I have no idea. She dropped the bomb on a Tuesday night. The whole thing just felt in my gut like there was an affair going on. I asked specifically, "Are you having an affair?". She said,"No. Well, I'm talking to a guy online. But, no." She already had a bag packed and said she was going to stay in a hotel until she could look at an apartment on Friday. Then she paid me the ultimate insult and said, "You're going to be okay, right? You're not going to hurt yourself?"
I corresponded with her over email and phone that week. Pleading with her to go to C. We had a Friday appointment and I just went in and took the blame for everything. Set up IC for me and couples C in three weeks. C saw the real sitch after my first session and called to schedule an IC with W.
Here is where it gets interesting. She told me she would call in a few days and then fell off the face of the planet. Her mother called me frantically and said that neither she or my W's sister could get a hold of my W. She finally turned up Sunday night and was in a hotel (allegedly because she had cheaper corporate rates, yeah right...)in a town nearby the OM.
One cryptic thing she said in the Friday couples C session was,"There are guys interested in my body type." I didn't know quite how to take that.
One thing is for sure. She was very defiant on Friday. Much more subdued on Monday. I don't know what happened. I may never know. My gut is telling me something happened that weekend. I'd prefer to believe it was a simple date and not love at first sight. I'd rather not think of the alternative.
She moved some of her things out on that Monday and the following Friday. She took very little. A few baskets of clothes, tv, personal items. She did not take stuff she said she would or stuff we have duplicates of (dishes, pots & pans, towels). In fact 3/4 of her stuff is still here, but she did take almost all of her "marital aids". That haunts me. She leaves her clothes, but takes those... To be honest, I'm not sure they weren't gone the previous Friday.
The Friday she moved, I was cool and a cucumber and she commented positively on our conversation. Then Saturday I got too relationship-y. Sunday was our date which went positively.
So, you guys are the experts. Friday before: men-find-me-sexy. Next Friday: going-for-coffee-with-STBX.
It is not that I don't believe in D. This is actually my second go-around. I was married for about 5 minutes when I was 21. Ex-W had an A with her coworker. I walked in on it happening. That was an experience, let me tell you. So this ain't my first rodeo. But I do know what my gut tells me and it tells me something happened, but I'm not sure what. I may never know for certain. I'm willing to work past this, but I am coming to the realization I need to figure out what is waiting for me on the other side. I just know I don't want to go back to our previous marriage.
There is one thing I told her. I said I look at my life in chapters. There is the chapter when I lived with my family. The chapter when I went to school, had my first marriage, and grew into adulthood. And the third chapter was with her. And now that has ended. I'm starting my next chapter now. And I can write anything I want to. I'd prefer to write it with her. But if I can't I already know I can survive this. I will be sad for a while, but I'll move on and meet someone new. I just know from experience it is a tough road. Actually, I guess either way it will be a tough road.
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First things first, you have to deal with her affair.
Wow. I guess you can put me solidly in the Gandhi Approach. I've already done exactly that. I just didn't know there was a name for it. I was very diplomatic with it. I went with the least offensive OEA charge and said, "I don't know what is going on. I have my suspicions, but I don't have any proof." She went home to her parents for the weekend. I'm not sure what, if anything, transpired. She does seem more compliant.
Well, that is a lot more info. Anything I should be doing in the meantime?
--Fergie
First thing, if alot of her stuff is still in your home, do her a favor and start boxing it up for her and put it in the garage or somewhere she can access it easily.
You can start redecorating the home, I would pick a new color of paint and start working on making the place new again, that's your new project and it will help keep you busy. Once that's done, re-arrange the furniture and make it look like YOU live there alone because now you do.
You can't pursue a WAW or WAS. You have to let them go. Always!
She is currently pursuing someone else. She's admitted to "talking" but you can bet a few bucks more that she has engaged in some type of physical contact with the OM. Trust that gut feeling, it exists for a reason, over thousands of years, human beings have learned to disregard intuition & instinct as we developed verbal and written communication. Like I said before, trust the gut feeling.
Don't analyze your interactions on a daily basis, you'll always be questioning yourself regularly and that won't feel good at all. No more relationship talk, don't appear insecure or weak or wussy like, those are huge attraction killers.
Her mentioning that there are guys that like her body type indicates to me that maybe she got the feeling from you that you didn't like her body type and she has found a man or men that like how she looks. It's quite possible that she has felt not good enough for you for a very long time, and she is enjoying the attention and external validation that these other men are giving her, it boosts her self-esteem, the catch is that external validation and it's effects are always temporary, by its very nature it has to be, it's dependant on someone providing her with attention and when that stops, her self-esteem will drop again.
