Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

I completely agree with your comment. I specifically didn't say "have a good time" b/c I did want to condone it, but you're right, I was trying to say something back. Saying don't go crazy probably still wasn't the best message either, but I think from his comments back, he could tell I was annoyed. I threw the "be safe" part in there only b/c I know alot of people who don't normally drink do go out to "celebrate", so it can get pretty crazy and scary out there. Yeah, probably still didn't handle that all the best, but I'm still learning.

So yesterday, I wasn't initiating anything, so I feel like H was trying just to throw things out there to talk to me. First I get a text that says "I think I'm still drunk". Me- (thoroughly annoyed from his stupid comment, esp after the day I had) "Glad I'm not you". A while later, H - "BTW, you looked really good the last time we hung out". Me - "thanks. So did you". Then nothing until that night: H - "how is S doing". (My phone was acting up and the text didn't come in until the next one came an hour later). H - "no text back?". I told him that my phone was acting up, but that S was doing good but had been very fussy this week. He responds that he missed S. I asked him when he planned on seeing S and he said probably not until saturday b/c he has been having to work so late. I reply that we'll look forward to seeing him on Saturday then. I realized I just shot myself in the foot a bit there regarding tonight b/c I was thinking later, on Friday's, he's always comes over too late to see S, but comes to see me, so of course he wouldn't see him until Sat. I don't know if he was planning on seeing me or not, but i probably pushed him off now anyways. Oh well. So anyways, then he finally asks how I'm doing and I tell him I had quite the scare that day, so enough texting, so I called and told him about the whole vision lost thing. He agreed how scary that was and then we hung up and I went to bed. I don't really to know what to make of it all. It seems like he's trying to still recconnect but I don't know. I guess we'll just see what the weekend holds.

[Lucky11too]

So the weekend...H texted me late Friday afternoon to ask how I was doing, then to see if I wanted to do anything that night. I said sure but that I was tired and just wanted to stay in and watch a movie. He never responded back (omg, that just irks me so much when he doesn't respond!) so I just went about my day. I think it was good though that I let and that H did initiate all the contact last week. So finally later that night he texts me that he's off and he comes over. The idea was to go to sleep early so that he could get up early and see S since he hadn't seen him all week. We went to bed early but then H woke up at 3 and couldn't go back to sleep. That completely thru everything off and he ended up sleeping all morning and then S had his nap, so H only got to see him for like 20 mins before he had to leave for work. It's frustrating that he can't just get over it and get up and spend time S. Yes, he may be a little tired, but I'm tired every day of my life waking up early with S. Deal with it! The night went ok. He mentioned that he felt like he hadn't seen me for a long time (1 week). He hadn't done this for a while, but he threw some snide comments in there about me leaving again. I just ignore those comments b/c it's not even worth it to fight it, but it's still annoying. He also told me about his St Patrick's day. He said all his guy friends bailed out, so he went out with one of his co-workers and her boyfriend. He said he wasn't drinking that much but when they went back to his sports bar afterwards, everyone wanted to buy a drink (you know b/c he's just so popular. Omg, this guy and his huge head!)

Last night, my aunt and uncle took us out to this nice restaurant. H was still there when we were getting ready, and although he didn't say it specifically, I could tell he was a little upset that he couldn't go. Since he's always going out without me, it felt good though. I know it's bad, but he should know how what it feels like. Dinner was great and I texted with H a little later. He wasn't real responsive but he did say "good night sexy" when I said good night to him.

I'm not sure when I'm going to see him again though. Today he said he was helping his guy friend move. Which reminds me, so yesterday, that friend calls to ask H to help him to move and I can hear that it's a guys voice. But H, just to be a punk, b/c he loves to try to get me (that is supposed part of his ADD that likes to cause conflict and drama) says that it was OW1 calling. Just to make a point back, I say it better not be and b/c they aren't even friends anymore that they shouldn't talking. H responds that they are "frenemies". So just to make myself clear, I reminded him that me and OW are mutually exclusive! He replies that that's good that he's not seeing either one of us then. Uh, really, what do you think we're doing then. I sure most of it is to just get at me, but it's still frustrating, and gets me thinking. It still concerns me that OW1 still works with H and wish she would just disappear for good back to her own hometown and stay out of mine!

[awest1217]

Why would H say it is OW1 to make you upset? Very immature and disrespectful. Really think about boundaries. Although H is getting closer to you, you need to have clear boundaries about how you want to be treated because it is very rude to treat you that way.

Glad he did come over, but it seems like it is less and less. I know you are really busy and waiting on the surgery, but watch the boundaries because you don't want to slip back into supporting his bad habits.

Have a good week! I hope it is less busy.

[Lucky11too]

He does that not to make me upset but just to get a rise out of me. My best defense is just not responding to it, but this time I did a little, just to make a point about OW (that if he wants to have any sort of R with her [friendship/frenemies/whatever] that he will not have a R with me). I've read from my ADD books that people with ADD (men especially), like to cause drama and feed their need for adreneline, and H seems to fit right in to that all. It's just not me he does it too, he does it to everyone. He plays these "jokes" on like his co-workers and stuff and thinks it's just so funny, but really, it's just mean (and I let him know that). That's why I'm hoping that if he gets his ADD under control (hopefully with get his sleep apnea under control, but if not, hoping he'll explore meds) that this kind of mean streak will subside. I guess only time will tell now.

Yes, I didn't see him at all last week, but I wasn't expecting to. Since it was the kick off of March Madness, he ended up working every day and extra hours on top of his usual days. This week should be slightly less busy and then the next even slightly less, so it will be interesting to see if he starts to make the effort again.

