Being in a spot where my hubby was done and now we are reconciled/ reconciling? There is this small part of me that wonders is he back b/c he has to, b/c he loves our children or is he back for me. I will ask him that and he reassures me (no A ever occurred in our sitch). It still is a nagging frustration that is definitely going away.
But I can see why the reassurance is important. You want something that is genuine and real. Not necessary. Does that make sense?
I want my hubby to be here because he wants to be with me, not because he sees no other alternative...
As for sex, have you ever paraded naked around him? Crazy I know, but does he notice? Jumped in the shower with him? Ever just plant a kiss on him and just grab him you know where? Is this too bold for you?
I mean have you ever aggressively initiated?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Thanks guys, I am wondering what kind of vibes I give out because I am not in such a bad place, I mean not worse than before at least. Granted my dizzy spells are driving me crazy and that I am noticing signs of depression (I mean everybody is depressed why cant I be depressed as well, right?), that my dad is fighting cancer and my mom has been really sad, the rest such as my kids, my work, etc are ok.
Anyway, june if I were his second choice, I would run. Simple as that. No I havent "grabbed him". It's not too agressive for me, I just dont feelt like it.
Ali, I know he chose me, but I havent seen signs of choosing me because of me or because of the package, I understand what you are saying and it is basically what I want to believe as well but he is missing supporting actions...
Bill, Settling is accepting a spouse back in to your home, even though they treat you the same way they did before they left. No, that is not the case. Before he left he acted as if he didnt want to be near me, he was mean, hurtful, disrespectful,...gone, now he is present, he is polite and caring and careful and tender. Not as much as I would like him to, but he is.
Settling is accepting a spouse who professes to be unable to be physically intimate with you without telling you the honest reason why. I think he doesnt even know why. He said twice we need to feel connected first, he told my GF at first, he is scared I will break down during LM and he cant handle that... I think we just hav eto start at some point. We got used to leaving that part of the R out of our routine for a while. I like sex. I am not living a sexless life, so that will be resolved, one way or another. That ALONE IS a dealbreaker for me
Settling is allowing someone to point the finger of blame at YOU for the relationship problems, either then or now, and accepting that they might be right. Bill, he was right about many things. If you go back to my threads -loooong back- you will see I knew exactly where I went wrong. And he has admitted where he has been wrong.
Yes, I believe that many settle. And no, I do NOT think settling is ever a good thing. EVER. Agreed. For me settling is living a life abandoning any hope for happiness. I am not there yet. I settle with his job schedule for example, big compromise for me. What forced me see through different eyes was the C. She asked me "if a man was able to make you happy from thousands of miles away, you realise your H can do that as well even if he works many hours? It will still be much more time than what you would have in a LDR". She was right. We'll see if he can do it.
Settling is KNOWING that a spouse is unwilling/unable to treat you the way you KNOW you need to be treated, and accepting them back anyway. Agreed. I know he is willing, I know he was able in the past, I am counting on him doing it again K
Thanks guys, I am wondering what kind of vibes I give out because I am not in such a bad place, I mean not worse than before at least. Granted my dizzy spells are driving me crazy and that I am noticing signs of depression (I mean everybody is depressed why cant I be depressed as well, right?), that my dad is fighting cancer and my mom has been really sad, the rest such as my kids, my work, etc are ok.
You don't seem like you're in a bad place Kalni. It just sounds like it's hard to deal with the insecurity of piecing on top of the stress of worries about your parents. Everyone wants reassurance when life foundations are shaken, and a parent being seriously ill is one of those times. Your body is giving you feedback and I'm glad that you're able to listen.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"I thought that most marriage recovery books state that affair must be discussed for healing to occur."
You keep harping on this. Yes.. It needs to occur. To me it is somewhat "situational". You have to know the "story".
"I love Dr. Phil's advice on recovery and Allen in infidelity is really posting some amazing excepts from recovery books. Really good stuff."
Dr Phil is a "hardliner". Best I can suggest for reading here is Lostpuppy. Kalni has not chosen this path. Why?.. I am not really sure. The issue becomes what is.. the best path for Kalni.
"Can you communicate by letters or emails? Rather then a conversation? That has always worked better for my hubby. He gets so anxious and upset that he wants to leave the room. Perhaps your husband is the same way?"
Kalni's man is more "girly". If you read around he has most of us men really confused. 9 out of 10 men would now be bending over backwards.. selling whatever we could.. to make Kalni ours. The confusing issue is why he is not! Talking, emails, any form of communication does not seem to work. Maybe Kalni is really "Crazy" in RL. This I don't know. I suspect she is kinda "Crazy".. but that is what I like about her!
"The red flag bothering me is no sex, Not sure how you are thinking about it."
LOL.. It is very obvious what she is thinking about that! As a clue.. his Love Language is NOT physical.
"This and the drama queen brings back memories."
