"Still, I need a good idea of how to respond to all this late-night communication going on between H and OW. I want it to stop, i feel it is inappropriate, but I don't want to push them into going even more secretive with their communication. I don't want to be the jealous harpy wife either (although that's what I feel like at the moment)."
LJ, I don't think it matters what you do or don't do at the moment. Ten years ago when my husband was having the first (?) of a few affairs, I felt the same as you. He accused me of not being able to communicate. I really made huge changes in my own behaviour, and that was good, but I also realized his complaints were fabrications, and excuses.
In the past four years or so, I've been the model of calmness and kindness toward him, and his affairs continued -- he new excuse? nobody's at fault here, we're just incompatible. So you see, it wouldn't m atter what you did or didn't do, he's hellbent (and I choose that word advisedly) on doing what he wants. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DO.
It's really hard but try to avoid being drawn into fights, because YOU end up feeling AWFUL afterward, and he has his ridiculous "proof."