H is making the effort though to initiate the contact still. H texts me last night to ask how my day was. I suppose I can't always let him initiate it b/c I could see him getting discouraged that I don't care or whatever, but it's good to be pursued a little now.

Overall, I'm feeling a little discouraged. I definitely want to give it all a chance and let H have the surgery, etc, but honestly, I just don't ever think he really is gong to change. It seems like you are who you are and although you can make some various changes, deep down, you're the same person as formed and shaped since your childhood. H's family all drinks, so why would H be any different? H's dream is to own his own sports bar, so those hours and that lifestyle that he is surround with now is never going to change. He tried to tell me when he first started working there over 2.5 years ago that he wouldn't be affected by all that - but guess what, he most absolutely has! So, I don't know, I need to give it this chance so I can know I gave it my all, but I don't see a way to have a happy ending after this all. I guess we'll see...

[Lucky11too]

H texts me last night to say that he took my birthday off! (Saturday in 2 weeks - April 3rd) Wow! (he rarely takes his saturday's off) Yay! So glad he's making the effort. Planning on just staying in and bbq-ing that night, since S is just getting too active for restaurants, but glad he wants to join us for that! =)

[awest1217]

AWESOME! My birthday is April 17...good month That really is some awesome progress. Even though everything is slow and in the future before reconciliation you do have a lot to discuss about his current lifestyle, but for right now...enjoy the great baby steps, and he planned this in advance. Major improvement.

[Lucky11too]

April is a good month for a birthday! =)

In other small baby steps, H bought me some formula yesterday for S (we mix half toddler formula and half regular milk). Obviously formula is not cheap, so I'm glad he finally pitched in!

I looked at a preschool today for S next fall and it can't come soon enough. It will be really good to get him out of the house (at in-laws) and playing with some kids his own age. Also good is that he will finally have some structure and discipline. I love my in-laws but am getting frustrated b/c they continue to not want to discipline S and let him run wild, despite my protests. I am trying not to cause waves, but it's frustrating!

[Lucky11too]

H is really making an effort this week. He text me in the middle of the day "hi" (which is extremely rare for him to do) and then he was there when I went to pick up S that night. Originally he wasn't going to come back with me to the house b/c he was going to go help one of his girl co-workers move who was getting kicked out of her place (not sure how I feel about that. Like i said before, I 'm glad he has a good heart and wants to help people, and I'm sure that's harmless, but still, at what point do oyu draw the line), but I guess that fell thru or he just didn't end up going and came over to see me and S instead. It went ok. Once again, H was really getting on my nerves. He's just such a selffish person and that continues to keep popping out.

Some of the things discussed - He told me about how he's picking up a new bartending shift to make more money and will pick up any other ones that come available. In my eyes, that means even less time for him to spend with S, but in his eyes, all he sees are dollar signs. It's sad. He did say though, that he now sees the value of trying to see S whenever he can, ever if it's just for an hour. I hope that's true and he follows thru on that then. On the negative side, I mentioned something about his dad, then he starts blaming me on how it's all my fault that his dad hates him b/c his dad hates him b/c I left him (uh, yeah, not sure how that makes any sense in his mind, but hello, his dad hates him b/c he's acting like an idiot and was abandoning that two best things in his life to go out and party! So how is this my fault again?) But anyways, I've learned not to engage him or try to argue with him, so i just said that that wasn't true and moved on.

Of real interest though, is that yesterday H got a noticed that his building was being foreclosed on and they would all have to move. To H, this is great. He already wanted to move out b/c his roommate was getting on his nerves but he didn't want to cause waves by moving out. So now he has an excuse to move and they're actually paying him to do so. So yesterday, he went out and already found a 1 bedroom appartment he wants to move into. It's hard b/c I know he is not in a state yet where we should move back together, but on the other hand, I fear that he may get too comfortable in this new place, and that will never happen.

Also yesterday, I told H I would call to make the appt for his surgery, but then when I discussed dates with him, he said he didn't want to do it until June now b/c of this whole move uncertainity. OMG, it's always something! Is this ever really going to happen?

Last frustration, going back to what I said in the above post, my Inlaws! Ug. When I was dropping off S this morning, S got really mad that I put up a new gate to stop him from going upstairs. My FIL was holding him, and he starts screaming and hitting him in the face. My FIL just sat there as S is slugging him in the face, so then finally out of frustration, I run over, grab S out of his arms and throw him in time out. They are creating a monster and basically undermining all the discipline I do when I'm with him. It's so frustrating! Counting down...5 months until preschool...

[Lucky11too]

So, just in... Sunday is the day. H's place is giving them a significant moving stiped if they move out before April 1st, so he took them up on it, found a 1 bedroom apartment down the street, got approved, and is moving in on Sunday. Yeah, fast, huh. We're talking 24 hour action! I guess when he has to, he can move fast b/c normally he drags his feet on everything! He was so anti-apartment when we were getting married that it's interesting to see him in one now...

[awest1217]

So what do you think about this? It could mean another whole year before he comes home because he would have to break a lease, if he signed a year long lease. It is good that he is starting to get some responsibility and have a lease in his name instead of rooming with friends, but what do you think? I am sure this is super frustrating since he is making progress and things are going well, but then this kind of says "not wanting to be the full-time family guy any time soon". I really feel for you.

Take some time to process how you do feel and now with H already moved maybe the surgery date can move up. That could be the silver lining to this dark cloud. ...trying...