Crazy Talk!
"in H's case, it wasnt just sex."
Like I did not know?
"I think that is what makes it more painful."
Of course it would.. Some might say it is that "Emotional" connection he shared with her. His actions.. have now affected your reaction!
"She wasnt just a girl he fancied and went to bed with. She was a relationship."
That is exactly what he was looking for. He found it. The kicker is that "somewhere" in that.. you stood out.
"He loved her."
He loves you more.. from what I see.
"She will always be one of the loves of his life. A big one judging by what he did to have her...."
What will he say about you.. 2-3 years from now?
"I have admitted I was in love and felt loved, but I wont share with him anything if he doesn't want to hear it."
Hmmm.. So he thought it not true.. somehow understood that it was.. now what does he not want to hear? <---- some signs in that statement.
"I agree with you. He needs to do work with me and I can lead him to."
Really?
"It's just that insecurity and resentment are making me feel bitter and hopeless often..."
Or is this winning?
"It was a fantasy an escape of sorts for whatever he couldn't really face. Why give it more weight then that?"
Amen!
"You seemed to have made progress towards achieving your goal...of saving your M...over the last few weeks. I've always said that, as long as there is no further contact with OW, that, time is on your side. Work it."
Time.. is.. and has been.. your friend!
"What exactly makes the relationship K's husband had with this OW a lie? As Maria has shared the bits and pieces, it seems as though this was infatuation and deep emotional feelings. Isn't that in fact what K struggles with?"
To answer the 2nd question.. yes. I am not sure who said it was a lie to the 1st question. It happend.
"A man who will not be physically intimate with the woman he claims to love is not being truthful."
But.. based on the email's.. he still does not "fit the mold".
Based on your statement.. he really did not "Love" the OW.
"K, I know you have at least one friend from this community who would tell you that you should not be settling for what you already had before. You KNOW this."
Let me be clear.. Maria file for Divorce tomorrow! Even if it takes a year!
"It sounds strangely to me as though you are accepting less than what you should have to accept. Where is his progress?"
Bill.. there is some. It is tiny. It is hard to pick out. But it is there.
"...retreating back to the shadows...."
Poppycock!
"I think this attitude is a way of avoiding the truth sometimes."
Why would someone avoid the truth?
"Often, K posts something about her disappointment I feel, it gets turned back to her- well you are not being patient enough, kind enough, understanding enough. He is trying in his own way etc."
Well.. she is the only one posting. DB.com has a weird "aura" about it. If you can only talk to one person.. what do you suggest?
"I got blasted on another thread for posting my opinion that was less than rosy. A true friend is not one who sugar coats things but is kindly blunt and honest about what really is."
This is a really good quality to have. I suspect.. this is a big reason Kalni wants you to keep posting!
"June, I am not in a bad spot. I chose the spot I am in..."
This.. is a huge.. huge.. step forward.
Kalni.. I can't say it enough.. Keep being you.
It is enough.
You will understand that one day. No matter what happens with you and your "girly" man!
It is no wonder "women" flock to him. I am jealous!
To me I still think you need to step back to the small things that worked in the past. I think you have become too focused on the "wrongs". Based on that assumption (by me) I would like to see a more concerted effort from you on doing little things. I think you know what I am saying and will not elaborate on them unless you want me too. No matter what your LL is.. your actions will always produce a reaction. That reaction should be assessed as Good/Bad. The Bad.. you stop. The Good.. you build on. Now I do ride a Unicorn.. and am full of "Crazy talk".. but I have worn your shoes (they were tight.. and I could not wear them long) and "won".
Good Morning!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
K, I liked your clear and confident responses - looks like the issue of "settling" is now settled. You seem to be getting your money's worth. Keep moving forwrd little by ltttle ...
Good Morning, H surprised me and came home early on Wed night, we both had the day off yesterday (National Holiday) and it almost feels like we are spending sufficient time together. Sufficient to make progress.
We had some moments of meaning, one of them (my Brpther and his wife and h) being me telling them how I enjoyed watching Mamma Mia and how much I cried when Streep sang "The Winner takes it all". But very upbeat. He asked why, and I couldnt remember why I cried. When the song came on, he listend to the lyrics and said "I get it now".
I was super attentive and caring in his LL. I think a couple of times, the sex issue came up, meaning there was some tention (sexual).
Anyway, this weekend will be the last before Easter. Lots of shopping and need to do things. We are starting to fast on Monday. H had stopped fasting when he met her... K
...mmm....I do love the taste of Poppycock....buttery caramel covered popcorn and peanuts.....yum
me 2, damn that stuff is good and addictive!
t
ps: Hi Sunshiny K, glad to hear of the plentiful and somewhat productive time spent together with H. Sounds real good. I wish there were a similar break in my case at present but instead things are worsening. Oh well, just have to wait out the 'storm'.