Contact her when you've packed all her things in boxes and tell her when she can pick them up (and do this soon, she doesn't expect you to do this, she expects you to pursue, she knows you're worried, so time for you to throw her a curve ball), arrange a time for her to pick them up, tell her you would like this done asap and if she doesn't have an apartment yet, she can ask her mom or her sisters to store the stuff for her. You're now cleaning up the place and getting it ready to look like a bachelor's pad, if she can enjoy the single life, she needs to get the idea that you can too ;-)
What? No budget? Need help writing a grant, for something as sexy as an acoustic dispenser, individual tube labeler, scanners/readers, etc...? smile. You wouldn't shut me out! I'm a hoot, remember?!
I need to write an equipment grant, but I don't think you sell what I need. The piece of equipment I need fills a room. At the risk of losing my anonymity, my scientific field is looking at very small things at very high magnification.
Automation would be great, but I need more basic equipment. I could really use a new shaker table, centrifuge, and our balance probably came over on the Mayflower.
For the dress rehearsal, wear checkered flannel… definitely.
You don't sell those pills that are geared towards male enhancement do you? LOL!
And, I'm sorry to say this, but you have asked a few ways: Why the change in demeanor from MENDIGBODY'SLIKE MINE to COFFEEANDADONUT??? She got laid over the weekend! The edge is off! And, now... probably some guilt! You, yourself, said that she was at a hotel in a town close to the OM. I'm bad at math, but I can add! Fergie, I'm sorry, but that's my POV. Hopefully, I'm TOTALLY WRONG!
You're not wrong, you're totally right. Let her feel this guilt but the trick is not to let her off the hook, but act perfectly fine as in life is awesome for you, it couldn't be better. That you're no longer waiting around for her, if she wants the single life, you're going to enjoy it too.
You nailed it. I would have said she is just really lazy. But what is the difference really?
Rob, you nailed the actual sitch just like Pearl nailed her pov. Except the W has said more than once,"no matter what I've done in the past, that I'll not be good enough to earn your love." She also said she feels "inferior" to me. It's not even like I ask that much. She barely even tries.
Her top responses to conflict: 1. "I don't know why I bother." 2. "I just can't deal with that right now." 3. "It doesn't matter what I do."
I'm curious about what W was like while you were dating. She must have had some confidence or you wouldn't have been attracted to her. Or you're REALLY a fixer who goes after wounded women in order to be their savior.
Ultimately these are her issues and she has to deal with them. If she chooses to deal by throwing herself into her work and seeking attention from other men then she's taking the easy way out and looking for other things/people to make her happy. You can't do anything about that. What you can do is choose to live your own life, work on your own personal growth, and make yourself happy. If she doesn't want to go on that journey with you then so be it, her loss.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
You nailed it. I would have said she is just really lazy. But what is the difference really?
Rob, you nailed the actual sitch just like Pearl nailed her pov. Except the W has said more than once,"no matter what I've done in the past, that I'll not be good enough to earn your love." She also said she feels "inferior" to me. It's not even like I ask that much. She barely even tries.
Her top responses to conflict: 1. "I don't know why I bother." 2. "I just can't deal with that right now." 3. "It doesn't matter what I do."
She doesn't have to try because she feels for some reason that you've "settled" for her, like you had to drop down to her level so she didn't feel like she had to work up to your level.
Tough stuff to hear. I've kinda been comforted by having her stuff is here. It makes me think she is considering returning. But then I think how lazy, procrastinating, and conflict avoidant she is and chalk it up to that. It is just to difficult for her to do, so she avoids it. I guess I need to help her with that.
I think it might be very therapeutic for me to start that process of removing her from the house.
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start working on making the place new again
Not a problem. I can even get to some areas I’ve been meaning to remodel, like the closets.
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You have to let them go.
Got it!
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No more relationship talk
I’ve already dropped the R talk. I think I need to cut the talk down even more. Any ideas on how the conversation should go? I expect to be talking to her probably today. Do I even bring up scheduling C sessions? If I’m not supposed to go the MC without the OM discussed first, how do I even broach that? Is that something where she has to be begging to come back before I can even have any leverage to bring that out?
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It's quite possible that she has felt not good enough for you for a very long time
It is *definately* how she has felt. I don't get why. She is very unhappy about her body and is projecting. If she doesn't like her body, how could anyone else?
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Contact her when you've packed all her things
It will be tough to do, but I think you are right. It is the right move.
Thanks Rob, for the action oriented things I should be doing *now*.
