouse. We've all been there, alot of us will take 100% responsibility for the failure of the relationship.
But.... that's a trap.
You didn't do everything wrong. There's 2 of you in that relationship, there's a shared mutual responsibility for the health of the relationship & marriage. If she was a workaholic, if she's always negative, if she's never nice to you, if she never wants to do things with you or share in your hobbies or other good positive things with you, after a while, you're going to stop trying, it's human nature, you can try jamming that square peg into that round hole a million times but after a while you will get the hint, it doesn't fit so stop trying. I get that vibe from you that your marriage went something like that so don't beat yourself up too much.
In fact, turn that frown upside down boy, it's time for you to shine.
If your wife wants to have an affair with another man, I think it's time for you to start considering casual dating, nothing serious and I'm not telling you to go out and hump the first skirt you go out on a date with but you need to give her a taste of her medicine ;-)
Good advice. You are very helpful, Rob. And the upbeat attitude really helps. Any advice on the MC?
advice on marriage counselling? yeah I'll give you some advice, right now your wife is in a fog, so your counsellor can eat butterflies and poop out rainbows but it ain't gonna change your situation one bit, you can continue to go just to maintain contact with your wife and everytime you go, show up super happy, content with life, relaxed, no stress, upbeat, basically world champion type attitude because she is expecting you to be depressed and hurt and destroyed.
How do you maintain "the awesome" under a fire of questions?
You maintain it with superior game, attitude and mindset, just because someone asks questions and says words that you don't like doesn't mean they should throw you off your game. They are just words, they don't have blades attached to them which pierce your skin when they are spoken to you.
If someone asks about your feelings, you don't have to tell them if you don't feel comfortable. Just say "hey I'm not really comfortable answering that right now" or "I'm feeling great, I hope she does well with her new guy, I'm doing great in my life too"
Someone once said on this site(and I don't know who, so don't ask), fake it til you make it! The idea is this, you feel like you aren't this awesome person with an awesome life right now, we get it, we understand that, but pretend anyways. At first it sucks because it isn't real but you put that f!@#$%* smile on your face and strut like Travolta and laugh about it, and then you know what, you enjoy that laughing, that feeling that comes with that silliness, it's enjoyable, so you keep on doing it because you like how it feels. After a while of faking it, you don't have to fake it, smiling and feeling awesome just happens to come naturally because you've been training yourself to do this while you were faking it and you've learned that making yourself happy and feeling awesome is totally within the realm of your abilities and ultimately your responsibility, no one else's.
You are awesome, not because I'm telling you that you are, because you really are, you just have to convince yourself to look a little harder in the mirror til you see it.
